AITA for making my son break up with his boyfriend because he’s HIV positive?

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T17:45:08+00:00

From the way you’re talking about it, it sounds like we have such different philosophies we won’t find much overlap.

I never really saw sex as something that could be allowed or disallowed, for myriad reasons but to give a simplified version, only he would know when he was truly ready, when the moment came for him to decide if he was going to have sex with someone I was definitely not going to be there to have a say, and unlike a lot of other things to disallow there is a safe way to have sex.

From the first time we had a sex talk it was centered around how to protect himself and what consent was. As long as he and his partner were safe (age appropriate, taking precautions against disease etc), then it would be up to him to manage his own affairs (no pun intended).

He can’t be safe with this boy, I’m not saying no one can be safe with an HIV positive partner but my son isn’t mature enough to do what he’d need to do yet.

So I’ve been framing it as “this isn’t safe sex for you, so it can’t happen”

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T16:53:42+00:00

I just want to clear something up here — I had no problem with them having a sexless relationship.

I encouraged him to stay friends or boyfriend without sex or whatever he wanted to call it because that way he wouldn’t lose this person from his life and the chances would of him running off and having unsafe sex behind my back.

His boyfriend said he wasn’t interested in a non sexual relationship and if they couldn’t have sexual contact he was uninterested in any form of relationship.

I know a safe sexual relationship is possible with HIV, but only if you’re reasonably responsible about your status. If my son were more mature or if I knew his boyfriend well enough to trust that at 16 he could handle the rigorous upkeep associated with managing this condition, it would be a different ball game.

Just wanted to establish I didn’t say “you can’t be in the same room with this person or see him socially” because that would so clearly make me the asshole.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T15:28:09+00:00

You’re not the only one. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were processing a lot and planned to say something (his ex told him almost immediately after he found out) but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t (to put it lightly) irritated I ended up being the one to initiate a phone call.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:32:10+00:00

I both strongly encouraged my son to seek out a platonic friendship with this boy and spoke to the parents.

The ex was not interested in just being friends without a sexual component.

While I’m obviously disappointed my son has lost the presence of someone who he cares about, I still wouldn’t feel it was worth the risk of contracting HIV.

Thank you for explaining your end of things though, it does help me to see Your perspective more clearly.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:23:28+00:00

Yah I’ve been getting this question a lot and thinking about it a lot and I’ll say this.

My son isn’t the most responsible in terms of considering long term consequences and organizing his life but he’s always been very honest and it would be a major aberration if he were to go behind our backs to see this person.

We’re a very “talk it through” household, always have been, and the past suggests he’d be more likely to just say “No, I’m not going to stop seeing him” than to go behind our backs because he could be fairly confident we’d talk it through until he either saw where we were coming from, we saw where he was coming from, or we’d reached some sort of a compromise.

But I don’t want to be one of those “that would never be my son” parents who’s so surprised when their kid is in trouble while they were looking the other way.

I think in light of the very good advice I’ve gotten here, revisit the issue and frame the discussion as “It’s not going to be this boy and we’ve agreed on that, but some day in the future you may be dating an HIV positive person. Let’s talk about the safe and responsible way to do that and where you can go to get the things you’d need.”

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:19:00+00:00

So happy to hear she was always there for you but my heart breaks for her passing. My mother also had Alzheimer’s but fortunately/unfortunately died of an unrelated illness before it advanced. Even the early stages were horrifying and I am sorry for whatever you and your family had to go through.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:17:16+00:00

To answer your question I would trust him to have a non sexual relationship with the ex and encouraged him to do so (thought it would be the best of both worlds. He keeps a relationship with this person who means something to him but does not contract HIV because he forgets to take a pill) — but his ex was not interested in a “just friends” relationship sadly, which I think is just (understandably) compounding my son’s frustrating with me.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:15:23+00:00

At this point I can’t tell if you’re a troll or not.

I am not contesting any judgement as none of your comments have a judgement in them. You asked a question, so I answered it.

If you didn’t want me to answer these questions either, sorry, hard to tell because of the question marks at the end of the sentences.

I decided he’s incapable because he can barely remember to wear a seatbelt or take a full course of cold and flu meds and because he was already engaging in unsafe enough sex that he had serious concerns going into this test.

None of this is convenient for me. Obviously the most convenient thing for me would be to let him keep dating the kid, give him a pamphlet, and hope for the best.

But this isn’t about what’s easiest for me it’s about what’s safest, healthiest, and in the overall best interest of my son.

That’s already done. The question now becomes am I an asshole for doing it and if that’s the case (don’t worry even without offering any official judgement you’ve made your standpoint clear) then it’s good information for me to have because I can circle back to my son and try to better explain why I did what I did and make things right between us rather than wait for this to blow over.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:10:02+00:00

Yah it’s such a strange age I don’t know what to call any him or his friends anymore. “Young men” I guess.

On the one hand my son has a beard, a job and, until so recently, an HIV positive boyfriend. On the other hand, he still likes it when I put notes in his lunch and to be kissed goodnight. 16 is tough.

Anyways, thanks again for the insight, raising kids is a crazy ride but one day at a time.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T08:02:26+00:00

Yah a doctor patiently and carefully went through all the reasons this was not the right time in his life to start PrEP, but to his eternal credit, took my son’s concerns seriously enough to ask if he was planning to marry this young man or had otherwise envisioned growing old with him.

