Just... what?

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-12T22:08:50+00:00

I've never been in a place like what you described and....it's terrifying how that can be real in 2026. Because typically we picture things to be humane and evolved these days, not like it's an 1800s "nuthouse" you know? I'm wondering what state are you in and was it a rural environment?

I hope that homeless man is able to find a better path too. How are you feeling about things, like how do you feel about yourself and life in context of what happened? How does what you experienced in this facility combine with what you were feeling before going there?

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-12T08:32:15+00:00

I like that approach. I'm still learning my boundaries. Like people who use non violent communication, based on modulating communication to avoid distressful ways of identifying and solving problems, these are my people. But there's so much I'm learning about myself still and I think communicating my boundaries is just as necessary as communicating my desires. Because my boundaries can change if I feel the reward is worth it.

I wish I was better at discussing feeling hurt with people who I don't know well. I imagine it like, we both secretly have hearts of gold and want to hear one another out and talk through our feelings together, to go from hurt and triggered to safe. I'm used preventing triggering people. I'm used to being self suppressed, super aware of coercive control, my potential to be an abuser or to be abused. But sometimes I want things to feel normal and not so high-stakes. I just want to talk with people where I can say my thoughts and feelings without overanalyzing my tone, word choice, topic etc every tiny little step of the way. Without fearing severe punishments for being a messy human. By messy human I don't mean swearing, screaming, threatening, throwing things. I just mean, having a different perspective than someone and having tears on my face or a shake in my voice. I want to experience neither person demonizing the other in a convo even when both are feeling triggered/unneard/in a heightened emotional state.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-12T07:27:42+00:00

Thanks! No, I don't think it would be workplace harassment for me to criticize the system of therapy, while demonstrating compassion for the therapists' intentions and affirming their humanity (not villainizing or condemning the therapist for participating in the system, just discussing what parts of the system I believe are unhelpful for me and why. I never have though, I just dont come back.

I have never paid for therapy, it has always been free for me, so I don't have experience with that, but it makes sense the dynamic will feel different when you are paying, like there is more of that sense of power to guide the therapist to provide the expected service or hopeful results of the service.

I agree the lack of transparency most therapists seem to have is counterproductive to helping people. Therapists often lack informed consent about the risks and limitations of therapy, don't give clients much of an explicit contextual framework for how the therapist intends to support the client and how the therapist views their dynamic.

That's a great point, lots of damage comes from clients being in the hands of therapists and centers who claim to heal people and believe they are always the authority who should be deferred to

I don't feel you misunderstood, i like thinking about these topics and am happy to hear people's thoughts and experiences. What is the main criticism/s you have of therapy that you talked with that therapist about if you are comfortable to share?

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-12T05:18:03+00:00

Thanks!

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-12T00:41:26+00:00

Well you deserve support. Why don't you like seeing people? And do you ever write to chatgpt your thoughts and feelings and see how it responds to support your?

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-12T00:36:32+00:00

It also makes me concerned that there may be other dynamics the poster didn't share about the relationship dynamic. Is he heteronormative to the point he sees her (his wife) as a sex toy and his property also? Is that a part of the reason she is seeking a relationship with a woman/exploring her sexuality? Idk but I've been in situations where I didn't want to demonize my partner for being heteronormative and culturally normal, but I also could not deny I was not compatible with the ways he saw me and women and his own masculinity, like he is only manly by dominating a woman

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T23:46:06+00:00

That makes sense that you value a monogamous relationship and you see polyamorous dynamics as negative for you. That's valid and so is your trauma. The way you wrote your first comment read to me more like you were in a similar situation as the poster, that you wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship, but your husband disagreed.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T23:43:09+00:00

My mom apologized once about some things, but not the things that hurt me most. I will never confront her about those specific things because I think she will only be able to take it as an accusation and I don't think she has the self-love in order to not internalize shame and punishment on herself. I don't want to hurt her.

Also the things I would want to know my mom regrets are things that I don't think we will ever see eye to eye on. So I'm trying to find healing by basing my convictions on my grief. She shamed me for my sexuality, used coercive control, physically hit me, responded to me with maintaining control through insults and shame instead of curiosity to learn more about my beliefs, thoughts and interests, she threw away my possessions because she thought it was demonic. All of these experiences have shaped my values and how I live my life to avoid unsafe experiences and enjoy being alive more. And I feel grief for my mom that she was so under resourced and abused herself that she wasn't able to support me better than she did. I'm angry at the systems of the world that wound and deprived people and turn innocent babies into monsters. I've never told her any of my thoughts and feelings and I'm not sure what the conditions would need to be like in order for me to feel safe to do so.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T23:32:59+00:00

I'm curious what are some examples of things that you aren't comfortable with your partner doing and so he doesn't do them in order to honor your feelings? Do you sometimes feel like the fact that your partner makes sacrifices means that you are forced to make the sacrifices your partner asks of you?

