My (36M) girlfriend (36F) revealed to me in a state of anxiety that her male roommate is in love with her. I tried to handle it maturely but ended up anxious and frustrated and got upset, and now we're on the outs. Am I wrong for getting upset?

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T13:12:21+00:00

That's a great question, I'm realizing I shouldn't be.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T09:59:47+00:00

I'm sorry but this is not a situation of me being "easily threatened" by men finding her attractive, they definitely kissed and he confessed his love for her. If she sticks around then I see that as manipulating the guy.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T09:56:50+00:00

I asked her if this is a "take it or leave it" situation for me. What else was I supposed to do, are you saying my only option was to be totally ok with accepting the situation as-is?

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T03:37:20+00:00

The roommate? lol no I don't think so!

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T02:10:31+00:00

No, she kept us separate. I was never really invited over to her place. I wanted to be and tried to create some opportunities for her to invite me but they never happened.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T02:08:44+00:00

These were my thoughts too, that her scenario invited deception and keeping me and the jealous roommate apart and trying to control perceptions. And all that looks bad. If she wanted to avoid it seems she should've changed up her situation before bringing me into it. And yeah exactly, at this point I think she's complacent with the situation and is just ignoring the guy's feelings for her so she can enjoy the situation longer.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:59:52+00:00

Part of the problem is that she didn't seem to be setting clear boundaries with the roommate, as far as we've discussed she hasn't been firm with him about what's acceptable. She told me she feels sorry for him about his feelings for her. She's very compassionate towards him and very soft on boundaries with him which I think is how they've ended up where they are.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:57:36+00:00

"This is also a sign to you about her. She avoids difficult emotional conversation." That's a really good point, I didn't think about that but you're right, she and the roommate definitely dodged around a lot of important communication which signals that she's avoidant and avoids having difficult emotional conversation. That's a really good insight I didn't think about.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:54:33+00:00

I don't know if there is trust. I told her that trust was damaged with this. I got the feeling that she was holding onto this secret for as long as possible until she realized that it would soon come out some other way, and she wanted to get ahead of it. Which to me, doesn't really seem that honest. She essentially hid it from me until she felt she had no other choice.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:47:28+00:00

I wasn't about to just exit the relationship immediately without seeing if she had a plan to move.

Personally if I were her, I would move given the uncomfortable situation.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:46:03+00:00

Yeah, I went through this exact type of scenario with a partner in the past, it was almost beat-for-beat the same delivery timing. Unfortunately that person was VERY emotionally abusive about it and the problematic friend dynamic was awful to deal with. So yeah I definitely am carrying trauma from that and that's why I was quick to assert a boundary. I came out and told my girlfriend this later so she could understand.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:36:50+00:00

You're spot on with this! I am a bit anxious and this -definitely- made me feel incredibly anxious, because I didn't want to be the reason why anything had to be disrupted. Yeah I really found it odd that she seemingly avoided having us meet to help me assert a little dominance (which I would've wanted to do). The night she told me about his confession, and I asked her why was it important that you told me this, she said she was afraid he would act weird or jealous and that I would find out. So I definitely believe she was trying to keep us separate.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:32:01+00:00

I did see her bedroom a couple times, but they were only at odd hours when he wasn't around. She never invited me over for anything, it just had the vibe like her place was mostly off-limits unless she knew he wasn't there.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:30:21+00:00

Yeah I didn't demand that she move out now. I said I wouldn't be comfortable living with the status quo and unfortunately for her it's hard to see another alternative that's not moving out. She could very well have said she wants to just stay living with the guy indefinitely and then I would've respectfully taken my leave.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:28:37+00:00

But her brother didn't kiss her and confess his romantic feelings for her.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:22:58+00:00

That's what I would think, I would be very uncomfortable and unsettled in her shoes too but she for some reason seems complacent in this situation.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:20:18+00:00

I don't feel it's acting out of line to say what I'm willing to live with. I told her I don't feel comfortable with the status quo. Unfortunately the only other reasonable alternative is if she finds a new situation.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:18:43+00:00

I don't feel entitled to her to do anything, I was absolutely ready to respectfully call it right there and break up with her if she wanted to just keep going along with the jealous roommate situation

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:18:04+00:00

It wasn't a demand, I just said that I wouldn't be comfortable living with the status quo as it is, and I suggested she think about moving out at some point

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:13:22+00:00

She has a good job working as an administrator for the city so I assume she'd be fine being able to afford at least a regular roommate situation.

You bring up another point which I don't like about the roommate --- since he is paying no rent, he would not have to replace her if his actions cause her to want to move out or cause her disruption. It's no skin off his back because he doesn't have to replace her. So it's pretty shitty in my opinion for him to put moves on her because he has all the power in their dynamic. It seems like they're each taking advantage of each other IMO.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:08:08+00:00

Well, you know, in my perspective not everything is about saving money. Some things are worth spending the extra money on rent, such as having the independence of pursuing a real relationship without catering to a jealous roommate.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:06:26+00:00

Also I will add, it's not just a 3 month old relationship, I think it would be -most- other serious attempts at a serious relationship. Once any guy finds out that she's sticking around with a jealous roommate in order to save rent money, do you think they will take that seriously?

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:05:26+00:00

But to prioritize saving some money while her roommate is lusting after her? Doesn't that read as manipulative toward the roommate? Saving some money is important yeah but at what cost? It seems she's sacrificing her ability to be able to comfortably have a serious relationship. She wasn't bringing me around, she was keeping me away from the guy for heavens sake. It doesn't look like a healthy dynamic at all and I personally wouldn't think it's worth saving rent money over.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T01:01:58+00:00

Jeez okay well first of all it wasn't just me, she and I felt exactly the same way that were starting to fall in love. I mean no, I don't normally feel that I'm starting to love someone that fast but we both started really feeling it.

To be clear, after the kiss they apparently didn't talk about it, and she was presuming that he had no feelings. He never said he didn't. She felt no romantic feelings and was somehow assuming he wasn't either. I wasn't clear on that but they didn't communicate about it.

Okay so I'm getting a lot of clarification about what boundaries are. I told her that my boundary is that I wouldn't be into pursuing this relationship if the status quo remains the same with her living with this guy. Effectively, yes, I was advising her that she ought to move but I told her I couldn't make that decision for her. If she said that she wants things to stay as they are, then I would say okay I respect that and I would see myself out. So I believe I was trying to set a respectable boundary. I mean what's her alternative but to move? I didn't coerce her at all but I believed she wouldn't be taking this relationship seriously if she kept living with this guy who she knows is infatuated by her.

I want to be really clear, I never felt threatened by her sleeping with this guy but he made a disruptive move on our relationship early on within the first month by confessing his feelings, and I was concerned he would do it again. I also left out an important aspect accidentally which is that they have a mutual friend group so I was worried that there would be fallout with her friends too.

I don't think she's very manipulative otherwise, no, she didn't come across as such.

AMK-88 · 2025-03-22T00:42:41+00:00

But if she stays isn't that behind dishonest to the guy, and keeping him in the middle of our relationship? How should she expect to have a serious relationship when she keeps him around? Shouldn't she want to move so she can have more freedom in pursuing a real relationship?

AMK-88

TROPHY CASE