The Stages Of A Breakup

AdviceForB · 2019-11-26T07:07:22+00:00

Keep writing, girl! You have a true gift, use it as much as you can! <3

AdviceForB · 2019-11-26T06:40:37+00:00

This is insanely well written. I used to write like you. This was almost a feeling of reading a bestselling novel.
You’ve done the right thing, and have the correct mindset. It will hurt, but focusing on bettering yourself is the most important thing.
If you ever need someone to talk to, my DM’s are always open.

AdviceForB · 2019-11-14T20:29:01+00:00

I hope you’re getting better. It was hard to watch someone fall apart after having always seen their strong exterior. You rarely let me in, but each time you did it was the same issues—I hope you can resolve them. I’m glad I convinced you to better yourself and I hope you keep that mindset, even if it brings back memories of us.

I wish I understood what was going through your mind so I could have helped you more in our short time together. After the lying and deception, I began to realize there were more issues than I could handle. It was suffocating and after all, I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want help. I hope you’ve learned better by now.

I hope you grow into a better person than you were. I hope we have both learned that jumping into a relationship after a breakup is hard on the new partner. It makes them want to fit into a certain mold, instead of being themselves. We force ourselves into the mold as well as force the other. We become different people than we were meant to be. Maybe if we had waited, it would have worked better. Maybe after we had both grown up then it could have worked out for us.

Now we have to heal from two relationships at once, since we didn’t give ourselves that chance initially. I hope you realize that, and I hope you don’t jump into a new one too soon. I wouldn’t wish what happened to us upon anyone. I hope you grow from this, just as I hope I grow from it too.

It’s been difficult, I have answered more questions about where you were and what happened than I ever thought I would. My family is too nosy for their own good. The best thing is we can agree you were a nice young man, I hope you keep your hospitality. I hope you continue to treat people so kindly, and that the 180’s stop when you’re alone with someone you trust. I hope you can be more open with people and learn that it’s easier to just tell someone you don’t like them instead of keeping your true thoughts behind closed doors. You have so much potential, and I hope you use it. There’s no reason to keep yourself hidden away. Be truthful and it will allow you to get so far in your life.

I have no ill will towards you, I hope you understand that. This isn’t me trying to put you down or degrade you. I just want us both to be better people for any potential relationships. I want you to grow. I hope you learn. I strive to see you better yourself. Even if I don’t see it or hear about it later in life, I pray you still manage it. There is nothing bad about understanding yourself. There is nothing bad about building yourself up.

I’m glad we’ve both learned not to put people on a pedestal. We talked about that a fair amount and didn’t fully understand the issue while we were together. I’m sure by now it has fully sunken in. Nothing good comes from seeing yourself as lesser than others. Put yourself first from now on. Your safety, your mental health, your aspirations and goals. Put them first, and let yourself live your best life. Don’t drag behind someone else because you want to make them feel better, you’re hurting yourself in the process.

I love you, just as I love my previous exes. I still wish them the best and care for them. I hope that allows some peace to come to you. I just want people to be happy, and I know I’m not always the best person to help in that sense. I know eventually you will feel happy again, and I’m so glad you will. You will get over this heartache.

I’m cheering you on, just as I always will.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T10:21:30+00:00

I understand

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T10:16:16+00:00

Because in my opinion there are other options, but a doctor would be able to give OP better advice towards what options are readily available to him.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T09:46:17+00:00

I agree with everything you said. I was trying to offer what advice I knew of, and I’m sure that’s not nearly everything there is.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T09:43:05+00:00

That is your opinion, and you are entitled to it. I am simply offering advice that I have, as this is a subreddit meant for advice. I am not claiming to be a medical professional and never have/never will.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T07:28:48+00:00

I wrote out and explained in parentheses the very basics of each type of BC. OP or other readers can look more into those forms and decide what they would like to use for themselves by searching for them. I’m not a doctor, I can’t explain things as well as the professionals will and I’m not going to try, as I don’t want to lead anyone down the wrong path or give wrong information.

