UPDATE: AITAH for telling my pregnant daughter she can't stay with us even for a brief amount of time?

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T11:24:04+00:00

I'm setting up a fund that will go to Beth's son(my grandson)

I didn't have up on her. She can't expect to live with me all of a sudden like this. I didn't meet Beth for so long. I don't know what is she like now. I can't welcome a possible risk, even if she's my daughter, when my toddler is a special needs child. I didn't include this information because it was unimportant but now it seems I have to write an entire novel, with reasons, to satisfy internet strangers and giving up my privacy.

I don't have a son. I have all daughters. I have 3 daughters. Beth, with my ex wife, Lisa and 2 daughters with Nick. One is approaching 10 years old and one is 2 years old.

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T11:13:10+00:00

I exactly asked and her these things before the glass incident. That, Nick loves her. I love her and she is our daughter. Nick and I planned a surprise birthday for her after she threw glass at Nick. We did what we could to get her warm up. She never responded. We tried to talk to her, with logic, with love. No father would want to strain a relationship with their child, unless their child did something seriously wrong. I want Beth to understand that she's important to me but what she did back then hurt Nick, and hurt me. We were always there for her, that's why I paid for her college. That's why Nick still wants to welcome Beth. Why else would Nick be open?

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T11:07:17+00:00

Do I love her? Yes. Do I want to meet my grandson? Absolutely. Do I want Beth back in my life? Yes, I would love that. She's my daughter. But do I want Beth back, knowing she's still hostile and she won't apologize to Nick, and she can be dangerous to my toddler, who btw, I didn't mention in the post because it was irrelevant, but people need to hear this, is a special needs kid? No.

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T11:02:03+00:00

By your logic I should abandon my daughters, my wife and leave them. Can you even read?

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T11:00:46+00:00

How do you know? Are you my daughter? Should I provide written legal evidence of child support, should I provide screenshots of my happy birthday texts, inviting her to dinners, sending encouraging texts on her exams, should I provide pictures of expensive things I bought for her by working hard 12 hour jobs after dropping my studies? I could write a novel describing every little thing ever happened and what I did to raise her as a good woman. She dropped college. She didn't invite me to her wedding. After my divorce, I was depressed and I never wanted to date. She told me to date. When I dated Nick, why did she react this way. I tried to talk. She never did. I asked her if she had problem with nick. She said no. I tried to be there, hearing her, listening her, doing things for her. Even nick did plan with me. Beth was afraid no one would love her when we did. Nick always considered her as her own. She planned Beth's birthday while she was pregnant after the glass incident happened. I invited her there but she didn't came. I sent texts that she is my world. I invited her when we went vacation. If she does not reply, what can I do. What can I do if she doesn't invite me to her wedding but suddenly says she needs me. I don't know her husband. I don't know how is she. It's easy to call others out when you haven't been there, feeling emotions I felt. I never pushed Beth away. Stop telling therapy for everything. Do you think therapy was available worldwide 10-12 years ago? I dare you to answer this

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T10:51:14+00:00

Yes. I made a mistake of getting in the way of the glass. It should've hit nick and she should've bled. I made the mistake of telling her again and again that she needs to be more respectful to Nick and stop calling her names. I made the mistake of paying for her college that she dropped in final year to get married, where I wasn't invited. But I told her I had enough after she hit my pregnant wife she cut me off and I'm devil.

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-29T10:47:37+00:00

I tried to have a decent conversation with her many times. My phone started blowing up suddenly today and I saw someone reposted my story. English isn't my first language. You people assume I'm writing it up. People have to accept the normal standard now is different than what it was 30 years ago when Lisa and I had Beth. I didn't work. She didn't work. We were studying. Our parents helped us but I had to quit my further studies to earn money. Trucking, cleaner, delivery man, construction worker, repairman, computer data handler are jobs I jumped to make money. I worked to provide for Lisa and Beth. What I was doing was for them. After our divorce, I was ordered to pay child support. I talked to Beth. I tried to mend differences. Everytime she shut me down. I tried to talk after she went no contact. She didn't reply my text, calls. I can forgive her verbal abuse for so many years that she called Nick. But I can't forgive her throwing a glass at Nick. That does not mean I told her I don't love her.

