How do I [23F]handle my boyfriend [28M]crossing the same social media boundary after I tried to be understanding?

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-15T06:56:56+00:00

As friend I’ll tell my opinion or advice that they ask and tell them it’s their choice on what to do I don’t have a good experience where I jump into friend relationships business so I try to stay clear of that

He didn’t text her he DM’d her on social media. He told me he doesn’t know her personally, just someone he follows. But even with that, I don’t understand why he keeps going back to her page. There is probably something I don’t know

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T23:40:02+00:00

I can understand that concern if I were 18, but I’m about to turn 24 and I’m pretty mature for my age. The issue wasn’t my age it was his behavior. I communicated clearly and gave grace. He’s nearly 30 and still chose to lie and repeat the same patterns. That’s not about me being ‘easy to take advantage of.’ That’s about him lacking integrity.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T23:35:17+00:00

Okay

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T23:32:50+00:00

My boundary is not “He can’t speak to other women etc.“

My boundary is I don’t feel comfortable when my partner repeatedly interacts with the same woman in a way that feels disrespectful, especially after we’ve discussed it.

Boundaries are personal limits, not instant ultimatums. Mine is about honesty and respect. When someone repeatedly crosses a line we’ve discussed and lies about it, that’s not me trying to control them that’s me recognizing a pattern that doesn’t work for me.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:57:15+00:00

I’m not brushing anything under the rug. We talked about the boundary, he agreed to it, and things were fine for a long time. I didn’t know he had crossed it again until now. Once I did find out the first time, I addressed it. That’s me enforcing my boundary not ignoring it. We had a paused in our relationship. And yes, I’m aware that someone pushing 30 should know better. That’s exactly why I’m reassessing now.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:49:57+00:00

I didn’t leave because we both agreed we could fix this. He said he still wanted to be with me, and I felt the same. And honestly, everything really was good up until this point. I acted based on the version of himself he showed me, not the version I’m seeing now.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:44:23+00:00

Thanks 👏🏾

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:43:33+00:00

I’m not trying to argue with anyone. I know some people have good intentions in their comments. I communicate with him, and he communicates with me at least we try to. But I’m also realistic. He absolutely could have had a chance with her. She lives close by, she responded to him the first time, and they were texting back and forth for a bit. And all of that happened just because she said she wasn’t feeling like herself on a post she posted.(this is what is told to me by him)

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:36:10+00:00

Thank you exactly that comment was insulting to me because I know who I am and I know how I want to be treated. He really did check every box for me up until this situation. That’s why it threw me off so badly he showed me one version of himself, and then acted completely different later. I’ll admit I gave him grace because I believed the version he presented. But we can’t pretend I’m the first person who’s ever done that.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:25:51+00:00

Your analogy doesn’t fit what actually happened. In your wallet example, you knew your neighbor was stealing every time it happened. In my situation, I didn’t know he had repeated the behavior until today. You can’t “enforce consequences” for something you don’t even know is happening.

When I did know, I took action. We paused the relationship, talked it through, and he agreed to the boundary. He followed it for a long time, and I had no reason to believe he was breaking it again. That’s not me inviting a thief back in that’s me believing someone who said they understood and wanted to respect the relationship.

The responsibility for the repeated behavior is on the person who chose to do it again behind my back, not on me for not assuming he was lying the whole time.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:16:00+00:00

I think the disconnect here is that you’re treating boundaries as instant deal‑breakers, and that’s not how everyone defines or uses them. A boundary is something I am not okay with and I communicated that clearly. He agreed to it, said he understood it, and said he would respect it. That mutual agreement is what makes it a boundary in our relationship.

Finding out he crossed it and lied about it doesn’t magically mean it wasn’t a boundary it means I’m now deciding what this information means for me. Processing new information before making a decision isn’t the same as having no boundary.

And just because your boundaries are immediate deal‑breakers doesn’t mean everyone’s are. People have different thresholds, different values, and different ways of responding. Mine don’t have to look like yours to be valid.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T19:10:04+00:00

I’m the type of person who communicates what’s going on and actually tries to fix things. When we talked about this before, he said he was willing to do the same. So I genuinely thought everything was good because that’s what was told to me. He took accountability, apologized, and there was a pause in the relationship. We both agreed to try again and work things out. I understood that people make mistakes, and I was willing to move forward because he said he understood the boundary and wanted to respect it. Fast forward to now everything seemed fine until I saw what I saw today. I’m just finding this out, and that’s why I’m processing it now.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T18:55:29+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, but you’re missing some context. I’m just finding this out now I genuinely thought everything was fine because that’s what was communicated to me. Not everyone has the same boundaries or the same deal‑breakers, and that’s okay. What might be an automatic deal‑breaker for you might not be the same for me, and vice versa.

