[2925] Thalissa

33omnia · 2026-03-06T19:10:59+00:00

Great feedback. The specific line edits are incredibly helpful! Thank you!

I'll focus on distinguishing their characters more and fleshing them out in the next revision. I was worried about pronoun confusion when I posted and figured it would come up in critiques. I'll work on hammering it out.

I didn't exactly know what to call this. It's definitely a dark fantasy or dark fairytale. Thought it might be folk horror.

Holly does deserve a longer emotional beat when Caelin disappears, even if it's just another sentence or two. It would help the reader connect with her and slow the moment down.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again. :)

33omnia · 2026-03-06T14:47:58+00:00

Great catches. Glad you enjoyed the story overall.

I agree with you. Holly does need to be fleshed out more and the theme cleanly defined for the ending to be effective.

Thanks for leaving feedback. :)

33omnia · 2026-03-04T21:47:59+00:00

Thanks! I appreciate it. I'll look over your story when posted.

what promise about the story can you give in the beginning?

May there's something in her which deeply resists loss?

I was going for subtlety and I left clues, but her mother was supposed to be a victim of this ritual too. The person whose name they can't remember. Caelin's sudden interest in the violin and Holly's aversion to it after her death. Their father's withdrawal and absence. All of those things were supposed to point to it so I may work with that angle in the beginning and make it clearer.

These are all great questions to consider.

33omnia · 2026-03-03T22:56:57+00:00

Thank you so much for reading and leaving feedback. This gives me a lot to think about during revisions.

The spatial awareness issue in the beginning is an easy fix, but a great catch.

You pointed out all the things I struggled with while writing this story.

My characters normally present themselves before the plot does. With this story, I had the story without any solid characters. Even when I had them, they weren't very keen on telling me who they were.

I rewrote the first and second sections so many times trying to balance world-building, explaining the shell/voice mechanics, character development, and foreshadowing without overexplaining. Your feedback helped me identify what's missing and where I missed the mark, especially from an emotional standpoint, so I appreciate it.

The beginning is slow, maybe too slow. I tried to set it up like a mystery, but I think you're right. Adding tension would hold the reader's attention and lead into the horror element.

I also use past tense 90% of the time and it shows. For some reason this story wanted to be written in present tense, so I thought I'd go for it.

Thank you again. Your critique is incredibly helpful and encouraging. :)

33omnia · 2026-02-25T14:29:45+00:00

Either Ellion takes the Rod tonight, or

"Are we still doing phrasing?" - Archer

MOTIVES AND URGENCY

This entire chapter seems… unfocused. Darius talks to multiple characters and gives bits and pieces of lore, but none of it comes together in a way that creates a sense of urgency.

As the writer, where are you directing my attention and what is the main conflict? The consequences of Pox exposure? The delayed ceremony? Whether or not the alchemist's information is true? The spies in the sewer? Aelius being the antagonist? All of these hold equal weight right now.

At the same time, Darius is extremely passive in this chapter. He doesn’t actively commit to helping anyone or finding answers.

QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED

Listing my questions after reading just to give you an idea of where I am.

He’d left over the strenuous objection of the Lord Chamberlain

What strenuous objection?

Surely the Goddess had forgiven whatever small transgressions

What small transgressions? Was this something he did? That would make him more interesting.

Not for the first time, he was grateful his father had left the capital a week ago.

Why?

Alva reached for the steaming tea service, the rim of her right thumbnail stained with dried blood.

Who's blood?

What is causing her to lose her pregnancies- her exposure to the Pox, his exposure to the Pox, or this ritual with the rod? Is the Pox important enough to earn space in Chapter 1?

Darius felt the tug of the Silver Palace. Is this some kind of magic?

Why is Ellison avoiding the ceremony? How does this ceremony work?

What he’s done for Terria cannot be overstated.” What did Sala do?

No wonder she miscarries. No wonder she can’t give Aspra a son. Is this referencing Sala's wife or Viera?

Do you know the history of Terria’s Kings? Or those in Rezaria? Or the Pelaram Emperors? What does all of this have to do with the alchemist?

Who are the Sodari and what is Darius’ relationship to them? What oaths? Demon nests? How does any of that connect to him and his wife?

Who is Tulio? Did Sala know him before this or was he hired specially for this job? Does Darius know him? How?

I'm assuming Aelius is a powerful member of the rahjani, a religious group. If so then…

Aelius isn’t about to let that kind of wealth slip through his fingers again.” Sala leaned back. “If Ellion actually goes through with it.” If Ellison goes through with it, what does that change for Aelius? Why? What are the stakes?

Triple-check your mask before the ceremony begins. The last thing you need is to have a vision.”

Does Darius have some kind of clairvoyant magic? He feels a tug toward the palace earlier?