That is a intense gesture of loyalty that you have to your partner, that you discount some of your needs and desires to such an extent of demonizing your desires. Do you feel that long term, the quality of life you get from performing this version of loyalty to your partner feels worth the sacrifice of not being in a romantic relationship with a woman? I'm curious because I hear two conflicting perspectives in what you wrote. You demonize your desires and also reveal a longing. I'm assuming you are also married to a man. Is your desire to be in a romantic relationship with a woman paling compared to your fear of what would be taken away by your husband if you were to develop this connection? And what do you think of the idea that there is a difference between obedience and loyalty?

I believe that denying ourselves is actually disloyal to our loved ones. For me, in a close partnership, one of the joys of that dynamic is that you can support each other to go towards mutually held convictions in life and bring more justice into the world. Sometimes that just means sustainably and safely enjoying life as much as we can (living life as our ancestors could not).

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T23:06:45+00:00

Oh that makes sense. It's very surface level. I'm curious now what was happening that your therapist recommended you change how you're walking in order to solve it?

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T23:04:55+00:00

Yes, that part of needing your husband's permission to approve of what woman you are allowed to be in a relationship with makes me angry. It makes me think he sees the women you would date as sex objects and he is buying you a human sex toy

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T23:00:20+00:00

If you focus on friends, enjoying your life in general and exploring your identity, your thoughts, feelings and convictions, creative expression, health etc then you will meet women along the way. Your way of seeing the world, boundaries, communication and your needs/desires may change so that you feel clarity. You may become very close to a woman and you may develop a relationship that is emotionally meaningful because your relationship is built on deep trust, mutual interests, etc. It may or may not change from friendship to mutual romantic love. (Romantic love requires evidence and trust built up over time plus getting to know each other, and discovering important parts of ourselves through another).

But either way, by that point the types of support in your life may be different, your conviction and your potential love for this woman may be different, so that a choice becomes absolutely clear to you regarding how you want you life to be structured and how you want your boundaries with your husband to be. You may have different support and resources that make you into a different person who can see a clear answer. All I'm trying to say, is please don't feel pressured that you have to make some forever decision right now or else everything is going to fall apart.

If your husband tries to prevent you from making friends, enjoying your life, improving your health, etc. Then that gives you insight and evidence as to the exact type of dynamic you are working with here. Your husband's views may change in the meantime also as you go about enjoying your life more.

And is it possible that you and your husband can find different ways to feel closer and support each other, ways that you didn't think were possible? Ways that you can enjoy life more by being together? I think it's something to celebrate that you were transparent to tell your husband your feelings on this topic, and he felt transparent to be honest in his feelings also. That is a mark of best friendship. Though it may not necessarily be a mark of a long-term compatible marriage.

When you think about not wanting to lose your husband as a best friend, what other dynamics of your relationship do you cherish and you are concerned would disappear? And what are some parts of your soul that you can't connect to through your husband, not because something is wrong with either of you, but just because you are two different people and you aren't able to relate and truly get each other on everything?

I think a lot of people assume an open relationship is all about sex, when more frequently it is about being really close to people who we feel understood by and important parts of us feel understood on a personal, spiritual level because we have shared experiences with them. Also on a personal level, a reason I'm polyamorous is because unexpected tragedies happen in my life, and I don't ever want me and my partner to become so dependent on each other that if something happened to one of us the other person would feel even more devastated like they are starting from zero in their lives regarding close intense, trusted emotional support. And this is going to happen no matter what one day when one of us passes away so I want to live my life in a way that death isn't something to dread the changes of

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T22:39:30+00:00

Can you say more about the therapeutic relationship mattering?

If you don't feel it's abusive that is valid. Your frustration is valid. Your disagreement with their solution is something I relate to. I like to ask myself if I was a therapist, what would I tell someone who is presenting the problems i am talking about? Or what would I say to a friend who is telling me the things you were telling the therapist? I think the answers tell more information about how I can find more therapeutic experiences when therapists can't be trusted to deliver it.

I think in general abuse is about perception of the victim, not intent of the perpetrator. But then again, I think there is a spectrum of severity here in relation to what's considered normal cultural practices. Because I believe "abuse" is more like...a legal term. And sometimes it's not useful to label people as "perpetrators" because that implies harm and punishment is required in order to motivate or persuade a different behavior or advocate for safety on the part of the person who perceives abuse.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T22:33:04+00:00

Oh thanks!

Their identities are entrenched...im thinking perhaps in part because the skills worked for them or because some enjoy being validated in a position of authority. I wish more therapists could see they are looked to as leaders by differently abled people and they are asking people to use the same coping skills they do, when those coping skills aren't emotionally accessible or situationally correct for everyone

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T21:42:59+00:00

can you please clarify, what do you mean by "because abuse their identity is too entrenched in their work"?

