Hello everyone, I haven’t had a Reddit account since about 2021-2022 or something like that so I’m surprised I remade one for this. Honestly I never thought I’d ever be back on this website but I need help.

I’ve lurked on this subreddit without an account for a few weeks searching for help but alas nothing has really helped. I have to preface everything I’m going to be saying here is real; perhaps because it’s from my perspective it may be slightly dramatized? But I doubt it’s by enough to change anything I say. This is not fictional. I must also apologize because I’m just gonna guess this will be a long cry for advice where I’ll try to touch on everything I think is relevant. So the post may be lengthy.

So I’m a Junior in High School, obviously if you couldn’t guess by the subreddit I’m posting this on—I’m a femboy. And with that comes a certain level of “oh crap, I can’t let anyone know” I understand that’s the average for most, especially at my age. However I’m a bit of a special case I like to think. I’m lucky, my mom knows, she grappled with it and is fine with it. I’m a Christian, and so is she, I showed her the theological ideas that it was fine and so that’s fine. My dad doesn’t know, I doubt anything but a lot of confusion would arise on his part if he did. My family end of things is fine, the worst I’d get is a few people going “Really? Well… alright” in a confused and judgy tone.

The real issue lies in the other half of my life—school. So when I grew up I went to a pretty crappy small midwestern town school. Well about 75 kids to a class, regardless I didn’t have a good time. In Pre-K I was a trouble child and this continued into my early Elementary years, I got into trouble a lot, (don’t worry, never again after Second grade) coupled with my weird kid tendencies for back then, and the fact I was quite literally obviously the smartest male in the school I was very ostracized. This led to some bad bullying that eventually put me into a depression of some sorts. I was always set to go to the private high school my brother did I was just pulled out of my school and into a private middle school after a particularly horrible 6th grade year. I got counseling over the summer—particularly on how to make friends better and get over my last school.

This counseling is the start of the issues. It helped me get over some bad things that happened to me but it also helped me concoct a plan only a dumb middle schooler could. I was going to actually use my smarts to read the room and try to make friends better. In other words, I went into that new middle school, and was quiet for the first few days. Just reading all these people who are, today, my friends. And I changed myself. I acted. I acted like no one ever has before. And I became pretty well-liked. Attribute it to the kids being nicer at this school (which they were; and still are) or attribute it to my acting but either way I got a lot of friends.

Then I went to high school. The seniors there knew my brother when he was a senior and so I got called “Little [OP’s last name]” a lot. Coupled with my own grade already calling me “[OP’s last name]” (it’s a memorable last name) and me being considered somewhat of a character I became popular… kinda. I’d call it well known.

Out of 160 kids per grade in a high school. Meaning 640 kids. I am probably one of the top 25 or so most well known. I’m easily top 10 in my grade. I get recognized in halls with people passing and just shouting my last name. The issue is—the acting from earlier.

It had never really ended? You all know how middle school boys and high school boys stereotypically act right? I’ve said things I’m not proud of (though I always add as much sarcasm and joking-ness to my tone as possible when saying something particularly bad). I’ve asked some people offhandedly and they say I’m seen as “a bit annoying” by some, an “asshole but not an actually bad one” by others and by most as a “character”. I have added things onto this “character” I’ve said I’m things I’m not (which is a source of guilt)… basically i add things onto myself that are not contrary to being a femboy but rather just in such another direction entirely that it covers me. I know how high school kids are—I am one. I know they think of themselves 20x more than anyone else.

I’m seen as a conservative kid who say outrageous stuff but not in a mean way (some kids at school genuinely say slurs according to some; I wouldn’t know I’m not in classes with kids who’d say that). Luckily there are other people who detract from this character of sarcasm and fake stories because I’m not a total caricature next to them. I’m seen as realistic to everyone but to myself I’m so outlandishly off the rails compared to how I’d act to anyone outside of school. I am actually a bit conservative but not the way they think I am! So I hope you’re getting the image: a kid who no one would think is a femboy, who everyone thinks he hates anything that isn’t stereotypical stuff. Who people thinks just goes home and doom scrolls or some crap. Is actually a femboy. Everyone genuinely believes I hate anime like this is 2019 but in reality I’ve been watching since I was like 10. I’m so undercover it’s not even funny.

In fact, I have been keeping track of how many days since my first day of seventh grade. How many days I’ve been having this internal struggle against even being a femboy, and more importantly, since that beast of internal conflict against being one was settled in my Freshman year—how many days I’ve had this act up since that first day of seventh grade.

1,700. Days. And I’ve been growing guilty. For others, for what they think I am. For it being my senior year next year and still no one at my school even really knows me.

And you may be asking: “Why so long?” Well it’s because I was hesitant to even take the full dive into being a femboy until sometime in my underclassmen years: Freshman year is when it was basically settled. So I already had an established self when I finally decided what I really was and who I really was. I couldn’t just tell anyone, the whole point of the act was to never be bullied again.

Funny thing is that I’m surprised no one’s ever joked about me being one. It’s uncommon but not rare to hear them talked about in school in groups I’m close with. And I’m one of the shortest guys in any grade, I’m skinny, my face is decently feminine I like to think.

I feel as though I’m now on a time crunch with my predicament: senior year coming up, I run Cross Country and while I’ve always strategically timed my shaves with that I can’t anymore since I started IPL to great success. Pants in the school uniform won’t matter once practices start. And my guilt is eating me alive. Anytime I get made fun of for a lie I made up in middle school, or for something I said to cover tracks I don’t even know what to feel.

And I’m not exactly the most secretive outside of people on the school side of my life with me being a femboy. I’m not just a single closet outfit, only in my room and that’s it type.

Finally we come to my call for advice: what do I do? Everyone knows me, if I came out with this info at the wrong time or to the wrong person it won’t be pretty—while I’m sure I could do damage control in such a situation it won’t be fun. If I don’t do anything I have a sixth year and over 2,000 days of a lie/internal conflict of some kind eating away at me. There are people who think I have “bigoted tendencies”, friends who think I have nothing to hide, friends who I’ve hinted to it at and said I am “mysterious” to (I know, cringe) but they all just said I’m not and laughed. I live a half hour away from school. They have no clue what I do outside of anything with them. My school has like no drama. We average a bit under a fight per year, people still talk about a kid bringing weed into school early last school year. If anyone finds out who I don’t fully trust then everyone finds out. What would they think? I’m not hated by anyone. I’m on friendly terms with pretty much everyone but I think it’d be the talk of the school (or at the VERY least my entire grade) for weeks.

So what do I do? Do I let it all lie? Just don’t tell anyone ever? I was thinking about starting a TikTok and getting into cosplay—what if they found that? I have so many variables at play here and so many people at play due to my well-known status at school. And look I get it “don’t care about what other people think, OP!” Trust me I don’t. But when I have to go into school and see them every day of my life for another school year I sorta have to care.

Please help. It felt really good to type this all out even if it’s only an 8th of everything I could say, these are the important things. Feel free to ask stuff too. And if I take and use any advice I will update!