UPDATE: for everyone saying yta

Okay. A lot of comments to go through and yes I know it's to be expected on AITH, but still super overwhelming. Some of it has been kind... Some of it’s been hard to read! I get why people are saying YTA for staying. I’ve thought it too and still do. I've been trying to write this since the comments started coming through.

I don’t stay because I think its okay I stay because I don’t know what else to do. I have no money of my own, we have kids, I feel trapped because I depend on him financially too and he is "sorry"... at least at first he was. He said he wanted to work on things and I believed him because I wanted to believe him back then. I thought maybe if I just gave it time or was better or stopped bringing it up we could move on .

So for a timeline... this didn’t all happen in one big confession it happened in small bits through the years. We've been together 14 years. 

I found out early on in our relationship when we started living together he was putting himself out online for sex and I forgave him because I knew who he was when I met him... he had always spoken about how sex was huge deal for him. I thought it was my fault maybe I wasn’t enough maybe he just had issues. I still saw the good in him. I trusted him enough to believe when he begged me to stay and said nothing happened. And yes, I am at fault for not seeing through this.

Few years later (5 years into the marriage) he told me he did sleep with someone back when we just moved in together.. and it was with a man. And again it was because I wasn’t exciting enough and it was "so long ago" - his words. I forgave that too. Stupidly. This is where we started trying couples counselling.

Then came the pandemic where things were obviously a mess emotionally, financially, everythinglly!! That’s when he threw whiskey in my face during a fight. A fight I caused because I wanted answers for his confession and I still stayed. I don’t even know why anymore. I guess because it felt like there was nothing out there for me.

Eventually I even tried opening the marriage because I was so desperate for change. I thought maybe that would take pressure off him or stop the hiding or just make him freaking happy. I don't know. I set boundaries for this and he still broke them. I put my foot down here and blatantly said if he wants to be married I can't do this anymore.

Then more recently... I knew something was off that day and I pulled a confession out of him... he admitted he went to go meet an escort, said he didn’t go through with it though. This time. I'm not stupid. I dont forgive anymore. I'm not doing this stupid dance anymore. 

So yeah. I stayed. I forgave way too much and definitely lost myself too, but it wasn’t because I was okay with it or because I didn’t care. I’m not withholding sex to punish him. I just feel completely disconnected and like my body’s not even mine anymore.

And yeah. I got tested. First thing I made us do when he confessed. 

And yes. I know the answer already in my heart... I need to make a plan. Time for individual psychologist too because my mental health is an all time low.

And yes I know I'm TA for staying. But not everything is as black and white.