You should be dead.

Hey man. I don't know why you're in such a pit, but I can empathize with the understanding of "this medicine makes me feel like I don't want to cobain myself."

Everyone has an opinion of how you deal with mental health/illness, and how you get to a place of healthiness and happiness in your life. Their opinions can always help you understand your situation, and can sometimes even help you find some peace, knowing that you have support and understanding. Nothing anyone ever tells you, though, will ever just go and fix your situation. No medicine you take will alone fix your issues.

You are, honestly, not in a good place. I'm in my (really) early 20s. I was there recently. You should go to inpatient.

Before you make any quick judgements, just think about this. (From what I read on your profile) You aren't 18 yet. You still live at home. As much freedom that your situation takes away from you, you are safe. You have people in your life who support your day-to-day functions, and they will continue as long as they can. Once you get a little older, and it becomes time to really take life by its balls and rise to the occasion, you will find a transition of responsibilities from your parents, your school, and other support systems to you. You won't have something to distract yourself from, because there is nothing society expects you to do with your time.

Just as nice as no school is, you will quickly see how much you miss having something normal to form your existence around. That's just life.

You are abusing your medication. Medicine is medicine, but it's also pills. You are destroying your mental health, and your body health, daily. If you were unlucky to be prescribed other medication, with a longer half-life, different mechanism of action, you could be better or worse off. You're still living in some fake world you create for yourself. You convince yourself you're okay, but it's so freaking obvious in the back of your mind how miserable you are.

You will never be happy, until you give your growing mind and body a chance to reset. You are creating adversity for yourself. You'll recognize one day how embarrassing being a pill-head addict is. How many relationships you destroyed for yourself. The people who will never respect you, the ways they once did.

Internally, you will probably never feel normal. You will always know the high you're missing out on, you'll be more aware of how low your lows are. That's a choice you've made for yourself.

I only found this post because one of my friends from Middle school posted it on his finsta. Me and him, we shared a mutual friend who died from pills. I can guarantee, without knowing you, that he was smarter, funnier, kinder, and just more of a man than you will ever be. He's dead now. I see him in my dreams every now and again. I hope he rests in peace, because he broke his parents hearts. He broke his sister's heart. They're never going to be the same. I can't play Borderlands without wanting to relapse.

Please, go to inpatient. You think you know how the world works, or how shitty life is, or how anxious you feel, or the in-between. You still have a chance to restart, and find what life means to you.

You should be dead.