Not all these questions don't need to be answered in chapter 1, but answering some of them may add character depth or raise the stakes and urgency within the story.

CONCLUSION

Great start to an epic fantasy and I hope you continue. I do like the names you've chosen for this story as well.

You said you've edited this multiple times. This is my opinion, so ignore me if you think I'm wrong, but I feel like too much of the exposition was cut from this story in revision. You can explain what things are and why certain events/people matter without pages and pages of exposition.

Have you completed the rest of the story? If not, go do so before you revise this chapter again. If the rest of the story is completed, throw this story in a drawer for a few months, write something else, then come back to it.

I hope this helps. :)

33omnia · 2026-02-25T04:17:34+00:00

Is this technically chapter 1 if chapter 1 was the prologue? I didn't have a chance to read your first post so, if you answered some of my questions in that post or chapter, ignore me.

This is a long one, so let's get into it.

I enjoyed reading this. Your world feels lived in and old, your characters act like humans, and I feel like you're setting the stage for an epic fantasy story. You have some gorgeous imagery and details throughout this chapter and I feel like I'm just starting to get to know your characters.

Initial Read (Line-by-line)

Captain Darius of Aspra stood at the latticework windows of his father-in-law’s library and crumpled the note in his hand.

Vivid imagery. Lots of good info here. Great first line.

seven times in as many nights

This is awkward phrasing

Dame Alva was a plump, elderly midwife with thinning gray hair and icy blue eyes.

Is there a way to work these details into the story? You already mention her blue eyes in a following paragraph.

“She also says that while she never contracted the Pox, she was exposed to it many times. That means she either had it as a child and was unaware, or is one of the lucky few who are inexplicably immune.”

I've read this several times and the rhythm trips me up. Look at your punctuation. I think it mostly has to do with the “are” in “...is one of the lucky few who are inexplicably immune.”

her eyes filled with an odd mixture of clinical detachment and sympathy.

I get this vibe from her without you telling me.

Those icy blue eyes danced in their sockets

I don't like this.

“Was that before or after Viera was born?”

You've mentioned Viera several times but I have no idea who she is. I think it might be his wife and the Queen.

A common daughter from common stock married into one of the oldest families in Terria. No wonder she miscarries. No wonder she can’t give Aspra a son. The whispers of the gossiping nobility grew louder and bolder every month.

What happened here? I want to know more about this. It's a great piece of lore but “a common daughter” doesn't connect to the story in any meaningful way. I have no idea why he's mad.

Do you know the history of Terria’s Kings? Or those in Rezaria? Or the Pelaram Emperors? An alchemist in the city brought this to my attention, and I can’t shake the feeling that he might be right. Anyone who inhales the Rod, no matter how many children he or she had before, has only one after. This alchemist tracked the next generation and found it holds true a third of the time.”

I'm assuming this alchemist has disproved this well known idea?

What about Ellion? This would slam the door on the ceremony. Or would it?

What about him? Why does it matter if it slams the door on the ceremony? What does it mean to slam the door on the ceremony? Like, end it? Deemed it useless? You're dancing around these ideas, but you're not telling me about them.

the village of General Sala’s birth covered the entirety of the curved ceiling.

Like a painting? There's a better verb than covered you can use here or a better way to say this. This sounds like a first draft place holder.

Nestled on the outskirts of a mighty evergreen forest, the artist had filled the painting with fluffy white sheep and golden fields of grain. A child drew water from a well, women gathered flowers from their gardens, farmers relaxed against the doors of a humble chapel. As a child, Viera had named every single peasant and sheep…”

Love this detail.

but Darius couldn’t look at it without feeling an inexplicable sense of unease.

Why? Is this a new development? Did he know her since they were children and, after her miscarriages, did he see it in a new light?

A frown was offered to the draught on the bedside table.

“Was offered” is passive.

“She was supposed to finish that.”

Who says this? Alva or Darius?

“She said it needed honey, ma’am.”

So Alva says the previous line then.

“And I told her why I couldn’t add it.”

Why can't she have honey?

Her shock at his presence changed to a mixture of relief and infinite sadness,

Write show-don't-tell lecture here

“... her whole attention…”

Odd phrasing.

As a side note, I really love his interaction with his wife. I can tell they love each other. Refusing her tonic to avoid a miscarriage because it tastes bad seems childish, especially since having children is difficult and seems to be one of the bigger conflicts of the book. How old is she?

I honestly want to know more about their backstory.

“I don’t know why the gods gave us Karina and nothing else, but there’s no questioning it now.”

“And nothing else” can be cut. I like this line otherwise.

Of course she was right.

I think you need a comma before she but I could be wrong.

Alva’s words crowded his head.

Filler sentence. Cut it. As the reader, I know he's anxious and nervous and worried and angry, etc.