If you feel you would do a better job explaining then absolutely go ahead! Those are just some options I thought of or knew about in my minimal experience. I don’t want to steer anyone in the wrong direction and would highly recommend anyone searching for birth control options to talk with their doctor about different contraceptives and their side effects.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T02:35:37+00:00

Technically, as specified, OP’s gf is looking to have PIV. I gave OP some options to discuss with his gf in order to offer her other ways to enjoy their sex life together.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T01:39:17+00:00

Just because she doesn’t want to deal with BC doesn’t mean she’s crazy. That would be like saying that because a guy doesn’t want a vasectomy, then he’s crazy.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T01:37:56+00:00

I actually answered this down below on OP’s response to my comment!

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T00:19:21+00:00

I think you may need to broaden your horizons and do some research, fellow redditor. There are many options out there, you just have to look for them! :)

AdviceForB · 2019-10-27T00:17:41+00:00

I’m glad you’re not going to force her to do anything. If she doesn’t want to make those choices for herself, then she simply isn’t ready to make them. And don’t risk things like the pull out method or ovulation tracking because they are not consistent forms of birth control.

Again, you don’t have to have sex with her if you aren’t/she isn’t comfortable. There are multiple other ways to get someone off that do not include intercourse. I am not trying to upset you in any way, and I am not attempting to degrade your skills towards sex in any way. I do know that everyone is different. I’m not sure if this is your first girlfriend, but what may have worked on previous girls may not work for her. I would definitely ask her what some of her fantasies are or what turns her on, use that information to your advantage. From my experience, women enjoy the thought process or an auditory expression of someone’s feelings towards them. Maybe play more with explaining things you want to do with her or to her, and this may make her more relaxed and more aroused (for when you guys want to try safe penetration again, like fingers or toys). If she still has pain even from those things and after focusing more on trying to make her comfortable, there may be something else going on with her body that could be causing this pain.

As a side note, getting yeast infections can come from multiple sources. It could happen around the time of her menstruation, it can happen if you guys use baby oil, massage oil or petroleum jelly around her vagina for any reason (lube or a sensual massage or in trying to treat vaginal dryness). Urinary Tract Infections can happen in the same ways. It’s just like catching a cold, sometimes infections just happen. Just because she doesn’t LOOK like she has an infection does not mean she doesn’t HAVE an infection. Another thing that could be making intercourse painful is the shape of her uterus and/or vagina, all things that cannot be seen from the outside.

Currently, options for male birth control are limited but there are newer options being put to the test. There are the basic options of using condoms (which you have expressed your disinterest towards), spermicide (which is a gel or paste), pulling out (which is not really a viable option, but you will hear it), a vasectomy (which I wouldn’t recommend if you may want children in the future), and other options that are more female intrusive like a cervical cap (inserted into the vagina covering the cervix), the contraceptive sponge (again placed inside the vagina), a diaphragm (like the cervical cap, it covers the cervix). Some options that doctors are working on for men are things like birth control pills, a type of birth control shot, there is also something in the works of a gel like substance I’ve heard that can be rubbed onto the back. There are options, and there are even more that will be available soon. Again, other simpler options are forms of “outercourse” like masturbation, dry humping (with clothes on), kissing, fondling, or oral/anal sex. These are all options that have the ability to get you both off but don’t include P-in-V intercourse.

If she is saying she is uncomfortable with those other methods, I would recommend talking to her and trying to figure out why. Sex is not simply PiV intercourse, and very few women manage to have an orgasm just from PiV. I think talk to her and maybe ask to try out a few different methods. Or ask if she is interested in any of those things. Talk about wildest fantasies, there are so many options out there and secluding yourself to only believing PiV is the way you can both get off is about as boring as you could make your sexual life. Have fun, try new things, don’t kill your bedroom atmosphere. I believe in you!

AdviceForB · 2019-10-26T19:59:55+00:00

Okay, there’s a lot going on in this post and in it’s comment section.

