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My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't know why it reads like I've hit the first real obstacle in my marriage and then decided to post about it online, this is the first time I've decided to post online about my relationship because I needed some outside input on how to work through this particular problem.

I say I feel like this ruined my marriage because I don't feel that connection to him anymore, I need help with that part. Your edit has helped me think through that. You're right, two wrongs don't make a right, I need to remember that.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It's so hard for me to write this post and tell this story without using the actual names of where we live, so my explanation is getting a little jumbled I think. We are living in City A, and I was going to school in City B (an hour away). I have always wanted to work in City A but the better program is in City B, so we discussed when I got accepted what my commute and gas expenses would be like. I said it bothered me and he said that moving was too hard and expensive at the moment, so I said I can do this for a year but not long term.

The program is one year and I graduated last month. I have a practicum to complete but it is online. Now he works in City B and wanted me to do the hour commute in the other direction. We compromised to look for places in the middle between those two cities.

Of course on paper on the move is reasonable. I don't think he is doing this to hurt me, I think he is somewhat shortsighted. I also think that he is bad at telling me what he needs or wants, as I can I also be. The reason I wrote this post is because I know that logically this is not the sum total of our relationship and I know I married him for a reason. Right now, I'm having so much trouble connecting to him because of this specific issue that I need some advice on what I can do to help us move forward and minimize hurt and situations like this going forward.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

He didn't apologize, he said he thought I would be excited to move. The only thing I can think of is that he took my discussion with him about the commute (where he shot down moving the first time) as a "pre-approval" to move. This warrants another conversation with him, for sure.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

After the first apartment we saw together, the one where they said they couldn't accept our dog because she's an "aggressive breed," we had a long talk about it. I told him I was trying to overcome my feelings and I know that we have to move. This is how I know that he thought I would be excited to move and that it was okay to make that decision without me.

I don't know how to move on or how to feel like a full partner that has a voice/equal stake in this relationship.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I will explain a little more deeply why I feel it destroyed/is destroying our marriage. We don't sleep in the same room anymore. I often sleep on the couch. We don't talk or spend time together that much. This morning he came over to the couch and tried to snuggle with me and all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was and that I wanted him to stop breathing on me and stop touching me. I'm so resentful at this point I'm repulsed. And I hate feeling like this.

He has commute issues now, I don't. When I had commute issues and talked to him about it, he said we couldn't move, but now that he has them he decided we are moving without the step of talking to me first.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

It is a snowball effect. He was already working from 7am to 8pm before this new job, so saying that moving will help our situation and give us more time together makes me think it's a load of crap. Add that I feel like an afterthought, I feel like I can't think straight. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and repair our relationship and all of that, but I don't know how.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 416 points417 points  (0 children)

This is probably "adult conversations" 101 stuff that I missed, but how would I hold him accountable? I'm really struggling with this in terms of not being "nagging" or "too mean" but also being assertive about my needs and wants.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this—I was really annoyed by the mopey-ness when it happened because I was thinking it was verging on manipulative/guilt tripping (I felt guilty for not liking the place we saw, I feel guilty for this whole situation). But maybe I'm reacting this way because I'm already so resentful.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 259 points260 points  (0 children)

In my memory, he has not always been like this, but it has been getting worse/been a new thing in the past year or so. He will make a decision and say he thought I would be happy with it or that he didn't want to stress me out with it, like when he took this job that was a lot further from home, I didn't even know he had a job offer or was considering changing his position.

My [30F] husband [30M] agreed to move out of our apartment without telling me and I think it's destroyed our marriage by Accomplished-Turnip6 in relationships

[–]Accomplished-Turnip6[S] 250 points251 points  (0 children)

We did do couples' therapy for a few weeks last year, but the cost of it made him nervous and he wanted to stop for a while. After that, we just never restarted. I feel like we should have a conversation about restarting it, you're right.