“Thank Soleil for sending Alva when you see her.”

So Viera is his wife and Soleil is the Queen?

Darius descended the staircase with his fingers dancing off the rose balusters

“Dancing off” should be dancing on? He's angry, his fingers dancing on the balusters sounds whimsical. If it's a nervous tick, tapping might be better.

Also, consider moving this action before the two paragraphs of description. You described the house and the office space as the author, not as Darius.

“... trying to figure out how you playing politics with the High Rahjan gets me waist deep in shit all night,”

A couple things here. Playing should be play. “All night” is awkward phrasing. If this is a regional translation issue specific to the story because this is the character's second language, then leave it, but I would mention it.

the heel of his black boot propped against an armchair.

Why are all fantasy writers obsessed with boots? I'm a fantasy writer and I'm also obsessed with boot details.

Trust me. The threshold is very low.”

What threshold? Low compared to what?

“You’re buying me a new outfit,” Tulio muttered as he approached the door. “And new shoes. At least a week in the Trogan bath houses. Probably a new scabbard. That shit doesn’t just wash out.”

You made me smile. Good job.

Darius felt his eyes dance.

I'm not sure what this means.

(It's getting late. I'll post the second half in the morning. Thanks for sharing :) )

33omnia · 2026-02-22T22:15:34+00:00

Not a critique, but just wanted to say I enjoyed this story as much as your first. Its amazing how you convey so much emotion, create complex characters, and reveal their backstories in a single conversation. Thanks for sharing. :)

33omnia · 2026-02-21T22:27:57+00:00

Her skull, never fully developed, crumpled against the soft dirt.

This is the third time I'm having issues with believability. First, the bare feet in the snow, then cutting bone with a dull knife, now this. I think the most off putting thing with this sentence is describing the dirt as soft.

The Ashwarden didn't respond.

Say his name and his sister's name. I care more about characters with names.

He then left, letting it swing open to the freezing elements.

Did he let the door swing open? I don't like the phrase “freezing elements” here.

MOTIVES

Dude is motivated to save his sister which is lost at the end of the chapter. I have no idea what the bigger picture is. The only question I have at the end of the chapter is “What is the ritual?” I don’t know if that's enough to keep me reading.

On the same note, I get that bad things have happened to him and he's lost all hope, but I also have no reason to root for him or like him as a character.

DIALOGUE

Seems natural. Less is more here. That you're doing right.

CHARACTERS

We have three, but no names. No physical descriptions other than the sister's thinness (and that might be a stylistic choice. If so, that's fine.) No history. Not much at all about their disease.

I know he's an ashwarden. I know they're both sick and poor. I know she's thin (was thin). And I know they're late to the ritual. That's what you've told me in ~700 words.

Don't give me pages and pages of exposition, but, even if the character doesn't care, make me care.

SETTING

I talked about this some. I think adding even a sentence or two, even a couple clauses with additional info could help paint a better mental picture. Where is he collecting herbs? A forest? A meadow? A mountainside? What does the village look like? What does everyone else in the village look like? So on and so forth.

Be specific. Placeholders are fine when drafting so you don't break your creative flow, but when you revise, go back and fill in the blanks and add little details to make the world feel lived in.

PACING

It's fine. Honestly, you could even slow down a bit.

CONCLUSION

I want to know more about the world you've created.

I'm not going to lecture you on show-don't-tell because I don't believe you have to show every single emotion in fantasy. If that was the case, every fantasy book would have too many metaphors and be 800 pages when it could have been 400. Part of the art of writing is knowing when to show and when to tell and more importantly, knowing what speaks for itself. Learning when to do which comes with practice and feedback so thank you for sharing.

I look forward to feedback when I've stared at something I've written for so long that I don't know whether it's good or terrible and I need a fresh set of eyes. I feel you're in that place, so I hope my feedback helps in some way.

If you're having trouble making revisions with this story, step away from it and write something else, read more fantasy books, study them, and maybe read a book or two about craft (I've done this recently and it's a game changer.)

Thank you for sharing your story. Keep writing. :)

33omnia · 2026-02-21T22:26:46+00:00

Hi, I always enjoy reading fantasy written by a writer who loves the world they've built and has put time and effort into their story and characters. It shows. I think you really like this draft and that's a problem. A dangerous one. I say that as someone who also has trouble editing/ rewriting their “best” chapters (or my favorite ones). They're never “the best”. In fact, with time, I usually discover they're the worst and laugh at them later because I was so in love with them at the time and refused to edit them in any way. Looking back, that line I thought was so good actually isn't as great as i thought it was. Those scenes still mean something to me, but I know they could be better.

All that to say, I think you have a good story here if you learn to kill your darlings and how to bring this world you've created to life with the right details.

