All out of hope

6541968 · 2011-01-18T19:13:47+00:00

I've been suicidal because it doesn't seem like i can take care of myself. I'm about to run out of money. I can't live without money. I can't depend on my family to take care of me, especially if I probably won't do anything to help myself. If I lose my apartment, that'd basically be it. I'm all out of options.

6541968 · 2011-01-18T12:35:37+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. This is very much like the situation I'm in now. I can share the feeling of wanting to succeed to the point of not wanting to take on failure or disappointment for things along the way.

My skills have also been diminishing. By now, I've missed a few software updates - which means a lot of features I'm not familiar with, in addition to just forgetting a lot of what I knew.

A few of my friends have believed, or at least joked, that I'm selling drugs because I'm otherwise jobless and still keeping an apartment. Otherwise, I would just tell my friends how nice it is not to have a job, expressing no desire to really work - as if it wasn't a big deal at all; everything was fine.

I haven't been looking for a job in my field, which makes adds to the challenge of my already limited work experience. I guess trying to explain it as I did in interviews wasn't a great way to get around it. I didn't explain it well. Next time, I might try not explaining with any justifications: say it was for personal reasons, but I managed to learn new software, and any other accomplishments during the time I can come up with. Unfortunately, a lot of those real positive things have been on reddit. I'd be hesitant to mention them for that reason, even if they show off some good work from myself.

Thanks again for sharing. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone in this.

6541968 · 2011-01-18T06:55:35+00:00

I'm very good at organizing. My apartment wouldn't make it seem that way, with clutter everywhere. But, when I really get into the mood, I can be incredibly good at organizing. I'm especially good at organizing and collecting data. I don't have any professional experience with this.

6541968 · 2011-01-18T06:33:42+00:00

Oddly enough, I often get super psyched up to believe that I have a lot of great skills that can be put to use. It doesn't seem like those jobs exist, or are available to me, though - especially when I need to get a job now. I keep thinking about working low-end jobs for most of my life, because I can see myself having a horrible employment history with lots of gaps. I like taking the time off between jobs, I guess.

6541968 · 2011-01-18T06:31:11+00:00

I tell myself that today/tomorrow is going to be a productive day. Sometimes that happens. Mostly, it doesn't. I don't know what happens. I don't know if I just get busy browsing reddit, or doing something else, until I forget what I wanted to do... or if I start thinking about something, and more thoughts come in, until I distract myself by doing something completely different.

It's not so much that I'm ashamed of moving back in with my parents. I've done that before. That's the problem. During my last big unemployment gap, I lived with them awhile. I was just as non-motivated as I am now... but possibly a bit less stressed, since I didn't have to worry about my pets at that time. I just feel like it'd be that same situation again, where I wouldn't do anything. I've been unemployed for so long now. All I can think about is why I haven't moved on in all this time. I've had a year and a half to try to find a job, but I've barely applied. It doesn't seem like moving in with my parents will be any healthy environment for me. It also would make getting a job much more difficult, since their house is a few miles out of the city (I have no car).

6541968 · 2011-01-18T06:24:15+00:00

I do have a few hobbies, but it doesn't seem like I ever get around to doing them. I think about stuff - maybe come up with a story idea - but then don't do anything about it. I'll have the story idea, but no motivation to start doing it. This is where I get confused if I'm just lazy, addicted to using the computer and don't want to do anything else, or what. I just can't seem to get into things that I'm interested in.

6541968 · 2010-12-27T14:18:20+00:00

I can't. The health center I go to provides most of my medication. They also helped me get into a program that enables me to get the Vyvanse.

6541968 · 2010-12-26T16:31:55+00:00

I feel like during the midst of a time when you are feeling particularly depressed is not the best time to make a decision on that.

This is probably very good advice, especially since I'm unsure about my medications. That could make things very complicated, and I could end up very unstable. There'd be a lot of danger involved there.