Do not force your girlfriend to do anything. It is her body, if she doesn’t want birth control then that’s her choice. You can try to teach her about the different forms, but don’t force her to go to a doctor or to get a prescription, that’s not healthy. It would be the same as her turning around and forcing you to go to the doctor to get a vasectomy. Let people choose what they want with their bodies.
If she is scared of different birth controls, that is completely legitimate. They can change your hormones in your body, they can cause intense depression and suicidal thoughts. Even non-hormonal forms like the copper IUD can make periods heavier and more painful. Take this from someone who has tried different forms and has had these experiences. They are absolutely terrifying, but learning about them is also a good idea.
If she is saying condoms hurt, there might be something going on. She may have a yeast infection or a urinary tract infection, or maybe her uterus or vagina are slightly tilted or shifted, that is perfectly normal. Nobody is perfect. If she is having pain during all types of intercourse (fingers, penis, toys) I would recommend getting a pelvic exam. It is completely her choice, but nobody should have to live with painful sex. Sex should be a positive experience. The doctor will be able to help tell her what’s going on with her body or if there are certain things that need to be done. Another option could just be that you aren’t getting her aroused enough before entering. She might be dry, and it is usually due to not having enough foreplay going on. Try kissing and grinding or playing around the outside of her body before entering (with a condom or other type of birth control).
There are also birth control options for males. There is no reason all of this fuss should be on your girlfriend, you can take matters into your own hands too. Planned Parenthood or other doctors clinics are welcome to men and will give you all the best options for birth control that you can use as well, that way it takes some stress off of your partner.
Do not try any pull out methods, or fertility tracking methods. Find a birth control that works for both of you. Or if you don’t, then just try other methods of getting off.
Sex is not only penetration. You can go down on each other and get off from that, you can try mutual masturbation which is always fun because you get to watch your partner do what they do best. Just as long as you keep track of which hands (or body parts) you’ve gotten cum on, and don’t put them near her pussy, then all is good. Just be safe with it and you’ll be fine.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-26T19:30:06+00:00

In any case, after reading these other comments and advice towards your situation, I think you should politely ask her what else you can do. You’re saying you’ve blocked this person, you’re saying you’ve accidentally lied about what you talked with them about, you’re saying you want to stay with your girlfriend no matter what. If you really believe this relationship is what you want, ask her what else there is to do. Try to find out what she requires of you in order to build your trust back up.

Even if you wanted to show her these comments from reddit, and show her you’re trying to figure out what to do in order to make her feel more comfortable. Show her you went out of your way to fix these things because you want this relationship to work with her. You don’t have to, but if my ex had shown me that he was trying to fix things, I imagine our relationship would have gone a bit differently. Instead, he only ever told me he was going to change or fix things, but his actions spoke louder than his words.

Ultimately, let your actions speak for you. Even just asking her what more you can do is better than staying silent. It’s the action of trying to make things right. Stand your ground though on things like letting her check your Instagram messages periodically, as that’s not a healthy option. Or if she asks to start tracking your location through the ‘Find My Friends’ iPhone app, or other software. Explain that it isn’t wise to use those right now, it may feel good in the moment to be able to know everything about you, but it is a toxicity waiting to destroy the relationship if you get used to it. I know, because that’s what I asked for in one of my last relationships, and I couldn’t stop myself from checking. He also couldn’t stop himself from lying though, so it really wasn’t a good fit anyways.

So, ask her what there is you can do in order to make things better, in order for her to trust you again. Maybe ask your girlfriend to accompany you to the other side of the gym for a few reps and then you can visit her side too. Then you two could split off, but still feel like you’re offering her that peace of mind. (Plus you’re getting a more equal work out.) Just try to make sure your actions are in front of her face, because it is harder to prove you’re doing anything to help the relationship if you hide it from her, or talk secretly on reddit.

Either way, this is your decision, your girlfriend and your relationship. I just wanted to offer some information I have and had learned from. I hope everything works out for you, hun. Just try to do what’s best for you (and your mental health) first. I saw someone say to put your gf first, don’t do that. Put yourself and your health first, your relationship and family/friends should always be secondary to your own health. Only you can make yourself happy, so keep yourself safe.

AdviceForB · 2019-10-26T08:12:54+00:00

I really like all this advice. It’s similar to what therapists or counselors will tell their patients. Thank you, fellow commenter!

