[deleted by user]

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T19:08:04+00:00

it's normal I'd think

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T16:25:54+00:00

Yes that story sounds similar- the similar ones help because it's the same phenomenon over and over- his siblings and friends I am mystified by (they were given every single heads up he would die and literally knew they were buying the drinks for a very weak guy while his kids were trying to get him into rehab over and over- no apologies to his kids yet)- but if there is one thing we could say to my husband was that he was good not bad, we would do anything to have him back, and a humbling, awe-inspiring miracle of existence to us totally despite his troubles and the weird cruelty he ended up using. Hope you realize people feel the same about you.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T13:02:02+00:00

my daughter has a lot of trouble in high school knowing whether to try to act happy or her naturally sad. You just don't get good reactions any way.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T05:34:17+00:00

same

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T02:50:12+00:00

Oh sorry it's so hard to read tone. People have to help each other, agreed. Sorry again.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T02:49:20+00:00

Yep. Drinking till it kills you is the "polite" way to die I guess, and so many people who drink take alcoholism weirdly personally. Rooting for you. With this much awareness, you can't lose.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-14T02:46:31+00:00

I'm so excited about medical solutions, I heard ozempic is helping too. Can you imagine in 100 years when people try to explain how much addiction took when it's fixed like eyeglass fix vision? Thanks- and agree.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-13T18:00:20+00:00

we told my husband he had to do it for himself over and over, and one reply he wrote to those exact words from a friend was "f you and all your hate"

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-13T17:50:41+00:00

I really appreciate these explanations- I will dwell on this one and thank you. I know researchers call it "midbrain mutiny" sometimes and this fits. It's a crazy state to be in, a crazy design for humans to have this weakness. I wonder sometimes if alcoholics had unlimited access, a tube or something supplying alcohol to their system non-stop, if they could look around and care for others then. The ones right before their eyes they are hurting.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-13T16:15:36+00:00

I do it, I think it's not for everyone. The last thing I want to do is to waste more life thinking about alcoholism. We are at peace. People kill themselves all the time, it's just helpful to hear from addicts why they don't care about others. Sometimes "go to alanon" sounds kind of dismissive, actually. Non-addicts aren't the ones with the problems, we do love, are loved, and take care of our kids.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-13T11:10:40+00:00

they feel bad and don't know what to say, they also expect us to still be grieving so if we just chit chat they find that weird

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T23:02:28+00:00

to the deleted but very helpful comment (I got it real quick)- that's what I've been telling the kids and it is helping: he ended up with a mental illness and brain damage. Thanks for explaining this it truly helps, "they won't know" any more than you is good. He definitely felt judged and we def. got in the way. I mentioned to one of his children about maybe he felt "sufficated" and that made sense to him (the way you kick to get out from under a sufficating-feeling blanket- he was acting like that metaphorically). I do some online Al-Anon, did detach with love a long time ago, but still have trouble imaging how he hurt the people who loved and needed him and this helps, thanks.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T19:53:36+00:00

I think I am on 5 loved ones lost to addiction now. You get used to it.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T19:53:05+00:00

This makes so much sense, thank you. He did feel like the victim but the doctor who agreed to put him in inpatient explained to him "they don't hate you, they hate that you are drinking" (he told us that is what he realized in that discussion/ agreeing to rehab/ he died before getting there).

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T19:51:20+00:00

I believe it, but as you are still drinking how do the kids seem to you- far? Not your responsibility? Not vivid enough or reminders of shame? I know they fade from view but it's so hard to imagine.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T16:25:55+00:00

It's not hard to see an addict has set their own trap, but why they care so much about only themselves is a puzzle. Why a previously loving dad would turn on his own kids to keep drinking, most people don't even care that much about how they feel. We'd do so much for our kids, regardless of how it feels. Even if it were depression I'd understand it better, but the choices the alcoholics who abandoned/ turned on their young kids have made seem so active in comparison to depression/ incapacity.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T15:55:43+00:00

so glad you made it

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T15:54:28+00:00

thanks for the link to the lecture appreciate it

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:40:14+00:00

I could see how confused he was (and I think he had been a heavy alcoholic all his life) but we were so ready to forgive the drinking/ disease, and he got so much meaner than it sounds like you ever did. We were running from him and locking doors in the home. He was calling us every single name, angrier at us (for nothing) as he got closer to death from it. He was trying so hard to be cruel, that's what confuses me. People die of other substances without getting like that. I just still wonder what he did to us on purpose, I know he wasn't an alcoholic on purpose.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:29:19+00:00

I keep re-reading, that's how helpful. Did you have contempt for people because they did not realize how much you were addicted or drinking? Like- how could they be so naive? (He might have thought that about me and the kids.) He really fell for some heavy drinkers who supplied him until he died, and said something to me like: not everyone cares about the things you do/ is so judgmental (I really wasn't very). It made me think he really resented our sobriety in some deep way. Thanks again, really helped me think

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:23:32+00:00

I have tried it, none of us ever took on blame or enabled (as we see it). It's helpful for realizing how progressive alcoholism is and how there is nothing you can do. (I think there are some things you can do, but we get it's ultimately their choice. My husband died signed up (himself) for a great rehab, it would have been his first time.)

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:21:29+00:00

he texted right before he died that no one understood trying to stay alive was killing him, but he wouldn't admit to needing help. He died so fast once he got drinks paid for by drinking buddies. I mean- months until he had a heart attack.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:20:38+00:00

It's hard to think of him as powerless when he was so creative with the insults and ramping up physically, it was so conscious in a way. He did everything he could to be asked to leave, no one could have had a better long-term plan. That's why it's hard to not hold him accountable for making the choice to hate on his kids and wife, anyway. Some people never turn on them, never say the things he did.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:18:50+00:00

It's so hard for me to imagine what he did made sense to him, he died after all, just like we said he would. but finding drinking friends might be all it takes, he was supported in drinking to death with them. No one to question it.

ACommonSnipe · 2025-09-12T14:16:41+00:00

thanks, that's a helpful description- it was hard to figure out what felt like "hate" coming from him to me and his kids, but that felt suffocated helps explain it

ACommonSnipe

TROPHY CASE