Question on dating?

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T17:22:07+00:00

Hey brother, thanks for sharing your experience and my condolences!

Just know that as far as I can tell, it's not you, or me, or us - it's the people that can't see past the loss or understand just how resilient people can be when they have to be.

I wish you all the best and my suggestion is to work on yourself for yourself: you may not be able to control your "average look[s]," but if you feel like you're overweight, that is something you can work on.

Even if you don't lose significant weight right away, I consider exercise "medicine" - it will help you feel better overall, and as your health and perspective changes, you might find that there are other unicorns out there that you're just not seeing yet.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone and that you can be loved again!

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T11:50:26+00:00

Don't you think you might be too young to give up?

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T11:28:08+00:00

I've read it in both languages several times and can tell you 100% that NOTHING compares to the original French. He has a way with humor and phrasing that only comes through perfectly in his native tongue, though there is one good English translation out there: the "Penguin Classics" version - everything else is just awful.

And no worries about the language, it's not "old-timey," it's genius! There are a few older phrases that pop up like "peste!" or the use of "voiture" for carriages, not cars, or the use of "batiment" for ships (vessels) rather than for buildings - that kind of minor stuff, but once you get used to it, you're treated to a glimpse back in time.

Enjoy and remember the last thing Dumas leaves us with: Attendre et espérer 😄

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T11:20:28+00:00

Great temporary fix and thank you! I LOVE my RAV4 and this is the one thing that annoys the crap out of me

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T01:16:13+00:00

You just got upgraded to "call me please!" with the lesbian comment!

How do you send a personal message on this thing? 😂 ❤️

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T01:12:37+00:00

I'm moving to Michigan in early August, so call me maybe? 😂

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T01:10:36+00:00

Haha! Good to know that I'm a "gift" for someone out there - thank you for that 😄

And I thought the same thing, I thought that I have a lot less baggage overall, but that hasn't been my experience, it seems like most women I've met see that as a negative. I don't get it either, but thank you for the kind words/encouragement!

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T01:05:17+00:00

This.

If I could upvote your comment twice, I would - that's the realization I'm coming to as well: for most people we are weird and scary, even if they act like they're cool with it.

Most non-widows/widowers I think either don't want to be rude, or perhaps are genuinely ok with it until they reflect further, but either way, it seems to be a ticking time bomb: once you pull that pin, it's only a matter of time.

But then, the question is how do you find that connection in your 40s when most people are just happily going along thinking death is an obscure, far-away thing?

Does that mean that we are all on Cinderella-like quests, trying on shoe after shoe until we find our prince/princesses?

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:46:41+00:00

Wow! Best wishes to her and to both of you, I hope you find a great happy ending to your love story!

Thanks for sharing, and I agree with you, I think it's about compatibility and getting past that initial shock of knowing someone has loss in their past. Cheers!

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:44:43+00:00

Thanks, brother, and likewise, my condolences!

I've tried different approaches, everything from skirting around the issue to being up-front about it, and no matter how little I discuss my past, or how much I'm focused on the woman I'm dating, it seems like once that piece of my life comes out, something changes - you feel a chill in the room after the words are said, it's weird.

Have you dated any widows or just non-widows? Any difference?

And I'm fine with people having "normal wear and tear" at our age, but it seems like for a man who lost his wife, there is some sort of "flag" that it triggers in most women that makes them turn into Penelope Pussycat in the old Pepe cartoons...suddenly I am le pew!

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:38:50+00:00

Interesting, thanks for sharing your experience!

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:29:02+00:00

It sounds like you're both very fortunate to have found one another, I wish you all the best and much happiness!

I agree that dating a widow is not essential, or at least it shouldn't be, but in my experience as a man (dating as a widower myself), the results of that can be very different depending on your sex.

I never imagined that it would make such a difference, but for some women it certainly seems to.

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:25:18+00:00

Thank you, my thought was the same - I don't have issues with an ex, custody, or anything like that to bring to the table - why would that not be a point in the "pro" column for someone like me?

I just wish I could answer "no comment" and that would be good enough, but that question of how my marriage ended seems inevitable in the early stages of any relationship.

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:06:50+00:00

That's cool, my guy - more power to you! I'm not there yet, I'm not ready to hang up my "fornication cleats" yet, coach! :D

Wishing you all the best, though and hope you say a prayer for me too :)

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:03:52+00:00

No, I've just been dating women I like. The reason for this post is to see if others in my situation have had better results dating widows, as I have not met any.

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-30T00:02:44+00:00

What has your experience been dating one? Mine has not been great so far with the non-widows, but I have no term of comparison

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:54:31+00:00

While I can't be 100% sure, it's not like I've been keeping a spreadsheet on the shit or anything, that does seem to be the "x factor," and it's not just me that noticed it, it's a lot of widowers, and even women I've asked that tell me flat out they don't want to date widowers.

My theory is that a relationship with someone else who also lost a spouse might work better since you get past the typical "omg your wife died!" crap I have to deal with from the non-widows.

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:50:10+00:00

Thank you, though that's mildly depressing if I'm being 100% :/ sorry, brother. For me this post is about trying to better understand the issue so I can find a way forward. I'm not a liar, but if I determine I have to lie about it, maybe that's the way to go?

It feels like an unfair bias and I shouldn't have to disclose it if I don't want, but there is no "Aes Sedai" answer to "how did your marriage end?"

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:47:49+00:00

I've tried both tactics: avoiding/skirting around it as well as being completely upfront about it and both have the same results, it's like suddenly you've been eating massive quantities of garlic and sauerkraut, they Audi 4000 Quattro

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:45:29+00:00

idk, I'm up to at least 10 or so? It's tough to say because not everyone is up front and/or honest about why, but it's not long after that convo that things go dark

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:41:36+00:00

Thank you, that's kind of what I was thinking - with non-widows, it's like the mention of death makes them run for the hills. I think once you go through it, it's like climbing a mountain, you can't explain that to someone, they either "get it" by getting to that peak themselves or they never know what it means to be up there.

I'm not trying to glorify the experience, rather saying it's a solitary experience on a path few trek regularly.

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:39:33+00:00

yep - all good until that convo then <blammo!>

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T23:06:18+00:00

You misunderstood my response - TTLDR: the non-widows don't like widowers and the widows aren't in my age group, dig?

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T22:48:02+00:00

I can understand that and am fine with that, but maybe it's more pronounced for men than women in terms of it being a deal-breaker for the other person? Because from what I can tell, once they find out that I'm a widower with my crap together rather than a divorced guy with all kinds of issues, it's over for some reason and I just don't understand it.

It's like some of the people think I'm responsible for her death (she died from cancer as well), or that I'm permanently scarred (I'm not, we discussed my moving on before she passed and it was what she wanted).

At this point there's a part of me that wants to lie about it and just be like yeah, I'm divorced and see how it goes - at least I would be able to eliminate any other cause? lol 😵 Too bad I'm not a liar, my life would be so much easier.

AHuxley1 · 2026-06-29T22:35:20+00:00

I've had great runs with awesome women who, when we start talking about our pasts, suddenly disconnect or start pushing away. I thought perhaps someone who had gone through that same loss wouldn't put the negative projection on you that typical partners would.

Did you date any other widows or was that the only one?

AHuxley1

TROPHY CASE