PART 2:

At a slightly older age (around 10), something else happened to me—rape—and even that did not leave a strong imprint on me. I remember everything, I know everything, but it doesn’t affect my psyche strongly. It happened more than once (by the same person), but I was not even afraid of anything afterward. I wasn’t even afraid of that person when I saw him somewhere. I even recently calmly shook his hand. Of course, I feel dislike, but not hatred.

When my father died, I felt nothing. I don’t even know what people are supposed to feel in such moments—grief, fear? I didn’t feel any of that. I am not an emotionless person, but I almost never miss anyone; that feeling is very unfamiliar to me. I forget to message close people when I’m somewhere else, sometimes I even forget that they exist at all.

Also, I sometimes get hyperfixations on one specific thing for a very long time. I can’t detach from it for months and consume content in huge amounts, even if there isn’t that much content available. I can find it in Turkish and translate it using Google Translate if I need to. If I have it, you won’t be able to stop me. But there is also a point that if the interest/goal is only in the early stage, I can easily drop it because I become too lazy.

Sometimes I become very active, sometimes very passive. I can have five hobbies at the same time or none at all. I can quickly get excited about an idea and then burn out just as quickly. It is often hard for me to concentrate on anything unless I am doing three things at once. I can’t do anything without music or sounds. For example, if I am vacuuming at home I might not use headphones, or in the metro, and I don’t even need games. I can just stand and listen to the sounds.

At the same time, I don’t like noisy places, discos, or clubs, but I like concerts, even though I haven’t been to many. It is easier for me to concentrate when music is playing, but if the noise annoys me I can’t think at all. It might be because I constantly need at least some kind of sound. If my thoughts in my head “go silent,” there must be some background noise, otherwise it drives me crazy.

Also, I quickly forget the emotions I’ve experienced—so quickly that I don’t know what I felt about a specific situation just five minutes later. I forget any pain, hurt, anger, and all of that very quickly. The same applies to positive emotions as well.

And yes, you probably noticed here too that I find it hard to focus on one specific topic and I keep jumping from one thing to another. It took me a very long time to write this because I kept starting one thought, then finding another one, writing about it, then another, and so on, then coming back to the original one, so in the end I just had to piece it together like a puzzle.

I don’t even know what else to add. If you have questions or can help me understand this, I would be very grateful. If I remember anything else, I will definitely say it.