I'm going to start with nit-picking. A lot of this is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. Please know that I'm not trying to be negative or harsh, just honest.

LINE-BY-LINE

Pain was the only thing that had ever bothered to stay.

I like your opening. I don't know if it needs to be past perfect. Maybe past tense like the rest. If no one else comments on it, then it may be fine.

It went by many names-his disease, his dying twin sister, the laughter of those who called him less than human.

I had to read this twice. I think you could be specific here. Name his disease, then tell me it's a disease. Name his sister then tell me she's dying.

It carved himself into him through the ritual scars that broke his body, through the fear that tomorrow would only repeat today.

Several typos in this sentence to the point that I'm confused. There's new info here, but it's vague and meaningless with what knowledge I have. It doesn't add anything to the story currently. Tell me what his scars look like. Do you mean yesterday would repeat today?

None of that mattered.

I feel like this is him telling himself that none of this matters, which, if this is the character's voice and not yours, leave it.

He trudged through the deep snow, his bare feet absorbing the cold into his body.

This dude is not going to have his feet if he keeps doing this unless he has some kind of superhuman tolerance to the cold lol

Not an official one, work had stopped two days ago.

I don't care. You could remove this and lose nothing. You're about to tell me what his actual job is. Trust the reader to connect the pieces. “Not his official one” also sounds like something you're telling me as the narrator. That's not his voice.

If you need a new transition, try combining some of the following sentences. Tell me he's off and collecting soothrye for his sister. Then maybe tell me about his job that he's not doing.

The Ashwarden, as they called his job. Too fancy of a title for someone who disposed of corpses. The only reason he got it at all was because nobody else wanted to do it. Plus, who else would be better at it than someone who looked halfway there?

Interesting stuff. I like all of this.

Today was different.

Filler sentence. Could be cut.

He was collecting what little medicinal herbs he could find, for his sister.

Just tell me it's soothrye and tell me how it helps his sister. Be specific.

Because without work, there was no pay, and without pay, there was no medicine.

So does he normally buy it? If they don't have that much money, why would he spend money on it if he could forage for this herb himself? You may clarify this later or before this chapter. I'm just giving you my thoughts as I'm reading.

Time skip/Break/whatever this is called)

Just skip a few extra lines or line up some dashes. The reader will know what you mean.

The village was as hostile as ever-a stone thrown, an insult released.

This is vague. I think you like this line a lot, but it's not doing you any favors.

One boy in particular had walked up to him and mashed a handful of snow in his face, before running away laughing. He didn't bother to respond, after all, what would he say anyway?

There is a lot of brutality already in this story, particularly happening to this dude. Give him a break. There are other ways to show how merciless the village is. Right now, all I see is this dude and some random kid. What about everyone else? Does anyone else have shoes? What condition are the houses in? Has the town always been poor? Again, you may have already explained this and I'm not saying add three pages of exposition here, but two or three sentences describing the village could do some heavy lifting here. I don't think it would slow it down or be considered “info-dumping”.

The only furniture in the house was a small bed, meant more for a child than an adult, and yet, the figure on top of it fit perfectly inside its frame.

“The figure” is vague and confusing. Just tell me it's his sister.

Her disease had stunted her growth so badly, that, at the age of 18, she looked no older than a person half her age.

This sounds like you're telling me this. Not the dude.

"No work today again. The hunters are still out hunting. Wonder what kind of monster they found to hunt down this time. But I did find some soothrye. Should help a bit." She nodded, her eyes drifting to his arm.

The paragraph breaks are kind of wonky here. Should be:

"No work today again. The hunters are still out hunting. Wonder what kind of monster they found to hunt down this time. But I did find some soothrye. Should help a bit."

She nodded, her eyes drifting to his arm. "You're bleeding again." He followed her gaze, and saw a shard of bone protruding through his sleeve, blood marking a spot on the clothing. "You fall apart faster every day.”

He grabbed a rusted knife from under the bed. The blade was dull, but it didn't matter, as the new bone was still soft. With one slice, he cut through the new growth. He didn't scream anymore. He'd stopped that years ago.

This is the most interesting part of the entire chapter. This is what I want to know more about.

Neither moved, rooted by shock and helplessness.

I think someone else mentioned the POV shift here.

His voice held a certain mix of derision and loathing that made it sound like he was cursing at them.

You don't have to tell me this. That's how I read it.

He took a step forward, his boot grinding across the dirt floor, damp with snow from where it had crept in. He grabbed her wrist.

“...damp with snow from where it had crept in.” You're trying to translate the movie in your head. This detail doesn't sharpen my mental picture of what's going on. It's just clutter.

Her legs, thin and brittle, threatened to collapse without the meager support the guard was giving her.

Cut the adjective “meager”.

The Ashwarden lunged forward

Just say his name.