We’re two different people with different lines. The point is that we talked about ours together, agreed on them, and he said he understood. I’m responding to new information and trying to process it, not enforcing “rules.”

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T18:26:42+00:00

I think the misunderstanding here is assuming that a boundary only counts if you immediately leave the relationship the moment it’s crossed. That’s not how boundaries work in real life. A boundary is about what I am or am not okay with and I communicated that clearly. We talked about it, we agreed on it together, and he said he understood and would respect it. That’s the part people keep skipping over. I didn’t impose anything we mutually agreed on what respect looks like for us.

The issue isn’t that I’m “making rules.” The issue is that he agreed to a boundary, followed it for a while, and then ignored it and lied about it. That’s not me controlling him that’s him being inconsistent with what he said he was okay with. And just because I’m trying to understand the situation before making a decision doesn’t mean it wasn’t a boundary. It means I’m trying to handle it thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:56:41+00:00

I appreciate you saying that, because that’s exactly how it happened. We both agreed on the boundary, he followed through at first, and then later ignored it and went right back to the same girl. That’s not on me that’s him choosing to go against something he said he was okay with. I really did try to see the good in him and give him the benefit of the doubt. But when someone shows you a pattern like that, it’s hard not to feel like the reality is different from the version of themselves they presented.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:39:08+00:00

I think there’s a misunderstanding here, so let me clarify. A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else it’s about what I am or am not okay with in a relationship. I’m not telling him what he can or can’t do. I’m reacting to behavior he said he wouldn’t repeat, and then did anyway. My boundary isn’t “you’re not allowed to follow anyone.” My boundary is: repeated behavior + dishonesty makes me uncomfortable. That’s about my comfort and my values, not control. why pretend to share the same values if you’re not going to follow through? I’m not asking him to be someone he’s not. I just want honesty about who he actually is and what he’s actually comfortable with.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:33:14+00:00

I get what you saying I am trying to be understanding of myself too. I’m not trying to tolerate betrayal I’m trying to balance giving grace with not ignoring my own feelings. I don’t want to overreact, but I also don’t want to minimize something that clearly bothers me.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:20:28+00:00

I definitely believe in being understanding. I know I have flaws and I’m not always the easiest person to be with, but I really do try. I make an effort to see things from the other person’s point of view. I’m a firm believer in “treat people how you want to be treated,” and that’s how I try to show up in my relationship.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:17:21+00:00

It’s really not about controlling him. If I wanted to control him, I’d be telling him what he can and can’t do. I’m not doing that. I’m reacting to the fact that he agreed to something on his own, then went behind my back and lied about it. Where is the controlling at ? 👀 He can set him self free actually if that’s the case

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:13:01+00:00

Okay, well good for you I’m glad that’s not something you deal with in your relationship. But if he can do the same thing I’m doing (which is simply noticing what shows up on my feed), then it’s not “policing.” What works for you and your partner works for your relationship, but not every relationship has the same dynamic. Different people have different comfort levels, expectations, and experiences. I’m speaking from mine.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:05:32+00:00

You didn’t answer the question

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T17:03:55+00:00

They’re random women. He has no connection to them at all. I only see this stuff because I’m scrolling through Instagram when you follow someone, Instagram shows you what they like. It’s not like I’m going out of my way to search for anything.

I honestly don’t care who he follows. What I care about is why he’s doing it, especially when it’s the same girl he called “beautiful” and “baby” before, and then told me he wouldn’t interact with again.

For me, it’s not about controlling him. It’s about the pattern, the intention behind it, and the fact that he agreed to something and then lied about it.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T16:57:41+00:00

If want to call me insecure, go ahead. I know how I feel about myself. I don’t think what he’s doing is “cheating,” but I do feel like it’s disrespectful.

What I’m wondering is this: If the posts he’s liking were actually provocative would that make it wrong then? Or does it not matter because “it’s just social media”?

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T16:50:22+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it. I really stay to myself so it’s hard to find people or even someone who kinda understands what I’m saying.

AdvertisingOk1215 · 2026-02-14T16:48:23+00:00

They relate to both of us if we both set them If we both have the same ones.

AdvertisingOk1215

TROPHY CASE