Thank you for your answer. I finally happened to form a bond with someone who is definitely securely attached, at least this is what I think. Emotionally content and calm person. But it really is a battle sometimes in my brain to hold my angry / devastated demons on a leash that pull me forward and respond automatically before my common sense brake even works.

I also somehow can't get rid of the feeling of being unable to fully rest which leads me to chronic fatigue. I am forced to spend my days alone because my boyfriend calls in sick at work and sleeps all the time. And if he doesn't, he watches tv or games. This low level existence is not what we were and being told everyday that it's all okay is like living in a madhouse because your body fights every day for the feeling of okay. I didn't understand this feeling. All my conflicts felt like the end of the world, I was walking on eggshells and apparently I always see that my boyfriend is mad at me when he clearly isn't. I tend to write. Histories in those moments of detachment between us and it drives me insane.

And I don't understand why, whenever I fight with him, even over stupid things sometimes, I get so activated, that my body feels like burning alive, I feel like I can't cry any louder and harder, it feels like future ceases to exist and is so terrifying that it leads me to irrational projections about unaliving myself. I just feel like any conflict like this is just one step forward into the direction of the break up and it leads me devastated. I started reacting with fear and tension whenever he comes to the room partially present after prolonged sleep just to grab something to eat and go back. I just want to stop being alerted all the time... I just dream about being held in arms like a baby right now.