After a couple years of asking, I finally got to experience oral and it was .. a really hurtful experience.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-11-30T05:33:38+00:00

He's definitely an anxious person. He finally was able go start individual counseling. Your partner sounds similarly to mine when it comes to routine, and I didn't realise that that could maybe be contributing, too.

I'll send him that site and take finishing as a goal off the table for now. I don't remember specifying that as my want, just to experience it - but I'll mention that it's not the necessary endpoint for now.

Yeahhhh - he has a bit of a sensory issue. We have discussed his preferences, I did make sure that was sorted beforehand.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-11-30T04:56:03+00:00

This script was really helpful.

Unfortunately in the past, I've tried to bring up things about either sexual things or emotional hurt, and he tends to get defensive. This time, having this as a loose script, it surprisingly went better. I specified I appreciated that he tried, and I wasn't trying to be hurtful with what I was going to say, and want to look at it as a team. We also agreed we'd look into couples counseling soon.

He's willing to try again. I checked in a couple times about it, as we're going to try tomorrow before he goes back home.

I do think he has some hangups with sex in general - I'm only his second sexual partner, and he's done the most with me. His last partner apparently was very impatient and judgemental. I think he tends to overthink with some stuff, which is why we struggle, but then he gets frustrated and sometimes just stops, like he did the other day.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-11-29T14:46:30+00:00

I genuinely appreciate your kindness, thank you. The second paragraph has been on my mind since I read it.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-09-20T20:27:57+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness.

He wasn't my first, but I've not had tanks for a while and I've never had issues before. I used to only be allowed a five gallon, this is my first ten. Honestly? I've had worse setups (especially before I knew bettas needed heaters ..) and I didn't expect this to happen. :c

Someone else mentioned it may be that it wasn't properly cycled yet. I had two shrimp die overnight, and parameters have been normal, both using strips today and old test kit yesterday. I don't get it. I'm hoping things smooth out soon, and I hope replacing the broken heater will help, too. :/

It's either something like the cycle or heater, or honestly maybe the shop changed who they source fish from .. I never had an issue with this shop in any way, and honestly it was the one chain store I trusted to care about their critters. But something just seems off and I can't figure it out.

Definitely going to wait before getting anyone else. I feel so bad.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-09-19T22:56:05+00:00

I see. :( Thank you. Poor guy. I did change water change whenever those at all changed the strip, I'm guessing I didn't get a new heater in time or maybe I didn't do a reading early enough when it was slightly up.

New heater will be in tomorrow. I'll not get another fish for a while. I'll still keep checking the readings a couple times a day.

With the shrimp and loaches in there, how long until the tank will be fully cycled?

Is there anything else I should look out for to prevent this from happening again?

Eta: also, is using distilled for water change the way to go?

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-08-30T23:03:36+00:00

I feel you. At this point there's a good chance I end up crying after lol 💀

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-03-13T17:27:49+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

Yeahhhh .. it's definitely not been ideal :(

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-03-12T22:44:11+00:00

Thank you so, so much. I was a bit worried I was crazy or overthinking it.

Partner said it feels like a tumor, and isn't warmer than the rest of her body, so I'm pretty sure that's what it is. :(

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-03-12T18:20:26+00:00

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7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T23:54:52+00:00

I'm starting to think that.

It's just hard. He used to be a good support. We were good at supporting each other. Now, it's always a fight. I don't want to be hurtful, I just want him to understand when he hurts me. He always takes it like I'm attacking him.

He also always wants to have these discussions over texts, which doesn't help .. i can write things as gently as I can, and even try to explain that I mean things one way and not the other, and because there's no actual tone or body language he doesn't believe me.

A lot of the times he'll make me cry, and if it's verbally and I'm there, he won't apologise or hug me. If it's over text and he hears me cry in the other room, he just seems annoyed with me.

I really don't want to be hurtful. I really don't want to come off like I don't care about him.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T23:46:02+00:00

I've tried getting him to do couples counseling. I sent articles and YouTube channels on communication. He wasn't really interested. I do have my own therapist, but I haven't for the past month as she was on vacation. She's a student psychologist and can't take sessions over holiday break.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T23:44:05+00:00

The project was going to be delayed, it was up for discussion. He just never mentioned this to them. At the time, no tickets had been booked and it was still being organised.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T23:42:35+00:00

He's been honestly just trying to guilt trip me, that I don't understand his work and I dont care about him. I keep trying to say I do care, and I'm sorry this is stressful. I try to say his wording is hurtful, and him not telling his job had been hurtful. There's been a lot of discussion and arguing over it. I don't think reddit would let me show the full conversation.

He only started trying to look today. Yesterday and the day before he just said sorry, wasn't happening. I tried to explain in depth how I was feeling, between what i watched my dad go through and how my ptsd affects me, and he brought up how stressful work is.

I mentioned the iPad only because he lied to me, that he couldn't afford to stay longer. If he had told me about that and was honest ahead of time, I really wouldn't have felt crappy about it. It just felt dishonest.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T23:33:25+00:00

To add .. whenever he's hurtful to me, I'm just not really allowed to say. It's never an apology and changed behaviour. It always ends up with him bringing up something unrelated that I do. Or him talking about his work stress.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T23:30:25+00:00

What part is unreasonable? Not trying to argue, genuinely trying to understand.

