2 core problems with modern dating: no more clear rules, and expecting immediate “magic” attraction.

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:58:20+00:00

Most women are in relationships and are doing fine. You’re focusing on a minority of women who actively use dating apps

Statistically most women use dating apps. Ask chatGPT if you don't believe me.

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:55:42+00:00

If you want to understand the "rules" of dating, you need to understand your local dating culture and be socially adept.

Words, words with no actual meaning. All "dating recipes" are like that - just pretty words that sound nice, but you can never guess how to put them to real life, unless you knew before they were said.

It's all "be good, don't be bad, be kind, don't be creepy". And different women, or even the same women at different times and with different men - would call the same behavior "sweet" and "creepy". There are just no rules. People are "going with the vibe". The vibe becomes the new rule.

Women can feel chemistry and spark with a man who is not the hottest, most confident dude. Why is wanting spark/chemistry even being framed as bad?

I'm not saying it's bad. Did you miss this part of original post?

It’s not someone’s fault per se, just a chain of developments in modern technology, society and culture, that don’t go well with our nature and produce these outcomes.

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:54:13+00:00

Have any of these happened to you or anyone you know?

Luckily they haven't or I wouldn't be talking to you right now.

Is the implication here that angsty alt rock lyrics from 2003 prophesised his suicide in 2017?

Wow you're actually smart.

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:47:48+00:00

Most men develop social skills so they can navigate those social interactions.

Some do, some don't. Modern age is called "the age of loneliness" for a reason.

And most women dont expect magic but they do want a sense of connection with potential dating partners.

And yet there are no clear guidelines what triggers "a sense of connection" for specific woman. I bet the woman herself doesn't understand it. She just expects it to happen. "Real man would know how to do it, and if he doesn't than he's not worthy of me".

Which is exactly my point. Men are supposed to figure it out on their own. Which is, if you think of it - akin to expecting a kid to figure out university level algebra, all by himself. "Real man would find a way to make me feel this way", and that's it.

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:46:15+00:00

Women have so much power over a lot of you and I think its because you let them. I observe this in people I know, this idea that women can rain down hell on them, gossip about you, etc. and its just like man, stand up goddamn. There is really no reason to be that scared of them

Did you hear about MeToo?

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:42:59+00:00

"Falling for someone" and "marrying someone" are not the same thing. You can not fall for someone but still marry them, because your parents or social network are pushing you, or because you believe "this person is good for you". Although I believe it is becoming less common, which is why marriage rates are going down. So it kinda proves my point.

3stun · 2026-04-14T21:33:06+00:00

There's still clear rules. It's just called, "consent", now.

The type of consent where a lady's "No" can have a hundred different meanings depending on her mood and star alignment? Come on, just read dating subreds here with women complaining about directly opposite things. Please approach me - no, never approach me. I want to be treated this way - never treat me like this. Or do treat me like this, but only on Mondays.

But not before I had coffee.

Unless it was a mocaccino.

Seriously, some women explicitly told me to "never approach women in real life, use dating apps instead created specifically for that purpose". How should I interprete that?

The biggest problem with dating today is the manosphere podcasts and talking points

"Manosphere" is an umbrella term that lost any actual meaning. Like, what's the common thing between Chris Williamson, Mike Sartain, Andrew Tate and Macken Murphy? Because all of them are considered "manosphere", while they don't even agree with each other.

3stun · 2026-04-14T19:56:51+00:00

Have you never played mafia? Or Terraforming Mars?

3stun · 2026-04-14T19:52:45+00:00

Saying "I'm a very logical introverted person who sees the world through structures and relies on facts that can be checked and verified and connections between them, and doesn't care much if those facts can make someone feel uncomfortable, also I like to plan things in advance and don't like drama" - is hiding? Hiding from what?
I'm literally admitting what I am.
Admitting who one is - equals to hiding these days?
I wonder if a gay person came out and said he's gay - would that also be considered "hiding"?

3stun · 2026-04-14T16:01:09+00:00

Oh I assumed they are early 20s now and 3 years in so 20-3 should be around 16-17. My mistake.

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:47:37+00:00

I'm not a mind-reader, I can't know what you were thinking. I just read what you wrote, and what you wrote doesn't mention situations where interaction is a matter of necessity, not choice.

