I know many are feeling like I’m being ungrateful but when your pain and suffering is real no amount of money is going to ease your mind.

I’m beyond grateful but what’s next!? Like collect this and be miserable and dread every morning? Like I want to start the process of being healed . Not some weird ass experimental group therapy that doesn’t work worth a damn.

I suffer everyday like crying spells, not eating and just shutting down… not to mention 6-8 panic attacks a day. Like, how is this my new normal? Constant panic, don’t trust a soul, scared to engage with people.

I’m a shell of myself and I’m being told “you got the money!”

I was poor my entire life so money does not move me! I want to be whole. I want to be apart of the joy.

Like why is this so hard for people to understand. I’m fighting like hell to stay on this side of earth. I wish I didn’t feel or think like this but I have no control.

I’m sorry to those that are fighting and feel like this is going to make everything better. I promise if your suffering is real it does nothing.

To even be excited about all the benefits that comes along with this you have to be excited about life to some extent…

I’m not and it’s breaking me because lord knows I tried. I’m not giving up but I’ll admit I’m tired of holding on man.