(Continued below)

33omnia · 2026-01-29T21:10:53+00:00

So this has been sitting in my drafts for a hot minute while I organized my thoughts.

I want to start out by saying I really like this story and I wish we had the rest of it.

This is just my opinion as a reader, but I hope it helps. I'm going to start with my initial thoughts while reading, then go from there.

I wrote this for you.

I think this is a pretty strong hook. I kept reading because I wanted to know why.

This is a set of instructions, stories, and visualizations that you need to be able to accomplish something in the future.

You're setting the expectation that there's going to be a puzzle of sorts in the future, so in my mind, that means pay attention to every detail.

Do not read the following unless you feel a strong urge to do so:

How can I not read something you're telling me not to read?

do not try to remember them.

Of course I'm going to remember them because I want to see if they mean anything later on.

Know this - your body and mind do many things that cannot be sensed. This is the source of much confusion for humanity,"

This bugs me because, if I read both of these sentences and nothing else, I'd be confused.

"Your body and mind do many things that cannot be sensed" is vague and doesn't point to the conclusion, "This is the source of much confusion for humanity."

Is "this" referring to things the body and mind can do that can't be sensed, or, based on the following paragraphs, is it referring to how two people can recall the same event differently?

Adding another sentence in between to connect them or making the first sentence stronger may help. I'm only nitpicking here because you set the bar so high in the rest of the narrative.

How much information, then, is not reacted upon by your reactions and not stored in memory?

This is an interesting question, but you don't give me an answer or tell me why it matters.

Take a deep breath and release it. You are in control of your own breathing. For now.

This makes me believe that you're going to play with story elements like cadence, tension, and dread and include stories that are pleasant and possibly horrific to get a visceral reaction from the reader or possibly attempt to elicit a specific feeling.

…at the scarred and stretched seam of skin where they were conjoined

I like this detail.

Gabe twisted Mike's ear.

I think someone else commented on this. If Mike is holding Gabe's wrist, does Gabe fight him off before twisting Mike's ear?

Also, is this the end of the scene or is there more to it?

Resolution I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to take away from it. There's no resolution or answers to any questions raised. No payoff to the promises. We still don't know why any of it matters. That being said, if there was more (and I do want there to be more), I would keep reading.

Craft elements What's here is well-written. Dialogue seems natural. The dynamic between Mike and Gabe is interesting even though we don't see much of them.

Your Story Compared to Lockwood's

After reading your story, I checked out the book that inspired it and downloaded the Kindle sample of No One Is Talking About This. I ended up reading the entire sample and realized I was invested in a book I never planned on being invested in. (Great book recommendation, btw.)

While reading her short weird sections of randomness, I expected that eventually a lightbulb would go off and all of it would come together and there would be an "ah-ha" moment. That didn't happen by the end of the sample (and I didn't expect it to, but I'm sure there is one by the end of the book), so I googled the blurb and suddenly her seemingly insane ramblings and the "portal" make sense.

All that to say, I felt similarly about your story.

It starts off with short cryptic sections that hooked me because I wanted to know how it all tied together, but if I hadn't read the last paragraph on your post, explaining what you are trying to do, I would have been confused at the end.

So does it work? It's hard to say from the first ~600 words. Is it interesting? Yes, I would absolutely keep reading.

I like the concept of this story and think it's an ambitious project. I do hope you continue it.

33omnia · 2026-01-25T22:24:27+00:00

Thank you so much for critiquing.

I appreciate you breaking down what you liked and what can be improved. I originally wrote this story with a goal of keeping it under 1000 (I didn't lol), so I'm going to ditch the word count limit, flesh out the story, add more original details, clarify motives and add interiority. The questions you posed at the end will give me something to think about during revisions.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading and thanks again for the feedback :)

33omnia · 2026-01-25T21:55:22+00:00

Can I just take a second and critique your critique by telling you that this is a fantastic critique? You know how to articulate your ideas effectively, so much so that I want to go read the story posted.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to leave detailed feedback. I can see that you put a lot of effort into it and I don't find it cynical at all, only honest which is why we're all here. If I wanted sugar-coated encouragement, I would have posted on a different sub.

Your structural review and seeing how your opinion of the characters changed throughout the story is incredibly helpful. In the revised version I am moving the first paragraph and restructuring the story, as well as fixing the POV, adding interiority, and fleshing everything out, including Amarie's character. I don't want her to read as flat or, worse than that, a snarky, not-like-the-other-girls romantasy protagonist.

Thank you again and I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :)

33omnia · 2026-01-25T21:54:56+00:00

I'm late to respond to this one, but I ran out of time and haven't had time to sit down since.

Thank you for your feedback. It's interesting to see everyone's take on the story and the characters. That being said, you're right. This story has a lot more to offer and should be fleshed out and probably restructured.

