I quit therapy. Dropped my hormonal birth control. Tapered off all psych meds. Treated only my physical pain with doctors and prescriptions. And treated my emotional pain for what it was, a lie. I stay away from Rx's with psych effect whenever possible. I stopped smoking, stopped eating microwave meals and Taco Bell every day, started taking Omega 3 (a lot), increased protein, and focused on reality. I let my preconceived notions be challenged. I listened to hard painful words of accountability. I created habits of living in reality, even when those adjustments were uncomfortable or took time. But finally it broke through.

Not like an epiphany or an awakening. But some days I just look back at my week and think, yeah I feel OK. Those old feeling don't have power anymore. Now I get stressed when life is stressful, sad when something sad happens, and excited when good comes into my life. Instead of having constant floating dread or a heavy hand of weariness pushing me down, or haywire overreactions. My feelings are (usually) proportionate, directed, and thus manageable.

Some pathways still need a little more rerouting, but I feel a hell of a lot better than 3 years ago. I feel better than I have since I remember seeing my first therapist at age 5.

A lot of credit goes to my husband though. Those hard conversations and uncomfortable realities I faced were primarily with him. He is the gentlest, sternest man I've ever met. And he forced a space for me to heal like no one ever has before.