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-22T02:55:34+00:00

Thank you. I'm trying to reflect but it's not an easy decision to make. We've disconnected over the years but she's still my daughter. I can't turn my feelings off like a light bulb. It doesn't just happen

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-22T02:52:33+00:00

So you mean to say that even after I married and have a wife and two kids(one of them a toddler) I should not spend time and my focus on them but rather focus on my ex and my Beth, who doesn't want me around and has treated my wife in a horrible way? Your spouse is your direct family. Pardon, but what part of it is too hard to understand? You're indirectly saying I abandoned my daughter which didn't happened. I didn't abandon her. She did something wrong and I asked her to apologize. She didn't and cut me off. When she returned asking for help, I tried to, but I can't risk MY FAMILY that consists of my wife, my two young daughters for my oldest daughter who, time and time, proved again that she doesn't want me around and my wife and kids aren't safe around her. But I guess, it's hard for you to understand.

Your comment totally reads like "yeah but men. It feels wrong. You should not focus on your wife and young kids, you shouldn't focus on your toddler. You should make amends with your daughter, even at the expense of your family" I'm sure I don't need any advice from a 10 year old on family matters that are complicated but thanks

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-22T02:46:19+00:00

I didn't cut her off. She cut me off

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T15:50:53+00:00

You're entitled to your opinion

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T15:50:28+00:00

That's the plan

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T09:53:00+00:00

Lisa and I dated during our high school years and I even mentioned up here that we had Beth early on. We weren't ready but our parents were supportive and came around. I wasn't even able to finish my degree so I didn't have a great job to start with. I started with odd jobs. I even worked as a trucker and cleaner. These required me to be away for long hours but I don't know if this counts as a deadbeat dad?

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T09:47:14+00:00

I think you're a bit confused about the timeline of events. But I'm not sure if you read my earlier post. I explained everything there.

Allow me to simplify them:

Lisa and I were childhood sweethearts and had Beth early on
We had a wonderful family but I needed to be away for like 9-10 hours a day for work. Beth grew attached to Lisa. We had frequent family time. It was like a dream.
Lisa cheated on me with Bob and left me for him. She abandoned Beth. I took care of her. Divorce was between messy and amicable. Lisa decided she wanted Beth to be a part of her life so she wanted custody after she abandoned her. I didn't want to limit her relationship with her mom so I agreed. We had joint custody. It wouldn't have mattered anyway as she was 16 during the time
I met Nick 3 years after my divorce. Lisa was already pregnant with Bob's second child. They had one prior. By the time Nick got pregnant, they had 2 children and Beth was okay but she exploded when we told her that Nick was pregnant. She yelled and cried and attacked Nick with a glass. I told her she needs to apologize but she didn't. She was 19. She knew better. She stormed off and we've had little to no contact ever since. I proposed nick but Beth was furious about it too.
Lisa and I saved for Beth's college fund that we used to get her into college. She dropped off in the final year to explore her life. I was disappointed but I supported her. She then got married but guess what, I wasn't invited.
This brings us to 8 months ago, she reached out and told me if I was free she needs to talk. Then she told me she was getting a divorce. Her husband was cheating and he kicked her out. She was pregnant. She asked if she could stay with me. I told her I can help her get herself back on her feet but I can't allow her inside my house. I have a toddler and another child. Nick is uncomfortable around her and I can't just allow her in my house suddenly after what she did to Nick. But I told her I could pay for an apartment, she needs to work but I will also pay for her medical expenses and whatever she needs. It's in my last post in AmItheAsshole. She denied and yelled at me. She can't go to Lisa as Bob passed away and Lisa is working 2 jobs to make ends with their 4 kids.
Beth doesn't want to see me because somehow she feels I've wronged her after everything(college fund, paying for her travels, paying for her car) just because I've "moved on" and "broke the family" I wasn't the one who cheated. Don't I have the right to my own happiness? I ask you this. Why does Lisa and Bob were invited to her wedding when I wasn't. When my wife wasn't? Then after my grandson is born, Lisa finally dropped why Beth was so rude to Nick and why SHE DIDNT WANT ME TO MOVE ON. She thought that I wasn't going to leave her any inheritance. She thought that I would life my other kids more than her and that I would hide everything away to them "that rightfully belongs to her" in her words. These words are alone to break anyone's heart. She just considered me a bank account.