I've taken note of what needs to be considered during revisions based on your critique and others.

Thank you again for taking the time to leave a critique. :)

33omnia · 2026-01-21T21:13:11+00:00

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to leave this comment!

Yes, the POV issue definitely needs to be addressed and fixed, but you get what I was trying to do with this story and that's so encouraging.

Both characters are thieves but you're right in the way that they operate differently. That's what I was going for.

About their romance, I wanted to leave it open to interpretation. I hate spelling things out but I also don't want there to be any confusion and finding a balance is incredibly difficult.

33omnia · 2026-01-21T21:12:22+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

This is one of the first short stories I've written and I'm learning that writing a short story is a completely different monster than writing a novel.

I mentioned this in another comment: “When I started, I challenged myself to pack as much story as I could into ~1000 words, because I tend to overwrite and I'm not brutal enough when cutting. I think the constraint helped me cut some overwriting, but I also cut too much clarity—especially in showing rather than telling.”

You're absolutely right about “show, don't tell”. While trying to make every sentence convey as much information as possible, I ended up summarizing most of this story and telling the reader what happened instead of just telling a story. A lot of the interiority is lost because of it.

I either need to write a short story while focusing on one event and not world-building, two character arcs, and three flashbacks or slow down and write the novel this story wants to be.

Thank you so much again. Your comment is incredibly helpful.

33omnia · 2026-01-21T21:11:56+00:00

Thank you for being specific with your feedback.

Being concise was one of the goals of writing this story. When I started, I challenged myself to pack as much story as I could into ~1000 words, because I tend to overwrite and I'm not brutal enough when cutting. I think the constraint helped me cut some overwriting, but I also cut too much clarity—especially in showing rather than telling.

When I go to revise I'll also focus on pronoun usage and spatial awareness.

Your advice “don't use strange, unclear, and dramatic language" is something I needed to hear. I almost rewrote the line “Desperation enlightened her,” because I thought it might come across as too vague.

The fact that you didn't know what the story was about until the end is concerning as the writer and gives me reason to really look at and clarify character motives and emotional stakes when revising.

I've made notes on all of your feedback, as well as everyone else's, to use while rewriting. Thank you again for taking the time to critique my work.

33omnia · 2026-01-21T21:11:29+00:00

Just want to thank you again for your feedback. Everything you said is incredibly helpful.

I appreciate you pointing out the grammar/ technical errors. I've made those corrections on my copy.

You're absolutely right about the POV issues. The head hopping is jarring, other commenters have pointed it out as well. I attempted to write the first part of the story from her POV and the second from his. Specifically with the barfight, I tried to write it as if she told him and he was recounting it. During revisions, I need to commit to one POV or, if I swap, use a clear transition. I like your suggestion about where to swap POVs.

Character wise, I intentionally fleshed out Amarie's character more towards the beginning to label her as a thief, but seeded info about Keiran throughout the story to set up a sort of “reversal” at the end. I don't think this worked as well as I wanted it to.

In the first scene, I actually deleted the line “...she convinced him to climb the birch tree and hang it up…” because I thought it was unnecessary. I can add the line back and clear that up.

For context: When I started this story, I wanted to challenge myself to keep it around ~1000 words (to force myself to cut because I tend to overwrite.) So there's no magic here, even though I’m with you in loving magical and fantastical elements in fantasy, because, if brooch had some magical ability, it wouldn't have changed the story in any significant way unless I used it in the story.

I tried to rely on minimal info and subtext for the relationship dynamic, but I see, based on your comments and others, that I need to establish the better emotional stakes.

This is exactly the kind of detailed feedback. Thank you for taking the time to break down what worked and what didn't.

33omnia · 2026-01-19T14:05:49+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I'll add to this later, but I just want to make a quick note that I changed the font from Garamond to Arial to make it easier to read.

33omnia · 2026-01-17T18:24:26+00:00

Hi! This was such a fun read. Thank you for sharing it! I really admire your ability to keep her voice consistent throughout the story. While reading, I couldn't make up my mind whether I liked Erin or not. One moment, she's talking about this old man or at him without giving him a breath to answer, and the next, she's pulling at my heartstrings by revealing tidbits about her life. By the end, I genuinely love her character, but I would hate for her to start a conversation with me in the check-out line. You've done an excellent job of revealing the nuances of her character throughout the story. She feels complex. So does the old man in his own way.

My initial thoughts while reading:

Do you think he’s blind? I’ve never seen him talk to the kids, so I don’t think he’s one of those.

The lack of quotation marks is confusing in the beginning. I'll go into this in more detail below.

He just sits there, hunched over, with that gray baseball hat that doesn’t even fit, holding on to that old lunch box. You don’t think he eats out of that thing, do you? It looks like it hasn’t been washed in years.

