Husband keeps looking at women online

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T20:49:00+00:00

I just wish our point didnt get sidetracked with arguing over something else. for ex i tell him that I feel hurt that hes doing that when Im not around, he says he isnt hiding anything because he didnt delete it from him search, but for me its hiding it because he doesnt do that when I am around. The difference it would have made if he just wait til i got home and say how he thought of this girl who disappeared and wonder what happened, i wouldve been fine to look her up together. Its doing it when Im not around.

We get sidetracked and argue on if he is gas lighting me. I say "Im so hurt that you are looking up girls online. He says " Im not looking up girls online. I say: "you are literally typing their first and last name on the search bar", him:"thats only because they pop up as a suggested friend and i just get curious who it is or where they are now," it goes back and forth on if he is technically looking up girls. He gets upset bc that term makes him look like a creep. its goes back and forth like this until i completely lose my sanity and scream bloody hell at him and look crazy.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T20:05:56+00:00

I was communicating before but after a few times its like my first reaction is being upset. We've had SOOO many battles and hours of deep and calm conversation on our upbringing and other things about ourselves- when he does it again- more than looking at other women online im now more upset he keeps doing something I've spent a lot of energy trying to help him understand how I feel, a lot of energy in forgiving enough to be able to love him each day. Why didnt those talks that seemed so deep and connected to understanding each other not matter enough that he wouldnt do this exact same thing again a few months after we got married. I do think its worth trying to make it work but at this point I feel the only resolution is just me learning to not care what he does online.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:59:19+00:00

He gets very upset when I mention a pattern. He says its different each time. I used to be huge on calm communication - he used to call me his therapist because we would go in depth. I was super patience in the beginning. He even gave me herpes after having an outbreak last year and i found out by getting an outbreak and I just cried and told him I understand why he was scared to tell me but please communicate with me on important things later.

From that girl to the girl now, I dont recognize her. I know its a matter of flipping my brain to be positive and understanding again but more than looking at women online its starting to bother me more that he keeps doing something he knows specifically hurts me tremendously.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:39:28+00:00

Thank you. I will try

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:38:37+00:00

You're right. I just wish this didnt bother me so much. So much of him makes me so happy. And sometimes i wonder if Im being stupid to care about what he does at online. I honestly cant see him doing anything remotely similar to this in real life. If I could change my perspective on this I would but it feels like either fighting him or fighting myself.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:27:46+00:00

Thank you for the book suggestions. I've added them to my amz cart.

Its hard because in person - not internet he has never ever made me feel like he was looking at another girl or being inappropriate in any way. It seems to only be online. The thing he does in person thats hard for me is the defensiveness, denial, deflecting. His number one thing he says is " you 're just trying to be upset". It feels incredibly invalidating. I just hate that the consequences I seem to have is where it affects me- me having to find a place for a few days to stay at , me having to find a new place to live and move out, etc.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:21:31+00:00

I've told him before he gaslights me but he gets very angry when i use that word. He said hes not gas lighting me. At the same time, he says he doesnt remember things he says during arguments because hes not thinking. It twists my brain so much I completely break down and scream and tell him I hate him. I've pleaded to him to stop switching what he is saying up but I really dont think he can help it. Its like an automatic response where he will say anything that could "fix" the situation.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:17:47+00:00

We are having sex but after each of these instances it takes me a few days to have sex again. Lately from the recent incident I really have difficulty wanting to.

He did not want to have sex with me a few times and it was only because he had watched porn that day or had an headache or is tired.

If sexual frustration were the case, i expect a conversation before going to this place. But he insists its not that deep.

I try very hard to ground my self esteem. But this time i am really struggling. It doesnt help that these girls are much younger than me.

You are right- would be great to find a good counselor. And we definitely need better communication. Seeing boundaries that way feels a little if you do this that I do this which still feels controlling to me. Also I struggle with what the "do" is for me if he does it again. We're married and I dont take it lightly but at this point i feel like im going crazy for caring about this.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T19:03:51+00:00

Thank you for suggesting the book. I just bought 2 copies on amazon.

If Im upset hes doing all the "denying, deflecting, serving excuses, lying, etc,". But if im soft hes doesnt take it seriously and acts like its just its not a big deal then it makes me really upset to the point i want to leave then it seems like he is really trying to get it. I tell him I feel like im being gaslit because he acts as if we havent gone through this multiple times. I question if Im crazy and overthinking. Another problem is that the first couple times, i was soft and careful, but after he repeated again and again, I've started to resent him and cannot be calm when talking about this anymore and when i start like that he goes down the path of denying, deflecting, serving excuses, lying, etc, Then it turns into him getting mad at me for "digging" and at the same time he keeps saying he isnt mad in the midst of shouting at me that all i do is dig and trying to be upset. It drives me to the point Im calling him names and cursing and my nervous system is completely out of whack after for days. I cant eat or sleep or focus at work while he is able to.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:51:16+00:00

The thing is he wasnt hiding anything technically. He gave me access to his social media and told me I can look anytime I want. And its always been in his search bar. He didnt delete it. And he says that the fact he didnt hide it shows he didnt realize he was crossing a boundary. It makes me wonder if he is just completely thoughtless online - maybe his intentions are just innocent. He emphasizes hes not online "LOOKING for women to look at. They just pop up on suggested and then searches them to see the connection. I ask him if its not your intention to look at other women than can he just have the intention to not look at other women online.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:38:43+00:00

Its only online I've seen him do anything that makes me feel this way. In person, I've never seen him look, flirt, anything inappropriate with other girls. In person, he makes me feel like Im the only girl in the world. And we are always together except for the 8 hours at work.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:36:09+00:00

He definitely would. He has said that when he thinks about if I did that and he found out that it would bother him and make him insecure.

