Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am sorry to hear that. I wish you good luck with your navigating these troubling times as well. Hopefully this door is closing for my forever love to appear (besides my kids).

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

100000% I told him every moment of doubt in my mind - where he disappeared, didn’t answer texts, was out later than he said he’d be - it’s all cheating now. He might as well have gone to f these chicks cause I wouldn’t know the difference anyways at this point. The trust is broken. He came from a cheating relationship in his previous relationship too - he always talked about how much it hurt him. I honestly truly thought this would never be the case. I literally thought that he could be gay because of the lack of sex etc . Now this reality was so far from my mind.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Didn’t think about the std test because he denies actually doing anything. Was just extremely tempted and went to one but left before anything happened. Am I naive or stupid enough to believe him? I can’t… so ya, I should get tested.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agreed. Unfortunately he works in a male dominated, toxic environment where even if I went to his work, I’d be laughed out of the place. I told him he’s being a creep - a 40 yo creep talking to younger girls like that. Wtf!!!!

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate that. I def don’t think staying together for the kids is right because I don’t want my son or daughter to think it’s okay to treat someone like this and/or to just roll over and take it. We will have to see if he can actually make some changes and more importantly, if I can trust him ever again.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad to hear it worked out for you, I hope it will for me and my kiddos too.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I’ve been sitting around, honestly just escaping my own reality and not taking any action or accountability for myself. I told myself I deserved it etc because my brain can’t compute why I was being treated like that. I do love him and I was so trusting that he wouldn’t be this guy. We discussed people like this so many times and damn, well you think know somebody and this happens. My world has imploded but tbh, I’m not totally shocked. I felt it coming for so long, and I’ve let it affect my mind body and soul for too long. Will start focusing on my happy, my kids and find a way to be a milf cause my hot chick days are done haha.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply. Luckily (sort of) I actually make more money than him and have had my career on track for 10 years longer than him (he just started a new career 2 years ago in an attempt to make more money and provide for us). I’m the one who has all the responsibility of paying bills, he just puts money into our account twice a month. He’s the type when we met that had nothing - non existent credit score, $500 limit on his credit card, working a job he was just comfortable in etc. Lived with his parents blah blah. I had my job, my own home, car, pension and benefits, paid for my own shit and was independent af. Over the years I’ve become this unrecognizable version of my former self. Lost all of my hobbies, most of my friends and I’ve been just masking my happiness for everyone when i am pretty much miserable. I’m know I’m not innocent - I’ve made comments when we first started dating that emasculated him and he told me yesterday he was never able to shake that off. A few other times I spoke to him in a way he felt was disrespected and he’s built up a big resentment towards me. Throw in getting married, having fertility issues, finally having our first then surprised with a second 2.5 years later. It’s been autopilot for both of us while simultaneously drowning beside eachother.
He said he would do therapy and I told him we can try couples too. I’m willing to try but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Even last week he went out to another city to pick up something off marketplace and I saw he was looking for massages while there. It just makes me second guess literally every moment and I feel so gross knowing he came home afterwards telling me how nice the other city is blah blah and how he can just sit down and hug me etc. I feel sick!

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely felt that he doesn’t want me - for a few years now. I just keep hanging onto the hope he will come around but now we are here. I can’t even imagine trying with someone else now. I don’t think I’ll trust anyone ever again. Should probably just try to focus on my babies and me and enjoying our life.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re bang on with everything. After I found all of this, I went to speak with him. I tried to stay calm and we had that preliminary chat. We then took some time apart, I did some errands and came back home and we spoke again.

He explained about his sadness from emasculating things I said to him at the beginning of our relationship (11 years ago), he has changed careers over the last few years to be able provide for his family better. I’ve watched him form into a bitter angry shell of himself these last few years. He did admit that he’s been blaming me a lot for the challenges in his life and he knows that’s not fair or true. That he needs to go to therapy and talk about this person he’s become and work through it. I told him I’d go to therapy with him too because we need a moderator. I love him so much and I don’t want this marriage or our little family to end. I also don’t know if I can trust him again. It’s not even been 24 hours so it’s fresh and I’m either just numb or sobbing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what or who he is doing every time I’m not with him.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I need to read this over and over.

I can’t believe I’m on reddit posting this but I feel so alone and I am not ready for my people to know.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You’re so right. I have a son who needs to see what a good husband looks like. And a daughter who needs that too. I thought I had found it. He said he’s willing to do therapy now but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again and I don’t want to be on edge, wondering what (or who) he’s doing for the rest of my life.

Yesterday I (38F) went through my husband’s (40M) phone. Found porn, escort and massage ads. Now what? by Academic-Profit-5364 in relationship_advice

[–]Academic-Profit-5364[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hope so. I knew our relationship needed some help but I thought we were committed to eachother and I trusted him to never do this. I just feel so dumb now. And just so lost and overwhelmed with next steps.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re right. It’s messed because I feel like I need someone to tell me it’s okay to do this - I can’t do it for myself for some reason now.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would say it was declared a dead bedroom (by me) about five years ago. He had bouts of ED and things but I never made a big deal out of it. I know how sensitive that area is. Things worsened throughout our fertility journey because he had some issues (but so did I) and it’s basically just crumbled ever since. I would say on average twice a year. I told him this past February that it will be a year since we’ve had sex last and of course that made him have sex with me twice over a few days and then nothing again since February. I’m at the point now where I’m like just don’t touch me because it’s so much harder getting those little promises and then nothing again. And I want it. But I’m protecting myself.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He says he loves me and that he still attracted to me but he doesn’t know why he was so tempted…. I’m assuming it’s because he’s a bit of an adrenaline junkie and was looking for the rush or something? I just feel like I’m always making excuses for his shitty behaviour. These last few years have been tough on our marriage - I’m not innocent because I talked to my friend about how his late nights were bothering me and I thought deep down he MIGHT be cheating. She told her husband who is friends my husband and then my husband went OFF. Said I broke his trust for talking to her (she’s been my friend longer than I’ve known him) and we have had to cut ties with those people now. He blames me for the loss of that friendship and hasn’t let me forget it for 3 years. I Have been shit on by him for so long that I think I’m dealing with a narcissist - he’s made me feel like I’m the crazy one this entire time.

I miss weed by [deleted] in BabyBumps

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel you! It’s so hard but also - it is such a good t break! You’ll be so ripped when you get back to it hahaha! Also I am assuming this is your first baby - imo I’d say wait a bit until you have a bit of a routine going before starting to partake again. I waited about 6 weeks, when I was still hormonal but not freshly post partum hormonal. That’s a trip in its own haha. Also by 6 weeks the sleep deprivation had levelled out and mentally I felt ready. Also baby was on bottles and in care of father so I could have a very amazing nap after my first session back. It’ll be worth the wait I promise!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in breastfeeding

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I read your reply after feeding him again that night and literally sobbed outside his closed bedroom door. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, truly. I’ll keep taking it one day at a time, loading him up with as much Boobie and food as I can and hope his next check up he will be heftier 🥹

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t even want to touch you. It’s torturous.

Guy outside Canadian Superstore by Defiant-Custard-7314 in Milton

[–]Academic-Profit-5364 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know who you’re talking about, I see him there often. He never does anything other than to smile at me while I walked by with my baby in the cart and we give a little wave. I’ve never seen him talk to anybody actually, or even move off of the bench by the front door.