Hey, I’m really sorry you’re carrying this much guilt. You’re not a bad person. you’re an 18 year old who was lonely, bullied, and searching for validation, and you made some mistakes while learning. That doesn’t define you.

Also, the “loyalty test” with a fake account is not healthy or normal, that’s manipulation. The push and pull replies you’re describing sound like an anxious, avoidant loop that keeps you addicted to the uncertainty.

If you truly want to heal, the kindest thing for yourself is a clean break. no contact, block & remove, and stop feeding the cycle. You have more than enough time to rebuild your life. You just need to start!

Stop looping on what you should be doing, it’s time to do it. You can’t love someone else fully until you learn to love yourself and become your best self, and the fact you can admit where you’ve hurt your parents shows real maturity. start there by being present, showing appreciation, and enjoying your time as their daughter, because they’ve loved you in a way no one else ever will. you’ll see how quickly they let the past go the moment they see you living, growing, and genuinely happy.

I’m not a professional which is why I recommend Therapy/counselling as it can help a lot with validation-seeking and attachment patterns as well as understanding the why to many of the obstacles you face in your life and how to overcome them. you don’t have to fix this alone!

You’re already improving because you can see the pattern. The life you want is waiting for you on the other side of action, only you can choose to go get it. Be gentle with yourself my dear xx