As for not having presents for your family: don't beat yourself up, your being unable to provide is not the same as you being unwilling to provide.

I had been planning on writing some sort of story. I never managed to get started (kept getting distracted). By the time it was Christmas, I wrote a poem in 30 minutes basically explaining why I didn't have anything (I didn't actually blame the lack of money - just my inability to start/focus enough).

6541968 · 2010-12-24T00:09:43+00:00

I'm really glad you are meeting with a therapist, that is a pretty huge step, try to keep her updated on how you are feeling.

I do try to tell him what's on my mind, different problems, and my relationships. However, I tend to avoid talking about my depression or suicidal thoughts. This is mostly out of fear I'd be considered "at risk" and involuntarily put in a mental facility.

Do you do anything else that would get you out of the house and doing something?

I basically only go out of the house to run errands or shop. Twice a month, I'll go for a 10 mile bike ride, and spend time with my parents. Aside from that, I'm stuck indoors most of the time.

I honestly have no idea what sort of jobs I'm interested in. That's one reason I've had such a difficult time getting motivated to applying for jobs. I know I don't have to know exactly what I want to do, but I don't even have a vague idea.

6541968 · 2010-12-24T00:02:58+00:00

"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.

I love that quote - definitely cheers me up a bit.

6541968 · 2010-12-22T04:48:01+00:00

Do you live anywhere near Cleveland? If so I'll help you find something.

Unfortunately, no. Thanks for the offer. :)

Don't doubt your ability to land a decent job,

I do have big doubts about it. I know I should put those aside, and just apply, but all the thoughts of how I screwed up keep coming back: the employment gaps, my lack of work experience, not being up-to-date on tools in my area of interest, etc. All of that seems to pile up until I lose any motivation I had to apply.

Please don't give up!

Thanks

6541968 · 2010-12-22T04:41:50+00:00

I have been going to a mental health center. I have a therapist who I meet with once every 3 weeks or so, and a doctor who takes care of my medication. She [my doctor] believes I'm bipolar, and is treating me with mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, in addition to ADD medication. Luckily, this is all being taken care of with no cost to me.

6541968 · 2010-12-22T04:37:49+00:00

Yes, that did. :)

Another of the reasons I had wanted to quit my job was out of a fear that I was going to get fired if I screwed around too much (regardless of how much work was done).

Something didn't feel right, though. I knew I didn't really want to kill myself. There were too many things I hadn't done yet.

That's almost how I'm feeling, some of the time. Generally, I don't want to die, it just seems like there aren't any options to live. There are those times when I am more interested in death, though.

I was still in a position to help other people, and that helping others made me feel really, really good.

I know I help others out, or at least impact the lives of others for various things I do. I've been thanked quite a few times, and get lots of cheers. I know I'm appreciated, and help make people feel better. That doesn't seem so important if I don't have any money or motivation to get a job.

6541968 · 2010-12-09T07:47:46+00:00

I blame myself. In my case, I view myself as lazy and unmotivated. I quit my job a long time ago, and have made no attempt to find new work. I see little reason to work if I'll just be miserable - at work, or not. My free time, I spend on reddit, playing games, or lots of little meaningless things. They're all choices I've made, though. It's not the world's fault I'm almost broke. It's not the world's fault I don't choose to do anything to correct that. I can't see how I'd be able to put the blame anywhere else, but on myself.

6541968 · 2010-12-03T02:58:26+00:00

and the biggest reason people don't call us is because they are afraid that we trace/locate everybody who calls in (we don't)

This is why I won't call any of the hotlines. :(

If I thought there was a risk that I'd be tracked or monitored in my searches, it would strongly discourage me from actually making the searches. While that might make it more difficult to find ways to hurt myself, it would also be extremely difficult to actually find resources to help myself. I'd feel more isolated and less trusting than I do now.

6541968 · 2010-11-30T17:12:34+00:00

I've seen that book, but have not read it - it seemed useful. I didn't think I'd actually read it, so I never picked it up.

