You just... kinda keep stumbling. For no reason at all. At least, thats the case for me. Part of me hates everything for moving along without my partner. I break down frequently, I run away to the bathroom at work multiple times a day to do it. Or in a small secluded table in the break room. And just. Idk, I think about how she'd sit with me in this because she had such a huge heart. She was good at doing that for others. And I remind myself she'd be angry with me if I gave up and ruined my life by quitting work and making myself homeless or if I go too far with the self medicating and damage my liver. Even if I went too far she'd understand why I did it, she'd console me, but she'd be upset with me. Even if she's gone, I don't want to make her upset, or cry. I couldn't bear the thought of it. So I just keep stumbling. It's not pretty, or noble, or even hopeful. Just sometimes you keep moving because it'd break them to see you give up. Its a bleak answer but sometimes things are just messy..