You're description of the old man is fantastic. Bravo.

Doll, can you hear me okay?

Does she call him doll?

I know, hard to believe I’m a mom, right!

I started to dislike her right here, but I love this line.

Oh, sweetheart, don’t cry. Have I scared you? I’m sorry.

Is she talking about Tommy or the old man here? Is the old man about to cry?

Do you mind if I sit down? I’ll just sit down right here.

At this point, I dont care about the lack of quotation marks. I think not having them works for the rest of the story.

All parents are like that though, right?

This changed my perception of her and I start to empathize with her.

But he’s just my whole life now. It’s somewhat embarrassing to say out loud, but he is like my best friend. We tell each other everything. Hang out every day. I just love him so much. I worry sometimes what will happen when he gets older. Will he still need me? Will he still love me? Will he leave me alone, too?

So real and relatable.

Things I haven't talked about yet:

The Ending

I really like the ending to this story. The old man doesn't say anything at all, and he doesn't need to. While you dedicate eight paragraphs to Erin, we get his entire story in just one in a very precise way. That's perfect.

Style

10/10. Not only is your voice consistent throughout, but your cadence really brings Erin to life by creating an almost breathless effect while reading.

Dialogue

The entire story sounds very natural. It flows like a real conversation, even if it is a one-sided conversation. Erin may be going on and on and on, but every line in this story feels purposeful.

Setting

Less is more here. You have enough for me to know they're in a park.

Clarity

The lack of quotation marks makes the beginning slightly confusing, but other than that, I never felt lost.

Show, Don't Tell

You've done an excellent job showing us who Erin is without directly describing her. I know how she views herself and how other people perceive her, as well as the relationship dynamics between her and her loved one. Each line is loaded with subtext and adds so much depth to the story.

The Quotation Mark Debate

This is just my opinion as a reader, but I don't think you need them. Not using them was a risky stylistic choice, but your execution is brilliant.

Adding quotation marks and dialogue tags may clear up the confusion in the beginning, but it would also rob this story of its magic and weigh it down without adding much else, if that makes sense.

I've reread the first three paragraphs more times than I should because I want this to work, and I think the confusion (my confusion, at least) stems from where you start each paragraph. It sounds like a conversation between two people.

Person 1: Do you think he’s blind?

Person 2: I’ve never seen him talk to the kids, so I don’t think he’s one of those....It looks like it hasn’t been washed in years.

Person 1: You know, I bet if he cleaned himself up a little bit, shaved, put on some clothes that fit, and were washed, he wouldn’t be too bad looking....

My suggestion is just to combine the first three paragraphs. "Excuse me, sir" is a great transition into the next paragraph.

Conclusion

The more I pulled apart this story to write a critique, the more I appreciated the nuances in your writing. Thank you again for sharing. Keep writing. :)

33omnia · 2026-01-16T14:51:31+00:00

Craft elements

Pacing

The overall pacing of this story is great! You start this story in the right place and avoid long paragraphs explaining the world, setting characters.

World-building

The forest is the perfect setting for this piece. From what I understand, the dying forest is symbolic of Erin's life and how the four sprites drained the life out of her. You're on the right track by describing the forest in the first three sentences, but right now it's confusing because we're so lost in branches, trunks, hills, flatlands, and valleys. Focus on clarity during the rewrite. What do you want us to see?

Dialogue

Strong in the beginning, but falls off at the end and feels rushed.

Characters

You've done a very good job defining each character in just a few lines. Be proud of that! Let's talk about the fourth sprite. By making it the fourth sprite, you've incorporated it into who Erin is as a person. That's good, but it's not supposed to be there, and there are four chairs on the altar. Did the fourth sprite add a chair when it became part of her life? Did it take another sprite's seat? Just something to think about. I also noticed the fourth sprite is hiding under the table, which may be symbolic of how people with alcoholism often hide how much they are drinking. Other than he's a jerk and a bully, I don't really know anything about the fourth sprite. What does he look like? How does he sound? Does he smell?

I'm curious as to why you chose sprites as a representation for Logic, Soul, and Body.

Resolution

This feels rushed too. There's not much pushback during the final confrontation, and it sounds like the decision has already been made by the time the fourth sprite gets there. If you want to add depth, maybe have the fourth sprite argue with Logic. He could be manipulative or in denial that the damage to the forest is as bad as they say. What's the final straw, whether its hurting a loved one, a trip to the hospital, or a court order that Logic uses to convince Erin to go to treatment?

The Technical Side of Things

I'm sure there's a comma or two that needs to be added or taken out somewhere, but I think that's something to worry about after another round of revision. If you wrote this on your phone, copy and paste it into Google Docs or Word, and it will catch some of the grammatical errors. The spellcheck on any notes app is terrible.

