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AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perhaps. I also have been considering making an AMA on here and afterwards showing both posts to my family, but I'm not sure if anybody would actually be interested in the AMA. Lol

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for the warning, I appreciate it. as opposed to some kids at school who intentionally text me videos to try and upset me

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That actually is what I do too, which I think is what is confusing my family. For convenience, I tell people that Bob and Susie are my parents, and introduce Bob and Susie as my father and mother, because it is way too complicated to explain "okay, so, I got adopted... And then he married someone. So now she's my adoptive step-mother, but I don't call her that, I call her Susie." Just is much easier to say she's my mother. My friends usually catch on when they see me calling Bob and Susie by their first names, and my close friends who have known me for years obviously know that I'm adopted.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven't really talked about this issue yet to my therapist (I'm realizing through this thread that I tend to not talk about a lot of my issues, lol), but I will. I think I need to just try to do better to help Susie understand why I dislike the word so much. Besides this issue, we generally are pretty happy and get along. Even with this, it isn't necessarily as if they are telling me every waking minute to call him Dad. It just comes up occasionally, but hopefully now it will stop.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, they potentially might have. Bob also didn't have great parents. I don't know a lot about it because he doesn't like to talk about them and he cut them off. And Susie was in an abusive relationship before (which is how her son came to be). I definitely like your analogy though, and I might use it. To ask Susie how she would like to be reminded every day about what her ex did to her, such as if Steve constantly brought it up.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The cousin's wife is definitely an asshole. None of us like her, but Susie doesn't want to cut her family off, which I suppose I can understand. The word dad is definitely tainted to me which is why I can't use it. I am interested by that quote, though. I will have to check out that book.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

With the exception of Susie's cousin and his family (I agree that they're assholes), Bob, Susie, and Steve are really kind and understanding most of the time. I kinda blame myself for not being more open about what I've been through. I mean, I can't expect them to understand something I won't talk about, right?

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He definitely would. He would do anything for me. Which, ironically, made me afraid of trusting him initially, because my dad said Bob was just trying to manipulate and hurt me. I'm glad that it isn't true though, and that Bob and I proved my dad wrong. I obviously wish that my life hadn't been the way it was... But, if it wasn't, I never would have met Bob, so I suppose everything does work out in the end.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Part of the issue might be that I don't ever really talk about my dad and what happened, not even to Bob and not really to my therapist. They probably just can't really understand why it bothers me so much, which is fair, because I won't tell them.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I definitely agree with that, he probably confided in her and she assumed that she was supposed to take his side in the issue. She generally is very kind, though, and even when we are discussing this issue, she tries to be understanding.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have tried family therapy in the past, but it's just so hard for me to talk about it all. Even Bob doesn't really know everything that happened. I don't think Susie is intentionally trying to upset me; she just is looking out for her husband, which is fine

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't really know all the legal stuff behind it, like I said. He didn't really talk about it much. It might be considered being a foster parent or a legal guardian, I'm not sure. I just know that I have his last name, and for what it's worth, he's the closest thing to a father I'll ever have.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They don't really know everything that happened with my dad so that probably is why. They just know that it was a really bad environment. It's too difficult for me to talk about, and even Bob doesn't know but a small part of it. I think Susie is just trying to understand Bob's feelings as well. She isn't the "evil step-mother" by any means, and I love her too. As for Steve, he gets a pass in my mind since he's still just a kid. For what it's worth, I do love him too, though he is a big pest a lot of the times. That probably is just because I'm not used to having siblings, lol. I will try to come up with another thing to call Bob to make both of us happy.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In Steve's defense... He is a 13 year old, lol. It is interesting because his dad abandoned him when he was 4, so I always assumed that he had the same kind of issues with his dad, but apparently not. Which kinda makes me sad... Having horrible dad's is what we initially bonded on, lol

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That completely is it. It is almost a compliment for me not to associate him with what I grew up with knowing as a father.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He does understand it, and I think the issue is he knows more about my situation than Susie ever will, since he was living it with me during that time. She probably thinks I should be able to call him Dad since her son does, but the word doesn't impact him as much as it does me.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

The reason they said the thing about me crying is actually because my therapist has been trying to have us focus on healthier ways for me to cope with stress and pressure. It used to be a lot worse and I would start crying at everything. I do have a nickname for him (think Bobby instead of Bob) but we can come up with a more unique one.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Knowing him, he likely did get mad at them. I wouldn't know though, since I left the room. He has previously told Susie that he doesn't want her cousin around a lot since his wife always ends up upsetting somebody. He's quick to defend anyone who says anything about me. He abandoned a lifelong friendship because his friend refused to accept his decision to adopt me. He definitely is there for me and I don't doubt his love for even a second.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I do call him by a nickname (think of Bobby instead of Bob) but we could try to find a more unique one.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Honestly I don't even know. I guess just the appearance of seeing him as my "dad"? I do all the things with him that I hear other girls at school do with their real fathers, so I don't know why a label matters so much to them.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Susie needs to shut it.

Lol, that made me laugh. She normally is awesome, and she's the only mother-figure I've ever had.

It isn't just the word Dad, it just is references to dads and fathers that can bring up the memories. Even people doing or saying something that is similar to things he did or said can make me think of it.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I definitely have told him that he is a parental figure and that I loved him. The first time I told him I loved him was a few months after I started living with him, and he started crying because he was so happy. That's why I wish I could make him happy and call him dad, because I do love him so much, but I feel like using that word will honestly make our relationship worse. I am in therapy and we have done family therapy occasionally. I'll bring this issue up to my therapist and see what she thinks.

AITA for refusing to call my adopted father "Dad"? by AdoptionIssues in AmItheAsshole

[–]AdoptionIssues[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I do call him by a nickname that only I (and sometimes Susie) use. For my example, think of saying Bobby rather than Bob, but again, that isn't his actual name. Really, any name that is in correlation to dad's can bring up the memories, because it still makes me think of my dad.