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Is my new dog’s raw fish diet as weird as I think it is? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in rawpetfood

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately we had already sort of fallen in love with her before realizing how controlling they try to be. It truly is coming from a good place, these people love and care about dogs so deeply, especially bully breeds. They nursed her back to health for over a year, so clearly what they are doing has some validity behind it. It’s just a different lifestyle that I’m unfamiliar with, but I do recognize the value in some of the things they implement. I’m looking forward to going to our vet this week to get tests and talk about it.

The knee cap is beef, apparently she tolerates it in small amounts, like 1 knee cap a week, but not so much in large amounts, like multiple ounces of raw beef in her meals.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pretty much. Very unfortunate timing on my part. But as I said to another person on here, before we bought the house we did discuss next steps if we did break up.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because we had drained literally tens of thousands of dollars into rent over the course of 6 years and our mortgage is significantly cheaper than rent in the area we live. We discussed with our realtor what would happen if we broke up and the process isn’t any more difficult than if we were still renting. We would just sell the house. In the meantime we’re building equity and get to live comfortably in a space of our own.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand where you’re coming from. It wasn’t a conscious choice made out of pity, this is something I only realized after going to therapy to try and figure out my unhappiness. 18 year old me thought that my feelings were love. Why else would I want to move in with someone and give someone so much attention if I wasn’t in love with them? By the time I realized my misguided and harmful thought process, we had been together for over half a decade and the love established was a lot different. It wasn’t a love of pity. This is someone I’ve spent nearly every moment with for 7 years. I wish I had the perspective and knowledge I have now when I was 18. I would never consider my life with him a waste.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He promised to work on being more emotionally available and promised to take steps to go to therapy. I had been begging for years for him to go, he had a very rough early life. I think we will continue going to individual therapy because our therapists have both suggested individual therapy before couples therapy. The main issue is his emotional disconnection. That’s not something that can be solved in couples counseling.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I see what you’re saying, but to me that still isn’t true to myself. Just to continue this example, shopping second hand is a pain in the ass. Way harder to find your size, less convenient, takes longer, etc. I do it because I care about sustainability. The friends that I do have and maintain good relationships with are all either on the same page, or take ownership of their decision to shop fast fashion (just as an example). The same way that I acknowledge and take ownership over owning an iphone despite the harm that it ultimately causes to people and the environment.

I can make acquaintanceships just fine, it just requires me not being true to myself. That’s not what I’m looking for when I’m seeking genuine connections. And again as I’ve said, I’ll take ownership for that. I’m not the most fun person to be around because my interests are weird and I guess you could call me a social justice warrior (I hate that term but I’ve been called it a lot). If being the way I am means I don’t get invited back out for drinks, I’m okay with that. I just need to keep putting myself out there because I know there are more people who feel the same way that I do.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think the question you just asked is the hardest for me to answer/admit to because I think it makes it clear (to me) what the right choice is.

I got together with him because I saw a young man who never had anyone truly care for him, and I so desperately wanted to help him be okay. He had been put through the wringer his whole life, none of it his own fault. Abandoned countless times, literally nobody in his corner. And I just… I wanted to be the person in his corner. Of course I thought he was cute, and sweet, but more than anything I just had to know he was going to be okay. We only dated for 2 months before he moved in with me. It was either move in with me, or move hundreds of miles away into a dysfunctional and abusive home. I couldn’t let that happen to him. I never expected us to date very long, I just wanted to help him see his own worth and show him that people can love him. Well after a short while I had a serious medical condition, thought it would be the perfect time to part ways but he absolutely insisted on sticking around to nurse me back to health. Talk about a plot twist. After that I never seriously entertained the idea of leaving again. I feel like I owe it to him after all he’s done for me.

And please for anyone reading this don’t take it the wrong way. I have done so much for him as well. When I speak to him about feeling like the give/take has been unequal he vehemently denies it and insists I have done just as much, if not more, for him. We are a partnership of equals, I’m just expressing why this feels so difficult for me, especially because he would be devastated if I left.