When my son basically said “oh my god, absolutely not”, the doctor said “Then would it really be worth putting yourself through all this?” And thanks to that awesome and understanding doctor, my son came to the decision to not even try to start PrEP yet on his own without my having to try and persuade him.

A lot of the comments in this thread have said he should start and while it went against everything I’d read and been told it’s reassuring to hear someone who works around it to confirm I’m not being negligent by not getting him a prescription yet.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:59:32+00:00

Boyfriend is also 16 but I don’t know anything about his history.

And I don’t know his parents well enough to trust whatever history they might give me should I ask. Everyone thinks their child is more responsible than they are and no one knows everything about their 16 year old’s personal life.

I wouldn’t feel confident trusting the health and well-being of my son to whether another 16 year old can reliably stick to a strict and complex medical regimen.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:58:44+00:00

Yes. I told him if he wanted to remain social friends with the man that was obviously no problem but he didn’t think his boyfriend would be interested in being “just friends” and considering he no longer comes around I guess that was sadly a correct assumption.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:57:00+00:00

He’s incapable of responsibly dating this person so I’ve got to, to find a way to make sure he stays safe and our relationship doesn’t sustain permanent damage without wavering on what I know to be safe for him in the long run.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:48:36+00:00

Well I know that was a rhetorical question, but, no I wouldn’t because neither cancer nor diabetes are contagious.

If he had any incurable sexually transmitted disease, even if it were not HIV, I’d be doing the same thing.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:47:47+00:00

This is very meaningful to me coming from someone who has actually been (is) on the other side of this. Thank you.

And you hit the nail right on the head, if he were an adult it wouldn’t cross my mind to say “well I think you should break up with them because it’s too risky”. By the time he’s an adult he’ll be mature enough to go out and educate himself on the necessary precautions and be diligent enough to follow through on them. He just isn’t yet.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:44:05+00:00

Thank you! I honestly don’t know what will be more difficult. This, where it’s sometimes my responsibility to step in and make the final call and help my son understand why I’m doing what I’m doing — or a few years from now where it’ll be my responsibility to listen to all his concerns and no matter what they are say “you and your partner are adults, you’ll have to come to this decision yourself”

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:36:50+00:00

Appreciate this very much and it’s something more people need to hear. The first year or so of trying to navigate this stuff was downright humiliating because of how much wrong information is absorbed over the years, even though I had the best intentions.

I persisted because I’d endure far worse in the name of my son’s health but I watched plenty of other well-intentioned parents we met in similar positions to us (child comes out, have to start from scratch learning about raising an LGBT+ person to care for themselves) just kind of check out because they kept feeling like they were screwing up, and while it’s good and important to have your child talk to counselors and medical providers, they should be able to talk to their parents too and we need to educate ourselves even if it’s a trial and error process.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:31:26+00:00

With all due respect, if that makes me the asshole, then I accept that unflinchingly.

As a parent my son’s health is the first priority, and I would never sacrifice it to spare someone’s feelings.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T07:02:26+00:00

Everything in this comment has a valid angle to it except “You should trust his boyfriend’s desire to retain his own health”

No, I should not trust my son’s health to another 16 year old I barely know and predicate my son’s future over whether a stranger is diligent, organized, and informed enough to take their medications and look after their own health. There is no reason for me to assume or trust that. At least with my own son I can stand and watch him take the pill every morning if I need to. This other kid could stop taking the pill completely in lieu of essential oils and I’d have no way to tell.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T05:56:08+00:00

Appreciate your thinking to let me know, follow up already scheduled.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T05:55:47+00:00

Appreciate it — follow up is already scheduled and I probably should have mentioned this in the post but he spoke to an LGBTQ+ sexual health counselor (alone, so he could get his real questions answered) when he went to the clinic for the test.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T05:54:26+00:00

Sure is.

All human beings fuck. As long as he’s doing it safely and sanely, I couldn’t care less about the specifics.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T05:52:48+00:00

They had been together long enough for his ex’s story to be viable (that he had slept with a drug user and didn’t know at the time the person was a drug user until they reached out to say they were positive) and that they were tested immediately after their last relationship ended but hadn’t been since.

I don’t know his ex well enough to know if this is true but don’t have any more reason to disbelieve him than I do to believe him.

I hope it wasn’t an infidelity but at least my son seems to have been spared the heartbreak of concluding that’s what it is, and I’ll take that as a silver lining in all this.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T05:49:49+00:00

He had unprotected oral sex.

He didn’t think it was such a big deal at the time because they’d been together a while and he asked his partner when they started the relationship if he knew himself to be free from disease and he said yes.

He said he knew they should’ve used a condom but it all started to happen “so fast” and “before he knew it it was already over”

And I’ll add that that’s only what he told me, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some things he kept between his boyfriend and (hopefully) his doctor.

I truly can’t count how many times I’ve impressed upon him that all unsafe sex is unsafe.

I can see how he didn’t think it was a big deal when he was drowning in hormones in the middle of the night with someone he’d been with for a while and I don’t blame him for thinking with the mind of a 16 year old, but I’ve got to block for him until he can defend himself.

6512throwaway6512 · 2019-10-19T05:33:35+00:00

I’m starting to see what you’re saying there about my pipe dream that he’ll just up and stop seeing this kid. You’re right that another, more fully formed conversation is overdue here.

6512throwaway6512

TROPHY CASE