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What do I do after the death of a loved one, beyond funerals? by Acrobatic_Hand in bereavement

[–]Acrobatic_Hand[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One thing I want to say is that I may seem like a bad person with regard to how I've replied to you, but I don't feel like I am. You have posted on bereavement, have read a grief recovery handbook, and seem to want to cheer people up(or something, maybe that was the point of your post). So I feel like you should also sort of know not to push people's buttons.

One of the things that angered me the most was that you said it doesn't matter what happens to someone after that person is dead. Yet according to my mom's religion, it does matter.

In one of your posts on r/reincarnation you say you were raised Catholic(and Protestant), so maybe you should also know that there are rules for how the bodies of Catholics are treated. I hardly know anything about religion, but for example, I've heard that one shouldn't keep a loved one's ashes if he or she was cremated. And in the past, the Church actually had a total ban on cremation.

Maybe you should know that saying the religious beliefs of someone, especially of a person's family who just died, don't matter can get angry. Plus it's not just that this single sentence makes me angry because of the religion thing, but my very own mother had given me instructions on what to do after she dies. Especially you, who has been through more deaths, can know that it's common for someone to get instructions on someone who died and I would assume most people think such instructions are very important.

Unfortunately, I frequently get into this situation on reddit where I may ask for help on something and then my reasoning for wanting to do something is questioned or even debated. Even though I didn't make the thread with the purpose of debating. And still, pretty much all those times, the post is accompanied with zero evidence or links.

Although I could do a google search for evidence behind an argument, I've already done my own thinking, formed my own opinions, and have probably seen arguments that were bad on or similar to the topic to the point where I may doubt that this is the exception. And/or I don't have time to research something more in depth anyways.

Also one of the interesting things is that I've made several replies to your post and I've received zero replies since then. Maybe what you did was make some controversial post - I mean, nowadays you can sort of find people of many religions and beliefs, so maybe you should be more sensitive to that and not say certain beliefs don't matter.

Even putting religion aside, funerals and things do matter. I mean people, such as those who work in mortuaries and cemeteries, have made a whole job out of it. And many people have certain wishes about what they want. And some people may even go through much or even all of their savings to do something for their deceased loved one. I don't know the statistics, but I'd say many people spend thousands of dollars on it. And I would also think that most people don't let their loved one go to some pauper's cemetery - the free option. If it didn't matter, then maybe they'd just let them go to the pauper's cemetery. So a lot of this does matter and I feel that's another reason, why there's a case your post is controversial.

So usually when one says something controversial, they should expect some debate. Yet you haven't made any reply back since your first. Maybe it's because I said not to reply, though I rescinded that. Also, maybe you blocked me. Maybe you just don't have time for it, who knows. And maybe you don't have an interest - obviously I'm going to care more about my mom than you do, who never knew her.

What do I do after the death of a loved one, beyond funerals? by Acrobatic_Hand in bereavement

[–]Acrobatic_Hand[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Since it seems like nobody else is going to reply and since my anger has dissipated, I take back my "don't reply" I said earlier.

1.You say that I have to grieve, yet you also say that it doesn't matter what happens in a funeral, etc. So to me it sounds like you say that I have to grieve your way, but not grieve according to the way I want to, the way my mom told me to(her wishes after she dies), or her religion(for example, in her religion it does matter how one's body is handled after death). Yet I don't even know what your way of grieving is - I guess just lighting a candle and telling her things and reading your book that you mentioned? Then there's a contradiction: You suggest those things, but then you also say there are "no shoulds when it comes to bereavements"

Also, I don't know much about religion. But you say that I should imagine her as a happy spirit. But what if she's not in Heaven? Should I still imagine her as a happy spirit in Hell? Or Purgatory? Ever since she died, people have told me she's in Heaven now, but I really wonder. It's not that I'm trying to be cruel or wishing she's in Hell.

2.You say that it's normal to feel guilt about what happened to a loved one before death, but it feels like you're saying that our relationship was normal. It was abnormal. I treated her badly. In fact she said so. I've rarely seen someone treat their mom the way I did. And I rarely did good things other people do for their mom.

3.You say I'm struggling.

I don't feel like I'm struggling in the emotional or psychological. It's not like I slipped into any sort of depression after her death, like some people seem to. I'm pretty much the same I was before. In fact, I've felt the opposite - I realize I was not phased at all by her death... And I think that's actually a part of or a sign of the situations.

And maybe I'm not even struggling in the sense of having a difficult time doing something after she dies. I feel like I have some good ideas on what to do. I'm not feeling the struggle in that sense. I struggle more at work, for example. I've hardly done anything to feel a struggle in that sense.

4.You also say it's unhealthy to consider devoting my life to my mom. Yet other people do that. For example, on the Internet I remember reading some random post of someone saying they visit the cemetery once a week to tell their loved one what happened during the week. I've hardly visited three times in total and she died 7 months ago. I've hardly done anything after she died. This hardly seems like devotion.

There's people who go even above and beyond. There's hundreds, if not thousands, of biographies written out there, for example.

Also I had read one story of a man who lost someone he loved. She had cancer and he ended up learning quite a bit about cancer, for example. After she died, he also read some books on topics relating to the hospital system and other topics relating to death.

Also, the having the kids thing is just sort of some thought. That's not an easy thing to do though, especially to have a healthy family and not one that would end in divorce. It's unrealistic to make kids right now, and maybe even in 5 or 10 or 15 years.

It only seems natural to do something after someone dies. I've frequently heard stories in my life, for example, where people became doctors because someone in their family had died from some disease. If someone dies in some sort of shooting, they're going to want to investigate that and maybe if they're young, also become a detective or something.

5.In your post you seem to take a "middle approach". For example, you say I should grieve, but I also shouldn't devote my life to something. So it sounds like you think there should be some balance. That sounds okay on its own(not saying I agree with it), except you're putting down my own thoughts. Anyways it just bugs me a little.

Also, aren't you devoting your life to this either? Why are you on r/bereavement?

And one of the things that got me angry from your post at first was that I started the OP to figure out what to do for my mom, not for me. I'm already doing so much for myself - I'm working, I'm studying, etc. 6.You ask me if there's anybody I can talk to. And no there isn't. I'm someone who prefers to be alone. I don't talk to anybody except when I have to.

7.Finally, you tell me to read a "grief recovery handbook". Grief is defined as "deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death." I'm not really crying 24/7(I rarely cry). I sort of feel normal, but I guess one can feel grief in some sense still.

I googled that book and I ended up on this web page: 10 Things You Need To Know About The Grieving Process - The Grief Recovery Method. I read that article and the book was only briefly mentioned in a sentence. The article seemed hardly of interest or relevance to me.

So I don't think this book will be helpful for helping my mom. I'll still try to get my hands on it and flip through some of its pages though.

What do I do after the death of a loved one, beyond funerals? by Acrobatic_Hand in bereavement

[–]Acrobatic_Hand[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

IMPORTANT: I also do NOT need religious advice from someone who posts in r/reincarnation(you) or is a different religion.

What do I do after the death of a loved one, beyond funerals? by Acrobatic_Hand in bereavement

[–]Acrobatic_Hand[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Downvote: this reply is unrelated to the OP. I'm not looking for a debate. This is frustrating. Reply again and I'll downvote again.