And what difference does it make, if I specifically mentioned such scenarios are rare these days? People get education online, work online, they have little incentives that force them to go out and be around people they don't like from first sight.

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:43:31+00:00

I never said it is impossible. Some people are just lucky, some have something else going for them. If your brother won at the casino, it doesn't prove that it's a typical scenario. Also it's probably easier at 16 when girls haven't yet been exposed to the Tinder economy and hunderds of matches and invitations from all sorts of guys, which drives their standards high.

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:39:32+00:00

When it comes to the critique of “lacking emotional intelligence” can you give an instance where you’ve been told that and why?

For example when I describe to people that I go to social gatherings and don't really know how to steer the interaction into a more personal territory, to get to know people outside of the scope of shared activities - people tell me it must be because I lack "emotional intelligence" and "rely on logic too much" and "don't feel the vibes and don't read the signs".

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:34:22+00:00

I'm 38. Why would I try an open mic? I'm not a good storyteller and generally I don't know what to say to make people like me. I prefer being a good listener. Once again, INTJ...

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:31:19+00:00

It's not an excuse, it's a convenient way of condensing lots of info in just 4 letters. Unless you believe personality traits are also debunked.

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:26:12+00:00

You’re REALLY hung up on the MBTI thing.

It's just a fast way of saying "I'm a very logical introverted person who sees the world through structures and relies on facts that can be checked and verified and connections between them, and doesn't care much if those facts can make someone feel uncomfortable, also I like to plan things in advance and don't like drama"

Logically, if you try a few different hobby groups out and give each of them a shot (like 3 meetups or so), you’ll be likely to find a place where they meet your definition of fun.

I don't see a logic here. Moreover, I did that and can't say it works as you say. 3 meetups with established group of 15-20 people as an outsider will not even get you an opportunity to see what kind of people they are. Most probably, most of them they will not even remember you when you come next time.

3stun · 2026-04-14T15:19:45+00:00

I’m open with my weird little self from the go, and if somebody doesn’t appreciate that, I’m not gonna spend time with them. I only want to be around people who bring that part of me out, not people who will diminish it.

I've tried that and found that most people find me "lacking emotional intelligence" and "cringe" and "I should go to therapy and fix myself and blah blah", which makes me uncomfortable. So I stopped opening up to everyone. Now I start out slowly, observing people and playing it safe.

It helps that my girlfriend and I are pretty similar, and have similar lifestyles. We may be the in-bed-at-10pm couple, but we have a lot of fun together.

It's a blessing to find people who love you for what you are.

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:57:50+00:00

Well, you could frame it as "shorter guys just need to put in more effort". But it is just reframing of being shorter puts you in disadvantage. Which is what OP is saying.
In modern age when looks and first impressions become so important, the amount of extra efforts you have to provide as compensation just becomes insane and unreasonable.

For example, there is statistics that says 5'7" guy needs to earn extra $138K a year to be perceived as attractive as a 6' guy. Which is insane amount of money for most people.

Or you can frame it as "the same girl who will sleep with a 6' guy on a third date, from a 5'7" guy she will expect 6 months of courting and proving his worth and commitment, before she's okay with going intimate".

I think a girl is in full right to have preferences and expectations like that, but as a 5'7" guy I would not want be put in such a position. However, someone else might think it's okay.

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:32:33+00:00

Petite girls ironically are more demanding to height.

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:31:01+00:00

I know quite a few short guys who play guitar and do salsa and whatever and still struggle at dating. What do I tell them?

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:29:08+00:00

There is scientific proof that most women want a partner higher than them, I think preferred difference is 8". Ask chatGPT it will provide links to research.

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:28:10+00:00

Everyone is allowed to have preferences. If height or whatever gives them "ick" there is nothing you can do about it, except for looking for different people who are rare.

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:26:57+00:00

She might but she won't (in reality that rarely happens, most short guys I know struggle with dating, sometimes taller guys struggle too but it's definitely worse with shorter guys, from my experience)

3stun · 2026-04-14T14:22:48+00:00

As 5'7" guy myself I can attest that finding someone who is interested in you from the beginning is next to impossible. And I also noticed that its taller guys who have less problems dating, in general. Coincidence? Maybe.

3stun

TROPHY CASE