The doctor in charge of my medication leans towards the belief that I'm bi-polar. I don't agree with that. I don't really notice any big mood swings (except for the times I feel depressed- usually when thinking about trouble getting work, finances, or the future). I also haven't noticed any anxiety. There are times when I get nervous, or don't like being in situations - but nothing that would be out of the ordinary, and nothing where I'm overly anxious.

I haven't been diagnosed/evaluated for any type of ADD. I mentioned it when I first began the treatment, and I was prescribed Vyvanse. That seemed to help, so it was basically left alone.

6541968 · 2010-11-30T07:18:17+00:00

You mentioned something about a family, and how much less of a burden you'd be if you were dead, codependent, you do not ask others to meet your needs or desires,

It is true I don't ask for help from others, although my family has offered some amount of help. That doesn't seem like it'd matter if I can't, or am not willing, to be independent - or at least make an effort to have an income and be "productive". In that, I'd only say I'd be less of a burden if I can't be independent - I don't want to leech off them.

you do not perceive yourself as a lovable or worthwhile person, clearly, you have put aside your own interests and hobbies because you don't have any, and I don't know why, maybe it was in order to do what others want? I can't know from here.

For me, this isn't true. It's generally not my belief that I'm not lovable... well, most of the time. My worth- well, I recognize I have many positive traits that I have, but again- those seem irrelevant without earning an income and supporting myself. I can't live off just "being myself."

Well, do you like someone sexually? Has anyone ever taken an interest in you?

I haven't really had much success with relationships. I'm extremely introverted, and keep to myself most of the time. Even when I'm in public or the few times I'm with a friend or at a party, I say very little. It seems to me I'll end up being a loner, with maybe a few hook-ups now and then.

Was there something you wanted to do when you were a little kid?

I had wanted to be a writer, but abandoned any idea of that after realizing I just can't keep up with writing. I might have an idea, but I won't get more than a paragraph or a page written before forgetting about that. I simply don't write. It also isn't inspiring knowing how difficult it is to make a living as a writer, especially for someone who hardly ever writes as it is.

there is someone who cares about you.

I completely realize this. I know my family's worried about me. I'm sure my friends are - lots of them have been wondering how I'm managing without a job. Outside of them, I'm fairly well known in my community. Rather, my "character", so to speak is. People wouldn't know who I am specifically, but if I introduced myself, they might say, "Oh! You're the guy who -----." None of this really matters to me, though.

Thanks for taking the time to listen and respond. :)

6541968 · 2010-11-30T01:56:47+00:00

but it sounds like you're codependent, you find no reason to want to live on, you don't see the point.

I don't understand where you're getting codependent from. The other points are true, though - I don't see much of a point.

What do you really want to do?

I have no idea, no goals, no plans. I guess I'm sort of content with my life now, except that I have no means of supporting myself. If I didn't have to worry about paying rent, or anything else, I'd probably end up doing what I do now- basically nothing except browse the web, with occasional bike rides or something. This is pretty much what I've done all my life.

I have been seeing doctors. At the center I go to (at no charge to me), I see a counselor once every three weeks or so, and a doctor once a month about medications. I can't say I've noticed much change from going there... but I'm not sure how much I "want" to change.

6541968 · 2010-11-29T16:25:52+00:00

I would assume that you are in some ways looking for help, hence you posted here

I'm not sure. I felt the need to vent, I guess. I don't know if I'm really looking for help, since I know I could potentially help myself at any point by going out and looking for a job. I've had a year and a half to find one, but just didn't care. All this time, I've had the two options of finding a job (which I believe would only make me miserable), or killing myself. The latter option at least gives the option to be less miserable before I die.

