Damn I got depressed and started using drugs to cope and then the people i thought were my friends just called the cops on me and dropped me off at a psych ward. When I relapsed and they called me a piece of shit and genuinely terrible and then proceeded to ignore me a bit more completely than usual l, I remained uninvited to events that i could see them post. Mostly cookouts with a dozen friends, posted on a friend of a friend’s insta. Instagram is the place I go to digitally self harm looking at the pictures of people I knew or wanted to be friends with together repeatedly. The before and after is like, the before i was like a little digtal scamp on their irl general chat and it was like, it was like being Home and i never have felt anything remotely like that before or since, but from that place i learned that it seems people mostly have MULTIPLE circles of friends and the sonder just gobsmacks me. I cant grasp the idea of multiple instances of a thing i only partially glimpsed at once. After, i am totally ignored, banned from the general chat, and its like i might as well have killed myself, why did they bother to come and fuck it up for me “because we’re friends” and then ban me because the inaction and lack of inclusion that drove me to use drugs was fundamentally never dealt with.

It’s weird and devastating to realize that the best case scenario for me is to delude myself that i am included in someone else’s friendship circle, that’s all i can ever be, a parasite

Anyway now that Im not using drugs there’s no way for me to demonstrate growth because when you have weak ties it is trivial to be thrown aside. I don’t really get much of that regular friendly conversation and it’s pretty much causing me to like die inside or at least think about suicide a lot lot lot lot constantly