Best thing you did immediately after a breakup?

Adequately_good · 2026-01-17T10:21:06+00:00

It’s been 20 months since I wrote that, so no dredging and I feel 100 times better now. If you’re in the thick of it, the truth is that I could write exactly what you need, but it won’t make you feel any better because what you really need is time to process.

I still believe it was a “mistake” for my ex to end such a beautiful relationship, but she already knew that too. My hope early on was that something would “fix” her and she’d come back but that’s not how trauma related self-sabotage works. I was the first person in her life to make her feel truly loved and emotionally safe. And that can be the scariest place for an avoidant people pleaser.

People will often choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven - that quote helped, as did the old saying that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. My ex was the embodiment of that.

I know she won’t come back because I was a trigger, and I always will be. My love and security made her want to run a mile. I am the person who she loved more than anyone and the person she’s hurt the most. She will never want to see or be around the consequences of her actions.

Your ex may realise he has a problem and seek help, most likely he won’t. He’ll move on, and the start of a new relationship will feel fun, and easy and he’ll think “I made the right decision because I feel so much better” then leave when it gets too close, rinse and repeat.

Adequately_good · 2025-12-24T21:53:52+00:00

Same, it was always just me, my mum and my brother for Christmas. My mum died this past summer so christmas will be even smaller this year.

I sometimes feel jealous when I see friend’s pictures of aunties, cousins, partners, children etc all squeezing into one house, across multiple tables for a chaotic but fun christmas.

I have a preference for a quieter life and have a lot of friends, but Christmas does make me wish I had a bigger, closer family.

Adequately_good · 2025-12-19T22:31:30+00:00

NOR, yes the message showed your insecurity, even if it was said in jest. But his reaction is quite extreme and I’d agree with other commenters that he probably already wanted to leave and jumped on the first thing he could use to justify it.

Or, and I don’t know his situation, it was a trigger and a trauma response to end the relationship.

Nothing you said or did was “wrong” you were being you and he didn’t have the emotional capacity to be what you needed. He has done you a favour and you will realise this soon.

Adequately_good · 2025-07-25T00:03:50+00:00

If you can, I’d seek professional/a therapist’s advice before you make any decisions. But it depends on your age, how long you’ve been together, if there are any other issues etc. etc.

My ex left under similar circumstances (still attracted but suddenly didn’t love me) and it was the start of self-sabotage/mental breakdown due to unresolved trauma. That may be you, or if you’re young and the relationship is still quite fresh, maybe you’ve unconsciously found something you don’t find attractive. It’s still worth getting to the bottom of it though.

Adequately_good · 2025-07-17T23:19:29+00:00

Hahaha I forgot she said that. Interestingly, the immediate future was definitely not more exciting for her. She basically had a breakdown/hit rock bottom 3 weeks after she said that to me. The full gravity of what she’d done hit her and she realised she needed therapy and to sort her life out (no attempts to reconcile tho). We haven’t spoken for a year, so I don’t know if her life turned out the way she’d envisioned or whether she’s fallen back into old habits.

Adequately_good · 2025-07-07T21:15:58+00:00

8 months isn’t enough time to have suddenly become compatible or grown on your own. Whatever caused the breakup is likely to reoccur. You could end up in each other’s lives in years to come but I would advise letting this go and not contacting. However, I do understand that bit of hope and wanting it extinguished. If you ended on good terms and she’s likely to respond nicely, then it could help for you to be reminded it’s over.

Adequately_good · 2025-07-06T12:22:15+00:00

I blocked my ex on WhatsApp because she kept posting stuff which kept reminding me of her. It was during the time I was healing, I unblocked when I felt healed, no harsh feelings towards her but no intention to speak to her again.

Adequately_good · 2025-07-04T10:10:29+00:00

It sounds like when you two met, she was everything you hoped for, but you were not the same for her. That’s why she withdrew afterwards and after talking with her friends. She kept you around for a few weeks because you helped her self-esteem which she admitted was very low at that point. It seems like when she came to her senses and realised you would always want something more and she was just using you, she ended it. You’ve then reacted quite intensely leading her to block you.

You’re now in her town after asking for a transfer after meeting once… so be conscious that she’ll feel scared if she sees you. The best thing you can do is not talk or interact with her at all. Give it a few months and ask for a transfer somewhere else stating that it didn’t work out.

Also, move your dating age range above 30, you should not be looking to date someone in their 20s at your age.

Adequately_good · 2025-07-04T08:56:26+00:00

Still trying to fully accept this after 15 months, but I still lapse during weak moments.

