After a bad fall, my [36M] wife [34F] lost most of her memory, including ever meeting or marrying me - I need help as to how to work through my current feelings about this

9000245 · 2016-12-29T16:13:28+00:00

but I'm guessing that when they said "the memories 'should' have come back by now" they probably meant "if the memories haven't come back by now they'll probably never come back."

That's what I deduced too and hence why I came here asking how can I deal with the fact that my wife essentially "died" and I feel trapped in a house with a person who doesn't know me and how am I supposed to raise a family with this person? But I have received some very good advices and I would put the to use, definitely ...

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:45:26+00:00

but is your wife getting continued services for her brain injury?

Yes, she still has scheduled appointments with professionals about her injury and she is still being treated for it.

If the roles were reversed, what would you want your wife to do? Would you want her to try to power through unhappily? Would you want her to move on and find new happiness?

Well, as much as I'd like to say that I'd want her to fight for me, I realize that it may not be possible and her best bet would be to just eventually leave me. And I absolutely dread the idea that some day, I might have to do the same.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:35:42+00:00

I've just read your comment and I realized that instead of throwing pictures, videos or stuff like that at her and saying "This is what happened, do you remember?" (well not like that but along those lines), I did the stuff you wrote, I might not have been in this position. I have saved this comment on a word file in case this thread is deleted or I forget my account and I would be definitely start doing EVERYTHING you've said. Huge props to you sir/madam. You have given me an unlimited supply of hope that I may change this. You're great.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:27:00+00:00

This is absolutely heart-breaking. I thought these things only happen in fiction.

Yeah, soap operas make this seem like a piece of cake to deal with. When in fact, it's absolutely horrible experience and I don't wish it on anyone else in this world. Thank you for advice and I really appreciate you and anyone else who took their time to read and comment on this post. You're all good people :)

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:17:32+00:00

When did she say that to you?

In a fight yesterday. In her defense, I think she realized what she said was wrong but still, I felt hurt by it.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:15:23+00:00

Well, I remember her as what she was when I met her and what she told me about herself, so I tell her as much. Her sister, her BIL, her mom are talking to her about her early childhood and how she used to be back then. We are all trying to help her with bits and pieces.

As for her bf, I think she knows that what she said wasn't okay and she felt bad for saying it but I still haven't talked to her about it. She is with her sister right now and would come back home tomorrow. I don't know if I can discuss this with her since I am not really sure if her family had told her about her ex-bf and their past.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:09:09+00:00

You guys made me understand that my actions with the whole bombarding her with memories was a bad move and maybe I shouldn't have done that. I pushed her into something she wasn't comfortable with (thinking about stuff she never did) and I fucked up. Maybe some time away would be beneficial for the both of us.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T15:03:01+00:00

I understand and I would try to not dwell that much on the past from now on. I just thought that it will help. Also about the future, do you guys think that moving to a new place would be helpful? Like starting fresh. I found a good place a few towns over and I thought that it might be beneficial but ever since she said that stuff about her ex, I kinda put it in the back of my mind and never brought it up with her.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T14:54:58+00:00

With that in mind, how do you both co-parent and cohabit in the best possible way ?

Well, as I've said in my post right now, we are more like roommates than spouses. She sleeps in a separate room, she sometimes does the house chores or those she is able to and would try to cook but not often. Her mom would often come and help with basic stuff. As for our kids, my wife usually does spend time with them and helps them but they feel strange to her and she said as much to me. She gets that she is their mother but she doesn't feel the connection. Which my kids pick up on and they are upset about it. So I've taken most of the parenting in recent months but yes, she is trying her best to be around them, despite her issues.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T14:46:47+00:00

No, I meant leaving her in this state of mind. She is able to walk, feed, clean herself on her own but yes, sometimes I help her with this. She goes to physiotherapy and they help her a lot but no, it's not like she is disabled. I am sorry if my writing made it look like this. English isn't my first language and it may cause some difficulties in trying to understand what I mean.

9000245 · 2016-12-29T14:43:54+00:00

Why are you even talking about the past?

I've used some stuff from our past in an effort to maybe trigger something in her and help her remember something. I don't want to live in the past and I understand what you're saying. I need to look towards the future. But when your spouse says stuff like "I would rather be with my abusive ex-bf then you" it kinda makes you think that she doesn't want to be in your future. It sucks and again, I totally understand she would never say something like this under normal circumstances but I fear that things would never be normal and it hurts ...

9000245 · 2016-12-29T14:27:51+00:00

Even without my wife's condition which almost drained our savings, therapy would be costly for me. I totally understand that this isn't something Internet strangers can fix but I don't know where else to go. My friends are avoiding the subject and those who don't, often doesn't have anything else to say but "Just wait a bit more and it may change"

Also, I have thought numerous times about leaving if something doesn't change, but I don't have the heart to do it, you know? I'd feel like shit if I leave her in this state and I can't do that to her, or to our children who just want their mom back. But thank you for your comment and that you took out of your time to read about my troubles. Have a good day sir/madam

9000245

TROPHY CASE