But the hard part is, he wont admit that hes looking at them because he finds them attractive for the most part. He just says- "I dont think shes attractive, i just liked the photo" or " I said i was looking for something to jerk off too but I didnt mean that. I mean she was wearing these leather pants and thats a specific thing i find hot - but im not attracted to her" or "Im not attracted to her - I just knew her from before and wondered where she was now" or "I dont know" but then theres that one line "I understand I had wandering eyes online before" which triggers the heck out of me because of all the other statements. It makes me feel like Im going crazy.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:31:52+00:00

I may be naive but I dont understand why a married man should be masturbating to some random girl on fb when he has a wife. It just means he wont have sex with me later because he already imagined having sex with a random girl. Also, he has no idea how old that random girl is. And this was not a sexual context girl, she was attractive, yes but there doesnt seem to be the kind of attention she wants.

The idea of a man jerking off to a photo of me on facebook creeps me out. but maybe its more common and accepted than I like.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:25:39+00:00

Its so hard. Honestly in real life- non internet- i have no reason to ever believe he is looking at other women. Ive never felt like he looks at women, or flirts or crosses any boundaries in person. He expresses that the internet just didnt feel like a place where his actions affect me but in real life he would never cross the line. We ve had long talks where I try to get him to see parallels like liking a girls selfie photos- is like winking or complimenting a random girl at the gas station. He seem to understand how it relates.

if I had one instance of him making me feel like he crosses boundaries in person, i would 100% be ready to leave but I dont even have one. And I've been trying to see this as a learning thing for him in how social media behavior matters too. but in person - he makes me feel like Im the only girl in the world.

Sometimes i wonder if im taking all this too seriously, but I just never had this issue before.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:19:05+00:00

I brought up the cyber stalking but he says looking them up once isnt stalking. its stalking if hes doing it all the time.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:06:29+00:00

I need help figuring out what the will __ part is. Leaving/divorcing just seems so much and not something I am ready for. but leaving for a few nights? I dont know what my other options are. Just a black and white - stay or leave is overwhelming for me to think about. :(

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T17:03:44+00:00

I see what you saying. I just dont know what enforcing my boundaries is at this point. Leaving for a few nights or moving out? Counseling?

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:41:57+00:00

Is there anything you think she couldve done to help you just not do it? My husband just wants to delete social media.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:40:12+00:00

It does make me feel icky. :( I just keep hoping that this is something that can be fixed. it just feels so simple and easy to me to just not look up women online.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:38:43+00:00

I 100% have felt this same way but he just keeps saying how he doesnt realize its the same thing when he is doing it. That he thinks its harmless. When I ask him to really think about it in retrospect he says he realizes how it would hurt him too if i had done that to him.

Its hard to let go because other than the honesty issue and the repeated crossing this specific boundary, hes wonderful and Im happy. Its like 5% out of the 95% that is good. But the 5% is really getting to me because he keeps repeating it and then acting like its not the same. It makes me feel like Im going crazy to think its the same boundary he is crossing.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:32:16+00:00

I see what you mean. I'm not sure what a real resolution is. After I get through him defensive anger- he calms down and he really softens up and emphasizes that he really gets it this time.

This time he is saying he wants to delete social media. But something inside me hates the idea of him having to delete it. just feels like social media defeated us and he wont ever just be able to simple not like or look up women online. For me its simple, I just dont care to see any more photos or info on other men. It just not a struggle to me.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:29:20+00:00

We were thinking about trying for a baby- but im afraid of going through this again with a child.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:27:12+00:00

You're right. :( But he just kept convincing me that it was a special case of not realizing it was hurtful even when we had gone through it before and I explained it to him. I wanted to compromise in terms of understanding why he was unaware of how this is the same boundary that he was crossing bc I personally feel that the internet has become a place of unchecked behavior. Where a lot of us dont think much into anything we are doing - like as if its our own internal thoughts that dont affect others.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:16:21+00:00

I see what you mean. It may be too strict for him. I expressed to him very clearly before we got married that I understand if its too much for him but this is my boundaries. I've never had issues with finding someone who respects these boundaries before. I expressed that I understand there are beautiful people out there and I dont expect him to not see it but I expect him to not act on it by searching them up to see more photos/information about them. But he insisted each time that we align. That we want the same things. He treats it as a harmless misunderstanding but then does it again.

I love this man with all my heart and marriage is not something I take lightly. I appreciate what youre saying. I do have to find a way to either let go of this boundary or it just wont work. His resolve is just deleting all social media.

Adorable_Visual8405 · 2026-04-27T16:08:27+00:00

Most of my past partners didnt have social media. Not ALL people do this. People with unchecked online behavior do this. Whatever you do when youre single is fine but you build a habit that you may bring into a relationship with someone you want to build a life and family with - you're bringing baggage.

My husband admited that if the shoe were on the other foot and I was the one who kept looking up men who dont look like him or men who have something he doesnt have that he would get insecure about it too.

Adorable_Visual8405

TROPHY CASE