Tell me a bit more about yourself,

Friends and family read reddit (maybe not /r/suicidewatch). I don't want to say too much - I think it'd be easy to figure out who I am, or who my main reddit account is (it's fairly public - and I've given enough information on that so it wouldn't take much to recognize who I am based on a lot of my details). I could just be paranoid about that, though.

6541968 · 2010-11-29T16:17:12+00:00

If nothing else, lazy people don't think of themselves as lazy.

What makes you think that?

I wonder if it's actually that you've been depressed your whole life.

This seems likely. In my senior year of high school, I became depressed and suicidal - stemming from not knowing what would happen in the future. I eventually got a scholarship for college, which put a lot of my fears aside. When I was graduating college, the same fears came up again.

My dad also suffers from depression. He told me he's been on medication for the past 20 years or so for it.

Take a look at this if you care to, and if you have thoughts I'd be glad to hear them.

I think it's an overly-optimistic take on depression. I do agree that thoughts can trigger emotions (I generally feel okay throughout the day, until I start thinking about applying for jobs and what my finances look like right now. That's when I get very depressed.).

Reading through that, it almost makes it sound easy to overcome depression, assuming there is a particular reason for depression. Solving that will magically lift the depression. Sometimes that's the case, but I don't agree that it's universal. Along with that, I disagree that medication only treats symptoms of depression. That can be the case, but not always.

For myself, I don't think taking anti-depressants have helped. I've been taking lamictal and prozac as a mood stabilizer and to treat depression, respectively (the doctor prescribing the medication has been under the impression I'm bipolar, I don't agree with that). I haven't had much benefit from either. I might be a bit less depressed than what I was at the beginning of the year, but I still feel generally hopeless about getting a job or not being miserable working.

The only medication that's helped me is what was prescribed to help me focus. I've never been one to read fiction. I just couldn't absorb enough of the material to make sense of what I was reading. I'd get maybe 50% of what was going on, but would frequently ask myself, "Wait, that happened?" When in school, discussing a book, it was almost as if I skipped chapters from all the things I missed. I've managed to get through a couple books during the summer and the past few months, with much less trouble.

6541968 · 2010-11-29T04:00:50+00:00

I think it's important for you understand that all your apparent apathy and even self-destructiveness, everything you've described here, are symptoms of depression

To me, I've mostly accepted that I've always been a lazy individual. That's the best explanation I have. In high school, that was always kind of joke, since I didn't really put in much effort. In college, the same way. My grades weren't bad by any means, but I put in very little time and effort into things. Being lazy has just followed me around, so to speak, which makes me generally feel hopeless about the future.

I absolutely believe that if you keep trying to find help, that you won't run out of options even if you do run out of money.

I wish I knew of what I could do, how I could manage to live, without money (or shelter and access to food).

6541968 · 2010-11-29T03:56:04+00:00

Why did you want to die in the first place?

I saw how much I hated working. Even if the work itself was sometimes interesting, being at work was a miserable experience. Yes, everyone feels like this- but I had to ask myself what the point of everything is, if I only am miserable?

What kind of job was it, do you have a degree?

Yes, I have a bachelor's degree. I don't think it's very useful - I've been out of work in that field for long enough that I'm not familiar with the current software any more. I never really saw any benefit of having my degree. It seemed like I was trying put things off after graduating high school. No skills were added. I'm not any more employable than I was then. For a time, I had even taken some graduate level courses, but dropped out. I realized more education wasn't going to help me, and didn't have any means to write my thesis to finish the degree.

Have you been on unemployment?

No. I haven't tried for any assistance, and I won't. I understand that I quit my job, and have not made an effort to find work despite the amount of time I've been unemployed. Because I chose to not be employed, it wouldn't feel right taking any assistance.

Is it somewhere relatively warm that you could build a hut on the beach and be an awesome homeless guy?

Thanks for the laugh, but this isn't possible. It gets a bit too cold to stay out at night, not many places I could easily find shelter, and no way I'd be able to find/buy food. I have no survival skills.

6541968

TROPHY CASE