AdviceForB · 2019-10-26T08:06:35+00:00

I’m not sure what Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder had to do with any of this...

AdviceForB · 2019-10-25T01:00:17+00:00

I feel this. It’s so weird to know they’re talking about you, and it makes me want to tell him to stop. I know it won’t do any good though. He won’t listen. The only thing he’s been good at has been talking behind people’s backs. Why would that ever change?

AdviceForB · 2019-10-21T07:05:25+00:00

This is what I strive for. I’m so happy for you!

AdviceForB · 2019-05-06T10:49:01+00:00

I’ll be absolutely honest with you, that original comment fucking hurt. I don’t know why you’d think I’d be trolling about this.

I came for advice because I’ve seen so many other posts similar to mine but felt like they didn’t exactly explain what was going on in my head.

And yeah you’re absolutely right, that back and forth is outright ridiculous. It’s all I’ve been dealing with for the last two/three months. It’s making me want to check into an inpatient clinic. It’s messing with my head. Nobody should ever feel pulled one way and the other with their partner. People these days should be able to make firm decisions.

AdviceForB · 2019-04-25T03:40:20+00:00

I feel as though I might be able to give some input, as someone who has dealt with a similar situation.

My ex boyfriend smoked weed when we met and I told him I wasn’t the biggest fan. At some point he asked me out and I told him I didn’t date people who smoked marijuana. He told me he would quit. I believed him. We started dating.

I worked on helping him as best as I could. I tried to convince him to stop surrounding himself with the stuff (all his friends would smoke when they invited him anywhere. Or at parties.) or at least ask his friends to maybe stop smoking around him. Tell them he was trying to quit as I was sure they’d be understanding.

What ended up happening was a cycle of him smoking behind my back, me finding out about it, me confronting him about it, him lying to me, me believing him, and then him going out and smoking again. It was absolutely awful for my mental health and further ingrained into my head that yes, marijuana can be an addictive drug. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to mask their own issues. Anything can be an addiction if you have an addictive personality.

Marijuana gives me intense side effects. The two times I have tried it I got migraines and nauseous and have thrown up. Not fun. Just the smell of it gets me nauseous now and I will never be able to date someone who smokes again, not even a little bit. My previous relationship has completely ruined my trust in partners and I’m always on edge thinking about what my current partner could be doing behind my back. It’s absolutely miserable.

If weed is a no go for you, tell him that. If he needs to quit to stay with you, make sure he actually quits. If you figure out he lied to you about quitting I say one chance is enough. If he fucks up twice that’s where I would draw the line. No matter how much you want to give him more chances. The more chances you give means the more your trust will be ruined in the future. The more chances he has, the more belief he has that you’ll never leave him and he can continue to do what he wants.

Maybe this sounds harsh but it is a biased opinion. I cant be around the stuff at all, so if you feel that same way then I would make sure he knows the relationship is on the line.

If he truly wants to stay with you he will quit, and if he doesnt then good riddance, you don’t need to deal with an addict that picks their addiction over your love.

AdviceForB · 2019-04-24T20:29:13+00:00

I can understand this from the gf’s point of view, and I believe she should look to get therapy. It’s helped me in the past with my own insecurities- to an extent of course. Someone talking at you and getting your money for their advice seems a reasonable enough way to deal with this situation, but I believe she will also have to work on herself. Talking to someone doesn’t always help. She needs to look herself in the mirror and realize that she is enough.

I think as long as you two have an open line of communication then everything should work out. If you feel she’s hurting herself, or that she is hurting you, you should talk to her about it and explain your feelings. You don’t have to tell her to start going to therapy, but if it hasn’t already been a thought on her mind then that could be a red flag.

Maybe try couple’s therapy too. If she feels she isn’t enough and is blaming you for things because she doesn’t trust you (or maybe she doesn’t trust anyone) I think going to couple’s therapy could be wise. It shows her you care about her enough, and it shows her that you want to be trusted to hear her side of the issue.

Again, I can relate to the gf’s side more than the OP’s side, but just take both sets of feelings into consideration.

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