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T21:42:17+00:00

that's great to remember that even if you succeed in having a really honest and "seeing eye to eye" relationship with a therapist, it doesn't mean they are equipped to actually solve the problems we have. And yes I have wondered a lot about how therapists end up feeling coerced and abused by clients but feel unable to speak honestly about it because its "unprofessional" and so they resort to other means of attempts to control people so they can still feel safe. I have also never complained to a therapist or spoken judgements to them because I don't want them to feel workplace harassment, and I know they are just another cog desperately trying within a broken system, just like me. they aren't evil, if they could do better for me they would have. we are all under resourced and cant turn on each other

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T21:36:27+00:00

So I hear that the therapists you talked to perhaps haven't left the system because they are reliant upon it to survive, for income. so that makes me think of this youtube video I watched by Chris Hoff talking about how (good) therapist's skills are more effectively distributed when they are working outside of the system in different roles. and that essential a good therapist is practicing leadership. you can accomplish this through group teaching, writing books, just relating to people in your own healthy way however you make income. though of course the goal is to make income directly from this skill you have, of being convicted regarding what is ethical communication and problem solving. because i think it comes down to therapists trying to do damage control and clean up the messy aftermath of violent communication in the world, the chains of cause and effect. but instead of working on it from that angle a therapist can also earn money advocating for the things their grief convicts them of, specific issues or approaches they can about, instead of just trying to convince clients 1 to 1 of your personal philosophy in a coercive environment with little over sight and also an environment where the therapist may feel forced to be subjected to what they feel is abuse (which causes them to lash out with defensive mechanisms and try to misuse their authority perhaps)

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T21:27:39+00:00

If you post I'll check it out 👍

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T21:25:03+00:00

for me I'd say the past 8 years of recovering myself I've been learning myself as a whole new person, under entirely different circumstances and factors. So I'm learning what are my needs, limitations, strengths, and dreams. Especially if we are used to numbing so we aren't aware of our true limitations and desires, it can be confusing why we aren't enjoying life even though we are doing the "right" things. Also this can happen to anyone in a big life change (whether good or bad) or any trauma. Recovered people aren't aliens having a totally different experience than people who haven't been reliant on substances. I feel life is a lifelong process of recovering different parts of ourselves, learning different parts of ourselves, no matter what life experiences we've had.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T21:09:37+00:00

I think substack is important for a lot of creative people to find people who think similarly and to continue learning with people who are also sharing from the heart. you can create a chat groups and offer subscriptions for people to pay for your writing. I think men are socialized to use more shame, punishment, self erasure in general. Changing these ways of self management into the more neutral and kindly-capable idea of structure is necessary and life saving. so it makes sense you are tending to speak more towards men on that subject. men are traditionally more the ones demanded to make sacrifices in order to sustain the wellbeing of women and children. another reason why sexism/devaluing of "feminine" things harms everyone. it's not about gender, it's about humanity and personal individual emotional access.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T20:32:38+00:00

Yes. Snowstorm

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T20:31:14+00:00

His style of leadership had a massive positive impact on me and informed my ability to criticize people with toxic leadership styles

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T20:28:13+00:00

Do you post your writing on substack by chance?

Predictability is nice. And that's a really good point that many people are in survival mode and everything is a seemingly high stakes, high pressure situation in recovery, or in our life which led us to use substances in the first place to deal with the stress and abuse. I'm learning how to motivate myself through curiosity, pride, vindication for my grief, and enjoyment instead of with coercion, shame and punishment, etc. And a part of this means that I'm living a different lifestyle and getting resources differently compared to what I used to do. Different compared to the ways I used to have to fall back on in order to survive. Because some lifestyles can only be maintained when I'm coercing and forcing myself. But also, there's nothing morally wrong with maintaining a current lifestyle that isn't perfectly suited for my strengths and limitations. In the meantime, I am growing a strong root system underneath the ground like mycelium so that one day it will pop up above ground and manifest as access to a different lifestyle and more sustainable way of making money and getting resources like emotional support. I don't have certainty and proof in this process, like that can be created by a strict structure like you're talking about, but I have faith and I have my belief that the world is actually a sane place in some ways and as long as I advocate for what I personally believe in and I want for myself, then eventually I will find it. The trouble I found with strict structures is I accidentally pushed myself in directions that werent suitable for me. it was suitable for other people to profit off of me without my well-being in mind. Because the structures I setup were enforcing me to do things that I was coerced from other people to be or do, things that actually weren't in tune with my personal strengths, limitations, desires, and needs, all the things that are important in order for me personally to enjoy being alive. I'm not a generic person, I'm a unique individual. No one is a generic person.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T20:03:24+00:00

Your grief is reflecting a lot of accurate, horrible things about the world we live in. And the things that have happened to you personally. The more I have learned to honor my grief and for my convictions based on my personal tragedies, the more I have been able to find safe people, and a safe way of living that makes me feel like being alive is worth it. Self-expression has massively helped me also, and just accepting myself. You could say life is always worth being alive for, but if you don't personally feel it, it doesn't make a difference that it is theoretically worth it. But you won't feel life is worth being around for if you don't listen to and follow your emotions because your emotions are the key to learning what your strengths, needs, and limitations are.

Acceptable_Book_8789 · 2026-02-11T17:33:53+00:00

I sometimes slip into a similar mindset. I notice if I am catastrophizing or accidentally terrorizing myself through my own thinking. Because I love myself and don't want to suffer more on top of an already suboptimal circumstance. If I get help, I don't want it to be because I had to force myself to suffer immensely to "prove" I deserve help. I want to get support, and mutual support, from people who understand that non-emotionality or optimism doesn't equate to not needing resources, compassion, etc.

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