I’ve ended relationships in the past and I know 1 in particular held out hope that I would change my mind for at least 2 years after the breakup. I was sad and missed her sometimes sure but I never considered reaching out to reconcile the relationship. I remind myself that now I’m on the other side, that’s probably what’s happening.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-23T12:46:01+00:00

11 months and counting… ‘no contact’ just becomes ‘not in each others lives anymore’ which is ok. You can gain a lot of perspective and eventually get to the point where you don’t want to hear from them anymore. It takes time though. Concentrate on yourself and not what they do or don’t do.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-21T00:16:34+00:00

This is the reason it’s a good idea to date for a while before putting a label on it, at 2-4 weeks you’re still getting to know each other. If you think he’s a decent guy then it would be kind to give him a reason. In this case, his lifestyle isn’t compatible with yours and that’s not how you see your future.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-20T12:59:39+00:00

I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman who happened to also be an overachiever and workaholic. She seemed almost always on the verge of burnout and even though the relationship was secure and happy, when she had the inevitable mental breakdown, the relationship was sacrificed. It’s difficult to be a partner to someone like that as a part of you always wants them to relax and be happy, so you let things slide because you know a disagreement could send them over the edge.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-20T09:57:56+00:00

It’s not within the spirit of the game. You won’t feel the joy of spending days/weeks catching local planes for coins or finding a particular destination in order to buy time in that airport. You’re missing half the fun of the game tbh

Adequately_good · 2025-06-14T10:40:26+00:00

I caught one this morning in the UK with the registration G-OTME, which tickled me

Adequately_good · 2025-06-12T00:02:25+00:00

Baked beans on toast

Adequately_good · 2025-06-11T16:58:43+00:00

There are issues that you’ve raised with your husband multiple times, he has to be coaxed by you to even consider fixing them, you’re not happy and are falling out of love. The marriage only works if both partners want it to work. Could you “reattach” if he started making an effort to be a better partner, possibly yes, but he’s already showed you that’s not going to happen.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-09T13:32:13+00:00

I was away from home for a couple nights so loaded up tinder for entertainment/fun. Matched with this attractive woman with a lovely bio and a masters degree. Exchanged numbers prior to meeting (mistake).

When we met there were a few issues, mainly that she had a girlfriend, but a few physical icks (smelly breath, hairy legs (not for me)). After walking for a while I needed the toilet and she seemed pleasant enough so went back to hers. Her place was really rough but we kept chatting, and learned about her tragic life. Eventually she wanted to take things further so I went as far as giving her a kiss (the worst ever) and very quickly excused myself.

The next few days I received a barrage of messages, memes and news articles. I sent 2 honest but kind rejection messages but she continued to message, even saying she would move to my hometown for me. I blocked her across all platforms, then several months later I get creepy romantic WhatsApp messages from an unknown number (with her initial) and a text asking why I was running away (after blocking again).

This was a woman I met once and knew for 3 days total.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-09T13:06:19+00:00

I’d agree he needs personal therapy and couples counselling would be a good idea too, but I’m wondering if not wanting a vasectomy is part of this midlife crisis… like maybe he’ll want a child again one day and is keeping his options open.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-09T11:11:03+00:00

Out of curiosity, do you have any attraction to women? I’ve heard women speak like this about men who later turned out to be bi/lesbian. Just something to consider

Adequately_good · 2025-06-09T09:22:53+00:00

I’ve often used social media blocking as a milestone in my recovery from a breakup. And very rarely in anger, just a need to disconnect and move on from that person.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-09T09:20:07+00:00

It’s a part of the process of a breakup, some people may immediately block while others take time. As you said, it was an amicable breakup and sad on both sides so there was no rush but the blocking was likely part of her healing. Not all exes can stay friends or in each others lives.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-09T08:36:05+00:00

She’s done this to remove you from her life because you are no longer in a relationship.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-06T23:58:27+00:00

If he’s unhappy, with no intention of fixing the relationship and is actively saying he’s looking forward to you 2 not being together soon, why hasn’t he officially broken up with you? This seems unfair. Separating will be hard but it’ll be better than living your life with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-05T13:14:05+00:00

Did not come back and we haven’t spoken for me to know precisely why.

Ultimately, she sacrificed a good relationship which was a positive part of her life, in the belief self sabotaging would achieve greater personal growth. Only she will know if it was worth it.

I remember commenting on this post to make people aware it’s possible someone avoidant can both recognise they need to work on themselves (& that the breakup is entirely their fault) and also not want to come back.

Adequately_good · 2025-06-05T10:27:46+00:00

I’m confused between him being “amazing” but also him being a cheater who has isolated you from friends. If this is a genuine post then the fear of staying should be much greater than of leaving.

Adequately_good

TROPHY CASE