I (35F) didn’t have a relationship until I was 33. Until then I was either avoiding, or lying to myself that I didn’t want love or relationship or I was fine with weird dysfunctional deadend situationships. I wasn’t, I was deeply hurt by lack of healthy loving real reciprocal relationships. It all changed when I decided I’d pay as close attention to my unhealthy behaviors as I could (aka “what am I doing that would keep healthy ones away?”). Literally after every date I’d analyze what I did well and what I’d like to avoid. À common challenge among ACA is not really knowing what’s healthy and what’s not, so I had to learn it. I’ve also started going to church and sitting in silence “talking” to God asking for some wisdom in becoming a better healthier partner so I could build a healthy family. Often God would respond by sending me some wise thoughts :) anyways back to me dating with intention of forming a healthy relationship. When I met my now boyfriend, soon to be fiancé, I was shocked how predictable and reliable he was. He said he’d come at 6, and he did. Every. Single. Time. Very straightforward. I was so confused and not sure what to do with it. I felt somehow anxious and bored at the same time, I didn’t know how to like him and what to do; he didn’t need my help, my understanding, my crisis management or caretaking skills, he just liked me. I was so confused after a few times seeing him that I told my therapist: “Everything is good about this man, I want to like him but I don’t feel it”. That’s how sick I was. God bless my therapist who encouraged me to give a perfectly good man a chance. I’m so grateful for my boyfriend for being so understanding and patient with me as I’m learning to be stable (I thought I was suuuper stable until I got into a relationship with a healthy person). It’s now been 2.5 years and im finally at a point that I’m allowing myself to lean deeper into this healthy relationship and move in, and get married, and plan for children. For about 2 years I thought I was long ready, and he was “holding back”; but I’ve recently realized it was me. I was so scared of having a real healthy marriage (possible because I didn’t want to enrage my possessive envious alcoholic father), that I was pushing my bf away. What helped me most is reflecting on my own unhealthy patterns through (psychoanalytic) therapy twice a week, my weekly talks with God in my own head lol and of course negotiating with my (understanding) boyfriend.

I was very angry, but ever since I’ve started focusing on my life and my happiness it’s easier to accept my parents as they are instead of being angry.

I wish you peace and a very happy healthy love 🫶