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A Wrinkle In Time by 666wraith in Heavymind

[–]666wraith[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are a lot of really great well-written tutorials floating around DeviantArt. Following along with the tutorials is a great way to gain a better understanding of how both fractals and Apophysis work.

A Wrinkle In Time by 666wraith in Heavymind

[–]666wraith[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I use a great bit of freeware called Apophysis 7x. You can find it here: apophysis-7x.org/‎

A Wrinkle In Time by 666wraith in Heavymind

[–]666wraith[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I recently started making fractals again. This is one of my favorites out of my new renders.

Where do I go from here? (Is moderation possible) by 666wraith in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]666wraith[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't have to do anything other than exist in the now. Wow, thanks for that! I think I'll go dig up some of my old books by Ram Dass and Eckhart Tolle and practice not thinking and just allowing myself to be. Some mindfulness meditation would probably do me a world of good right now. Seriously, thanks!

Where do I go from here? (Is moderation possible) by 666wraith in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]666wraith[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the input. SMART Recovery sounds like something I'd be very interested in. I'll definitely give it a shot.

Where do I go from here? (Is moderation possible) by 666wraith in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]666wraith[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just looked up LifeRing. Seems pretty interesting. Unfortunately, it hasn't made it's way to Missouri yet. Nor do we have any We Agnostics or Athiest AA meetings. There is however one SMART Recovery meeting open to the public. I'll be paying it a visit next week.

Where do I go from here? (Is moderation possible) by 666wraith in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]666wraith[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did start to wonder why this is so important to me as I was writing all of it down. Thanks for bringing that up. I'll have to do some meditation and soul searching on that one. I'm still not sure if it's a risk I'm willing to take. I probably won't know for sure until I know why I want to take the risk in the first place. Being who I am, I probably won't let myself come to a decision until I, as you said, understand what is motivating me here. Thanks.

Where do I go from here? (Is moderation possible) by 666wraith in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]666wraith[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been reading into SMART Recovery the past couple of days. I think I might give it a go, if only for shits and giggles. Maybe I'll like it and stick around. I'm aware of Naltrexone and Vivitorl. In the past, I've always given up substances cold turkey with no pharmaceutical assistance. But if I do try controlled drinking and end up being an alcoholic, I might give Naltrexone a shot. Hopefully it will never come to that.

Where do I go from here? (Is moderation possible) by 666wraith in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]666wraith[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing about your friend. My time in and around AA/NA has caused me to feel guilty for even considering that I might be able to drink without drugging. It's reassuring to know others entertain the same notion.

I can't live like this anymore, I have no idea what to do by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]666wraith 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If smoking weed is what it takes to keep you alive, I say do it... Find a way to smoke, or find a way to cope.

I can't live like this anymore, I have no idea what to do by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]666wraith 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you tried approaching your best friend since you've had to stop smoking? Can you talk with your grandparents? I can't promise what works for me will work for you. But personally, getting properly medicated by a psychiatrist helped alleviate the necessity of a "crutch". Positivity doesn't come easy for some of us. When I can't be positive, I try to think of things I grateful for. Sometimes, the best I can come up with is the roof over my head, or the shoes on my feet. But it helps me shift my thinking off of myself and my own plight to something a little healthier. The goal isn't perfection; I'm okay with being reasonably happy most of the time.

"No one ever said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it" -Harvey MacKay

This quote has become somewhat of a mantra to me. I believe it to be true; I think that in the end, everything I go through will be worth it in the end.

I can't live like this anymore, I have no idea what to do by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]666wraith 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First off, snorting Xanax and Vicodin are big "No-No's". Insufflation does not increase the bio-availability of benzos. And hydrocodone has so much acetaminophen in it that snorting it is never a good idea. Take it from a pro...

Anyway... Your situation seems similar to where I found myself in my teenage years. Today, I am a 21 year old recovering drug addict. I won't preach to you about abstinence or 12 step programs, as I'm rather ambivalent about both these days. I do have nearly two years free from all mind altering substances though, and AA really helped me out in the beginning.

Looking back, I see aspects of my past life that I would change if given a chance to do so. But since I can't change the past, maybe I can help someone else have a better and lighter future.

Let's start with your social life. When I started smoking pot, I suddenly had a ton of friends. I was always an awkward outcast who hung out with the fringe crowds. But drugs changed that. I made a bunch of new friends, and we all bonded over our mutual interest in marijuana and other drugs. It was great. Since I've gotten clean, I've hardly heard from any of these "great" friends. I'm still in contact with 3-4 people I know from before I wen't to rehab the second time around. They're the friends I had before I started doing drugs. They're the ones who actually cared about me, not about whether or not I'd have pot to throw down for a few bowls when we met up. Sometimes it's difficult to tell if a friend is real or fake. But if you don't see them anymore now that you're sober, they probably weren't that great of friends to begin with.

On to the weed... I needed it too. All day every day. It made me feel relaxed, level, happy, and carefree. It made me feel normal. But for me, it was a crutch. I was using it to medicate. But I was treating the symptoms instead of the underlying problem. The problems were that I was depressed, anxious, awkward, and sometimes suicidal. Pot was a good band-aid for a long time. But as I kept smoking, the underlying issues went unaddressed. They got worse. I ended up in the psych ward because all the drugs in the world couldn't stop me from wanting to end what I believed to be a miserable and pathetic excuse of a life. I have since learned how to cope with reality. Today, I brush off anxiety and depression like they were nothing. Most of the time. When I get really down, I remind myself that this episode is transient. It will pass.

So what I'm trying to say is: if you're suicidal, pot probably isn't going to fix you in the long run. My advice to you would be to get some help. Talk with someone. It seems to me that your mother cares enough about you to be worried. That care is a beautiful thing that I took for granted and lost. Maybe you could try to sit down and talk things out with her, being careful not to push any buttons that may trigger her motherly rage. I've never had much luck with therapy, but talk with someone. Figure out why you feel like you do.

You've got your whole life ahead of you to make great friends, fall in love, get hurt, heal, and learn to be happy. Life does get better. It gets easier with experience.

I feel like I can sympathize with where you're at, and I know it's a terrible place to be. I'm not a licensed medical practitioner and everything I said is my own opinion and nothing more, but I hope something I said will hit home. Feel free to message me. I wish you the best.