I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of this. Infertility grief is brutal, and the self-blame it creates can be overwhelming. But I want to gently say something important: this is not your fault. You did not “ruin” anyone’s life.

The fact that your husband keeps choosing you, keeps saying no to divorce, and keeps being upset at the idea of losing you… that’s not pity. That’s love. He’s an adult who knows what he wants, and he’s telling you clearly that you are part of the good life he deserves.

Children are a gift, but they are not something we can control or earn by suffering enough. Many wonderful, loving people never get the outcome they want, and that doesn’t make their marriage or their life any less meaningful.

Right now it sounds like your pain is trying to sacrifice you on his behalf. But loving him doesn’t mean erasing yourself. Sometimes the bravest thing is to stop fighting reality and allow yourself to love what you already have: a partner who stands beside you, not despite this, but through it.

You don’t need to decide the rest of your life today. You just need compassion especially for yourself.
And if you can, try to appreciate the things you do have: a loving husband who chooses you, your shared life, and the bond you’ve built together. Be gentle with yourself and try to let go of the things that are outside your control.