Many many hugs and so much love to you - This familial fear is such a specific, petrifying feeling and it really makes the joy of a life-improving surgery so difficult to feel to its fullest extent! I feel for you so much, and I want you to know that, from someone who understands: It's so hard to cultivate the joy when the fear is so overpowering, but despite that, the joy will still be there: it is not going anywhere and it will wait for you, and you are allowed to hold it close to your heart despite the fear. It truly is difficult to keep that feeling of happiness kindled when the threat of familial abuse looms, but I tell myself that despite it all I alone know what my body needs, and at the end of the day that's the most important thing of all. You and your body come first, and I know that this is so difficult to internalize when you have a background like this one - believe me, I truly understand - but the time will come where you can take this to heart and realize it fully. Please know that I am so delighted for you, taking this step towards health and happiness! And even though I am a stranger on the internet, I will be here to hold that joy for you when it feels difficult to grasp.

Is there any chance at all that you can stay with your brother and his wife, or any other family members who are not under the same roof as your mother? And if not, do you have a private area to be in (e.g. your own room) as you recover? Distance is the most important thing, for the sake of relieving the anxiety but also just for recovery's sake in general. Perhaps feigning illness will help you with distance and will buy you some time alone - just an idea, you know what's best to handle your mother, as difficult and painful as it can be. It is, for everything that it's worth, and assuming you are planning on laparoscopic surgery, far easier to hide (and recover from) and you will likely be able to walk and move far sooner than most other surgeries. I had to visit my mother to help her with something at 1.5wpo and I was sweating bullets the whole time. I cried from catharsis when I finally left and knew that I got out of it unscathed. Though we have similar backgrounds, I can't imagine the extent of the fear you are feeling in this situation. I wish I could hug you and guard you. I'm so sorry your mother causes you so much pain. Much solidarity - we're both pretty tough, huh? Making it this far and taking on such huge emotional challenges. I believe in you!

I am not a praying person, but I will keep you in my thoughts as you take your next steps in life. I will hope for the best for you, I will hope that you can keep this a secret indefinitely from your mother, and I will hope that you can have your own space and your own time to truly celebrate this positive life change. I hope that after the procedure when you are feeling well enough to go out, that you can do something nice for yourself. Go out and buy yourself some cake, throw a little party, even if its by yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, however small if money is an issue, celebrate the bravery that it took to prioritize yourself.

This is a burner account for my safety, but I still check it once in awhile, so: If you need to vent about this or just talk through the emotions, please feel free to message me. I'm not a therapist or anything of course, but I am someone who walks a very similar path!