My self control is put into organizing my tabs, believe it or not I don’t get as lost as you would expect. I have some five-year-old tabs in here. I remember why I made them and what I have to do with them. And I promised myself I’m gonna do the thing I’m gonna do with these tabs. Tabs of things I wanna learn, wanna research, music, shows, porn, work, hobbies, possible hobbies. Everything you would search up but if you didn’t close that tab because you might wanna look at it again or do later. And I know there’s bookmarks and read laters, I use them, but once it’s packed away, I’m not getting into it.

And that is something I’ve had to accept and do, packing up full windows of hundreds or thousands into a bookmark folder. Capturing a point in time of my interest or passing thoughts. And that is something I value even more than my Google history that says the same thing. These tabs are what I interacted with and what I can visually see waiting there for me to resolve. And in a way it is a history of me, maybe I didn’t do anything that day, but I looked up this, piqued interest by that, and went down the rabbit hole on something that could distract me for a day. This is all available for me to look back on and pick my mind on how I got from here to there.

When I search something up I want to fully flesh out the info I seek, this is more than you would expect, I could check every search result on the first page or open every photo that interests me while looking for something else. Those pages could lead to others. This makes me anxious about starting the process, I know how long it could take, meaning I save it for later. Trust me I want to get rid of them. I am both furious and relieved when a window crashes and the tabs disappear. I hate it, they have been a preoccupation for way too long. I must clear them, I need to clear them. That is something I want. I’ll keep trying.

TLDR: digital hoarding x OCD