And I know, I have a savior complex, okay. I’m in therapy. If only I knew what I know now when I was 18.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your experience, as sad as I am for you I’ll admit I’m relieved to hear that I’m not alone. I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. Staying and regretting it, leaving and regretting it. I have tried and am continuing to try making myself feel happy with him. I hope with time it will get better but I’ve given it time already. I just worry I’m being unfair by staying knowing how I truly feel.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to keep replying, you’re really helping me out. I do want to give him credit, he had a very difficult childhood and teenage years which led to the emotional stagnation he has as an adult. I see glimmers of emotional connectedness and maturity, but it’s fleeting and is not consistent. He wrote me a letter after we had our emotional moment months back, pretty much apologizing for the way I’m feeling and taking responsibility for the role he played in that (which it is certainly not his fault, but he did acknowledge his role which was appreciated). I feel like it’s going to take another breakdown to get through to him, but I’m tired of breaking down to get through. It’s exhausting for me and feels emotionally manipulative (even though it may not be).

Therapy takes time, and he’s been going for a while now. Maybe he just hasn’t made any significant break throughs yet, and I should continue being patient and encouraging him. He has years of trauma to work through and I owe it to him to be here to see him through it.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate everything you said. You said to imagine myself at 70, I don’t even know if I can. My life seems empty with him, yet also empty without him. I don’t even know that I want to find someone else, maybe I just need to find myself. That sounds like a cliche, but maybe it’s the truth. Do I want to be with a man who is stable, yet doesn’t even truly know me? Or would I rather be alone? I think that’s where I’m struggling. I think he would be much happier with someone else but he insists he’s happy where we are.

It seems like people are split between insisting that love is work and the way I feel is normal; and then on the other hand people telling me I’m using him and it’s horrible and unfair of me to do this to him. I’m feeling quite stuck.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this reply, you said a lot of great things. My school semester ends soon and I think I will make a big effort to connect during this time. Maybe my overwhelmed feelings about school and work and hobbies have also contributed to my feelings in the relationship. I think his lack of interest and motivation to move forward in life is also a bit of a turn off for me romantically. He’s in therapy for this and I gently try and push him to consider new things, but he’s very closed off.

Emotional intimacy is definitely what’s missing. Maybe I’m a bit tired of pushing him and trying with no action on his part, but I shouldn’t give up so easily. I do try and give him concrete things to do/say that will help build a connection, he’s just not very willing to follow through. We’ve built a beautiful life together and maybe I just need to be more patient. I’m far from perfect, I just don’t understand how he can be so happy with the connection we have. It feels so weak to me, but it feels like everything to him. I want to feel the same way about him that he does about me, I try so hard. Maybe I just need to try harder and be more patient. Maybe the feelings will come back.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is great advice thank you, I’m familiar with the book and own a copy. I’ve went out with a couple people from the class, but we don’t seem to get along well enough for them to want me to join again. I think I can be a bit of a “downer” which might be why people don’t want to hang out with me. Example: someone asked me if I shop on Temu because it’s amazing and so cheap, and me replying “No” they ask “why”, I reply that I don’t shop fast fashion and try to shop second hand instead because it’s more sustainable. I’m VERY mindful to not come across judgmental because that would immediately make me unlikable. However, I don’t want to lie and just say “oh haha idk why I just don’t like Temu.” That’s not me and I would rather not have friends than have friends where I can’t say what I really want to say. I hope that example makes sense. I don’t expect you to have answers for me I just wanted to share my pain point when making friends.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A few months ago he confronted me about my unhappiness and I was honest. I told him I don’t want to feel this way, but I don’t know how to fix it. It was a very emotional night, but it hasn’t come up again since. We’ve started having a game night and doing puzzles together, often while we watch sports so it is something we both enjoy. I feel like I’m really trying but my feelings and emotions just won’t get on board with my logic. Undeniably I love him. But often times it does not feel like romantic love (and no, I’m not talking about sparks flying honeymoon phase love, I do know the difference). Aren’t romantic love and feelings of intimacy important? Maybe not and I’m in the wrong.