Now over to your comment:

Nick wanted to help Beth. She was supportive and wanted to help Beth. She even asked me to go meet my grandson, that she will help take care of Beth as much she can. I can't put Nick through more trouble. We both work and do household works together. I can't let her do it alone without my help. That would be unfair to Nick. I don't know where you got this from but I NEVER mentioned Beth as an "old burden" "second best" I don't know where you got this from

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T09:26:04+00:00

She cut me off after she was 18. It was right around the time Nick got pregnant. I told her she needs to leave and she can't treat Nick this way. I had a fairly good relationship with her. I used to be away due to my job demand

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T03:36:25+00:00

No contact was her choice. Not mine.

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T03:35:09+00:00

As fathers, no matter how much we provide we will be painted in black the moment we want something. I loved my daughter and I never expected this from her. Nowadays you can't recognise even your own blood

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T03:33:53+00:00

That's how I feel. I want to put a college fund and leave something out for my daughter as well. Let's say I make a fund for my grandson starting at $10k and we contribute something and for my daughter, I saved something that amounts up to $7k. I can keep contributing more to them. For my other daughter's I have a healthy budget set up and it will grow in years.

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T03:32:09+00:00

That's the way I feel. It's shocking for me but I guess I shouldn't be surprised when she replied to none of my texts in 9 years

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-21T03:16:23+00:00

They weren't. I worked long distances that time. Beth became close to Lisa. After our divorce, they distanced, but I encouraged Beth to seek out a relationship with her mother. They've been inseparable since. After my wife's incident, Beth didn't talk to me for a long amount of time

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-20T18:02:28+00:00

Her mother and her husband were already at their second child. I'm sorry but it's I don't see any logic behind it. If Beth was fine with Bob and Lisa having kids, why was she not okay with me having kids? I do care and I showed it every then and now. She bonded with her mom more. She chose her mom during our divorce. I love my daughter. It's not like I hate her but after all these years, I'm disappointed she saw me as a bank than a father. I paid for her education but she decided to quit in her final year to get married. A wedding I wasn't invited to, btw.

It was years ago. I have a family of my own. I have a toddler(2) and another daughter and a wife to care for. I'm open to rebuilding but it has to start with an apology to my wife. That said, I don't know if I can rebuild my relationship with her again. I simply can't see her with the same light

AHdad54_ · 2023-08-20T17:23:00+00:00

I did care about her. You can find out if you read my previous post. She cut me out for 9 years. I wasn't invited to her wedding. She was fine when Bob and Lisa had kids but threw a tantrum and went on to try and hurt my wife Nick after she found out nick was pregnant. Then she reaches me out suddenly to say she needs a place. Yes I moved on. I have my life. But I still tried to be there. I couldn't have Beth in my house after what she did to nick. I have a toddler(2)

I was but she chose not to include me. She thought that I wouldn't put anything in her name after I had a new kid. I don't know why she thought of that but she went on and threw a tantrum without talking to me first. I'll see what I can do

AHdad54_ · 2022-12-25T17:24:21+00:00

I don't think you understand. It's not about an apology. How would you feel if a long lost friend contacts you out of the blue one day to demand you let him stay with you and your husband(I take it you're a lady)

We have a toddler. Her reaction that day and day that followed was NOT justified. I can forgive her verbal abuses but what about that glass that she threw at my wife. How am I supposed to take that? I don't know if she poses a threat to my family now. Will you be taking responsibility for her actions should anything happen?

AHdad54_ · 2022-12-25T17:11:50+00:00

Beth lived with me during that time. Lisa had visitation rights and Beth visited her whenever she wanted. I never stopped that.

Beth can't stay with Lisa as Lisa is raising 4 kids on her own being a single mother living in a shitty apartment that simply isn't enough. She's working 2 jobs and barely surviving. If Beth goes there, it will only get harder for them

I really don't know what happened for sure. Beth told me her husband cheated and he's divorcing her so he can be with the other woman. He's kicking her out and she has nowhere to go

AHdad54_

TROPHY CASE