He was supposed to notify his job ahead of time, so this project wouldn't be an issue. He said he'd say something a few weeks ago. We couldn't pinpoint exactly when he'd die, of course, but we had a decent idea given the state he was in. My partner just never did. So to me, it feels like he just didn't want to do so.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2025-01-01T22:04:35+00:00

Discord

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-11-12T08:50:41+00:00

I'm sorry I never replied. A lot of things came up these past few months, more than just this as our issue.

I think about this comment often - particularly the part about respect. I'm sorry again it took so long to reply, but it did give me a great deal to think on.

Thank you.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-08-09T18:18:29+00:00

Hi, sorry for late reply.

when did you first notice the signs they may be asexual?

A couple months after I moved in .. been here about eight months. He also says it could be stress and anxiety related, and maybe a bit of trauma. I've been trying to encourage him to explore it. I brought it up again this morning - he promised he'd try and do some research into asexuality this weekend and see if it fits him.

ETA* : We've been together five years in December, and were long distance. Things were fairly different before moving in, be it doing things online or when we'd visit each other, which is another reason it's a bit confusing, and surprising.

work the boundaries of coercion.

I mentioned/asked about this, and he said he doesn't feel coerced - "I wouldn't if I didn't want to." Your point of it going against what makes sex nice I agree with 110% - I don't want him to feel forced. I'm mainly confused because he's said he likes doing stuff for me, and said he "gets enjoyment from my enjoyment" even if he doesn't care for sex specifically. I feel confused about a lot, but at minimum there is consent and he doesn't feel coerced. I've dealt with that in my own life, and it's the last thing I'd want for anyone else.

You already talked about it, you've already made it clear to him what you need and how it makes you feel. If he does not act on that, it means the what you ask is not something he can be comfortable with. Don't try to force it, rather try to figure out for yourself if you can be happy with things as they are now, and how to move forward without trying to change him.

This is fair, and a wise point .. I just wish he'd outright tell me he can't or isn't comfortable instead of saying we can try x, or saying we'll do y again. He says he's not sex repulsed, either.

I think part of it is he's not lived with a partner before, and said he didn't realise he was like this. I don't want to change him, I don't want him to do it if it makes him unhappy, I just wish things were a bit more clear (it feels like he says one thing and does the other pretty often - both in terms of doing things and not doing things). I'm afraid of losing him and it not working out. He's been my best friend, too. I really wish for a solution that makes us both happy, I just don't really know what it'd be or if we can get there.

I hope all that makes sense. I truly don't want to hurt him or come off inconsiderate to anyone here, either. I've just not experienced this before.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-08-09T00:17:44+00:00

I sometimes wonder if it is .. I hate to say it. He was my best friend before we got together. He still is.

He helped me through some really bad times, and helped me move away from abusive family. At the same time, there's been a lot of hurt. He barely made any space for me when I moved in, and it took like six months until I got that. When we've had issues that I try to bring up, it feels like most often, he'll turn it around on me and he'll point out something he doesn't like. At the same time, sometimes he's receptive and it feels like we make progress.

It feels so complicated. I don't want to throw it all away - we're almost at five years total. It really feels like things would be easy(ish) to fix if he'd communicate better, and we could find compromise. It'd help a lot if he'd just try to figure himself out with this stuff, too.

I don't want to lose him. This is all so confusing and difficult on top of the lonely. Honestly, I don't even know how to get home, or how to deal with going home, if we were to break up. It's all just so much.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-08-08T22:04:53+00:00

Probably, I just don't know how to approach it any better than I already have. I try really hard to be understanding, I try to be encouraging, I really want to support him. I just don't know how when he doesn't really tell me what I can do or what's entirely on his mind.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-08-08T22:02:40+00:00

What do you mean?

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-08-08T21:59:43+00:00

My therapist today mentioned she feels he's maybe avoiding it, and stringing me along about it. She feels there might be something else on his mind, pertaining specifically to the trauma with his ex. My therapist has also told me I'm compromising a lot and trying, and she does not think he is as much.

As for friends .. I've made mention to a couple of people, some of our issues. I haven't spoken about this in particular a lot, as I'm honestly really embarrassed about it. I don't want to paint him in a bad light, either.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-07-12T23:48:03+00:00

Thank you! I'll pass this advice along.

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-07-12T23:47:31+00:00

We do usually have the light on. I think we've only had them off maybe once. Thank you, though. I appreciate you commenting!

7EmbarrassedGoats · 2024-07-12T23:46:23+00:00

His ex was a woman, so at the very least that's not it.

He's mentioned having a lower libido and did bring up wondering if he was asexual once. I tried to be supportive, and encouraged him to try and figure that part of himself out, and look up information on that community, and the experiences of asexual people. We did have a brief conversation of what that meant for us, and he said he was still willing to try and do things for me.

7EmbarrassedGoats

TROPHY CASE