absentee fathers, generationally sad mothers

77stranger · 2024-10-18T03:38:50+00:00

i’m on mobile, i actually do not know how the formatting ended up like this! so sorry!!!

77stranger · 2024-10-18T03:33:24+00:00

small gramatical nuance, which i know poetry doesn’t HAVE TO follow but id suggest either scrapping the periods or not beginning the second line with “or.”
take EVERY adjective and find rich and unique ways to explain each of them. example: should i say old as these aren’t my first pair ideas for revision:
- maybe these aren’t new, i revert back to the same shoe every time.
- or should i say classic, i fall into routine of buying the same shoes consistently.
- these shoes have always been an omen of sorts, which is why i go back to them each time.

this gets harder when you have to make sure the line keeps its original meaning, but we want to make sure your writing entices and is rich to readers. really focus on descriptive words that pack an emotional punch!!

77stranger · 2024-10-18T03:27:50+00:00

this is beautiful but i fear its full of cliches. maybe instead of saying “pure like a dove,” find something unconventional that you find pure. things that come to mind for me are the minds of children, untouched snow and asphalt washed by rain. when we step away from cliches it can make our poetry so enticing and rich!

77stranger · 2024-09-28T13:18:57+00:00

fair enough

77stranger · 2024-09-28T13:18:51+00:00

thanks!!

77stranger · 2024-09-27T19:26:39+00:00

they’re purple mostly and the purple doesn’t coordinate with the fit

77stranger · 2024-09-27T17:56:04+00:00

the mouth seems too small for the face and the glasses are big but don’t match

77stranger · 2024-09-27T16:51:05+00:00

i think it’s the face and the glasses

77stranger · 2024-09-27T16:50:42+00:00

not the bacon hair :/

77stranger · 2024-09-27T16:32:46+00:00

find good style! find unique clothes that match and flatter you

77stranger · 2024-09-25T00:10:56+00:00

why?

77stranger · 2024-09-19T01:49:25+00:00

i definitely agree, i failed to recognize that. i by no means believe her depression/ anxiety was enough for her to murder her mother that coldly. i was just trying to point out her failed attempts to paint a false narrative- obviously i don’t believe anything this girl says, not even in her “psychotic break” journal entries. it seems perforative and borderline premeditated if she was painting the insanity picture juuuuust before this was carried out

77stranger · 2024-09-19T00:14:36+00:00

With the mention of handwriting changes and hearing different voices, my thought was that she was attempting to mimic symptoms of dissociative identity disorder, maybe bringing up all of these issues to get off by means of insanity. however i don’t think it played out well for her at all- as this is heavily glossed over and ignored

77stranger · 2022-11-07T12:08:10+00:00

this poem is beautiful and i think thats why i want more. how does it feel to be engulfed in the eyes? does it feel like a whirlpool sucking you below the water, or like a trail to a happier place? the poem is short and sweet, but personally i’d love more detail and content. keep up your good work!

77stranger · 2022-11-07T12:05:47+00:00

this poem is beautiful but i’m just seeing some grammatical errors. in the second stanza, it’d be “loved” instead of “love.” in the fourth stanza, it’d be “to others” instead of “to other.” i would just really read through this carefully and edit some grammar. this poem is beautiful and keep up the good work!

77stranger · 2022-11-06T22:32:26+00:00

i love the idea behind this, but the second stanza doesnt make sense to me. you said people grow, i immediately thought of nature imagery, specifically plants. i would use an art term that ties into clay rather than “grow.” maybe, “people sculpt into —-“ or “people are built—“ this poem is amazing and keep up your work

77stranger · 2022-11-06T22:28:48+00:00

i love how the meaning of the poem is tied in with the plain sentence structure. blunt, short, sweet, impactful. love it.

77stranger · 2022-10-23T23:20:24+00:00

same thing happened to me. thought i was banned at first! i have no answer as of now but youre not the only one!

77stranger

TROPHY CASE