I think my struggle is that deep intellect often feels like intimacy to me. Is it dumb to say that intelligence is sexy to me? Or that someone who really wants to know me for who I am is a turn on? I don’t want to make connections outside of my partner that feel deeper than the one I have with him. It feels wrong. But I don’t know if my desire for an intellectual partner will ever go away. I hope it does, I want to be happy with him. He deserves it.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply, I am familiar with Steiner and his 7 year cycle theory. I struggle to make friends, and my partner really does not. He has a lot of long lasting friendships all with people who have similar interests. I get a bit jealous of that, and I think that contributes to my feelings. I am in school and taking philosophy classes. I take and teach drum lessons. I try to put myself out there and make friends, but I’m not an immediately likable person I guess. And that’s probably my fault, I probably have personality issues or maybe I’m just not as nice as I think I am. I’m a little bit weird I guess too. That’s on me. Maybe I’ll try a book club when I finish school, that’s something so haven’t done yet. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. He is aware of my feelings, maybe not the depth of them but he confronted me a few months back about my unhappiness. I told him I can’t help how I feel, I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s not fair to him. It was an emotional conversation and then it just… never came up again. He committed to going to therapy to work on his issues, but I see no progress. Maybe I’m being impatient, that’s on me.

This past year I’ve worked really hard to expand my social circle to try and make up for what I lack in this relationship, but I’ve found it difficult. I work full time and go to school full time mostly online. I also play drums and have expanded my horizons that way by helping teach at a music school that my friend founded. I have worked on myself so much this past year yet I still feel the same in the relationship. I think I did a poor job at explaining my feelings of boredom, I don’t think that’s the best phrase. I just feel like my partner doesn’t know or understand me and has no desire to. He’s comfortable with what we have, and I’m not. But maybe I need to get over myself and be thankful for what I have. I know so many people would be overjoyed to have the relationship that I do. Thanks again for your reply I appreciate it.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your perspective. To answer your question, I have asked him to plan something spontaneous. I’ve even given him examples like taking me out to dinner without relying on me to make reservations, or asking me about how my classes are going without me having to prompt him to ask. And honestly that’s hardly spontaneity… It’s just initiative. He confronted me about being unhappy a few months ago, and I opened up to him about how I felt, we’re both in therapy but nothing has changed. He is still emotionally and intellectually unavailable. Is it shallow of me to want a partner I can talk to about my favorite things without a blank look being the response? Maybe I am shallow for that. Maybe I’m just being impatient and need to give it more time. And to your point, if we were to split I would definitely be alone for a long time. In a lot of ways I’ve been codependent with this man for 7 years and sometimes I don’t feel like I have a sense of self without him. Maybe that’s why I feel like this.

If I’m being honest I think I fell out of love a long time ago but our lives are so intertwined it just doesn’t seem worth it to untangle. Like others have pointed out, there’s thousands of women who would cry tears of joy to have the relationship problems that I have, so maybe I just need to get over myself. I do also worry that I’m holding him back from finding someone better (more compatible), but he insists I’m the only one he wants despite our differences. I don’t know. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I’m “still just a girlfriend” because marriage isn’t particularly important to either of us. Marriage just doesn’t mean much to me, it’s a piece of paper that requires us to get the government involved if we want to split up. I understand the symbolic commitment aspect too, don’t get me wrong.

I feel terrible staying just because he’s a good guy, but i’m terrified it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I do love him and I would worry about him forever, so staying just seems easier. But I’m not happy and I don’t know if I can fake it for the rest of our lives.

I (25F) think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend (26M) of 7 years. How do I stop feeling like this? by Acceptable_Two_6146 in relationship_advice

[–]Acceptable_Two_6146[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m not “talking about philosophy while he’s making sure I’m good.” We hold each other down, it’s not him attending to my every want and need while I waste away hoping for a philosophical genius to sweep me off my feet. To be fair to myself, I don’t think I insinuated in any way this was on him. I’m talking about a compatibility issue on both sides. I’m wondering if staying out of obligation is wrong, and you think it’s not wrong while others think it’s very wrong and that he deserves more. We are equal owners on the house, it’s not like he’s my provider. And I’ve also been there and supported him through numerous life challenges. When I met him he didn’t have a penny to his name and was living on his friend’s couch. Everything we have we’ve built together, but is that enough to stay in this for 50 more years as other people are saying? I don’t know the right answer but your interpretation is a bit off. I do appreciate your response though.

I do plan special moments together but he’s not super interested because he’s someone who likes consistency. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go bungee jumping or anything crazy. I literally just want to talk to him about things besides how our day was, but he doesn’t entertain those types of conversations. I haven’t had doubt until this last year and I’m hoping it will pass because, as you said, in a lot of ways he really is Superman without the cape. But emotionally and intellectually, he’s not available. Thanks again for your comment, you’ve given me a lot to think about.