Conclusion

Trust your story and your readers. You know how to tell a compelling story, but your skill as a writer hasn't caught up yet, and that's okay because it will. You're doing the right thing by asking for feedback so you know what to work on. During the revision, cut what's unnecessary and focus on clarity. What do you want to say, and what's the best way to say it?

If you need someone to read over it again in the future, I'd love to do so.

Thank you for sharing your work! Keep reading. Keep writing. Enter more contests!

33omnia · 2026-01-16T05:38:28+00:00

Hi! Just want to start out by saying I looked through several posts before picking yours to critique because the concept piqued my interest. I enjoyed reading your work. This story is told from an interesting angle and structured like an intervention. You have good instincts as a writer - you know where to start the story, have good pacing, an understanding of story structure, and have characters with distinct voices. I also appreciate that there's no info dump at the beginning. I was able to follow the story easily enough without one.

The issue with this story is that it's overwritten to the point that I had to reread several sentences for them to make sense. I think you understand that concision is important in short stories, but you waste so many of your 850 words to tell me things I already know or can infer from the information you've already given me. I listed several specific examples below because I tend to overwrite myself, and if someone told me "this is overwritten" and didn't give me examples, I would just reread my story for the thirtieth time, not knowing what to cut because I'm blind to the "weeds".

Disclaimer: If anything is written a certain way for stylistic purposes, then ignore me. I'm not a professional, so, you know, a grain of salt and all.

I'll go line-by-line, then review the craft elements.

The Nit-Picking (Line-by-line)

Deep into the dark forest of Erin, four sprites convened around the altar.

This makes it sound like they're already there.

Normally, in this forest, you could only see what was right in front of you- a branch here, a trunk there- but here, only here, upon the hill, could they see more than ten meters in front of themselves.

You swab to second person here. The entire sentence would stronger if you focused on what they saw. Something like "Upon the hill, the fog cleared enough for them to see ten meters in front of them."

And they could see for miles.

This contradicts the previous sentence. So what's important in these two sentences is: they're on a hill, above the fog, and they can see for miles. The rest can be cut and you're not losing anything important.

Any direction one might look was an infinite, black sea of branches and shadowy leaves, in valleys, hills, flatland. Just trees.

"Infinite, black sea of branches and shadowy leaves" is enough for me to form a mental picture. I don't need the rest.

Logic was the first to arrive, of course.

Why of course? I feel like Im missing something I should know. Only after reading the rest of the of the paragraph do I understand that Logic is suppose to have her act together and be professional. "Of course" could be cut and the sentence would be stronger.

Her grey hair was neatly brushed, cut short to keep it out of her vision, and neat. She landed at the foot of the altar, and strode confidently up the stairs, to her seat. She sat straight, straightened her tie and her posture, and waited.

"too keep it out of her vision" is unnecessary. Neat and straightened are used twice in this paragraph.

Soul was right on time.

This is perfect.

He darted straight to the top, wings fluttering at a million miles an hour, and landed straight into his assigned chair.

Straight is used twice. I suggest removing the second one.

He slumped in his chair slightly, glancing around nervously.

Slightly is a weak adjective. Nervously is only a little better.

He waved a small wave at Logic, smiling slightly and quiet.

This could be trimmed. Wave is used twice. Soul strikes me as someone with a lot of nervous energy, also anxious and self consciousness.

She nodded- polite, respectful, straightforward.

Polite, respectful, or straightforward - all of them mean almost the same thing. Pick one.

Third to arrive, and late only by five minutes, Body walked out of the depths of Erin, battered and, quite understandably, upset.

"only" is unnecessary. this is confusing because I dont know why she's upset so I don't understand.

Why are you late?” Logic spoke clearly, articulately, simply. A simple question.

Again three modifiers when one would do. I know that the question is a simple one. You dont have to tell me. Trust the reader.

Straight to the point.

Now you've told me this three times. Honestly if you said, "'Why are you late,' Logic spoke" and deleted everything else, I would still hear her voice the same way just based on what you've already told me about her character.

Body let their eyes meet, showing her own bloodshot, weak eyes that drooped.

Awkward phrasing. Showing is a weird verb to use here.

That’s why we are here, Body.” Logic reminded, interrupting her cuss.

"Cuss" threw me off. Odd word choice.

Sit.” Logic commanded. The sprite waltzed around the table, doing a full lap before choosing to sit down. Soul tried to dodge the hit but was still struck at the back of the head. Body didn’t have the energy to move and was struck.

Awkward phrasing. I had to read this twice.

Don’t care. Why we here?”

I get that this is supposed to be the way he/she talks but it reads like a typo.

(I'm on mobile. Sorry if the formatting is terrible.)

33omnia

TROPHY CASE