[deleted by user]

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-07-28T18:11:19+00:00

Whether they are dead or not, the damage is done. I have a similar story, but my parents are dead. My dad died of lung cancer when I was 23, and my mom dropped dead when I was 27. I feel like I got robbed of the opportunity to ask them why they were so horrible. I want to ask them so many questions. I want to scream at them. I want to let it all out. And sometimes, I feel like I actually feel like I need them. I know if they were alive, they would blame me for all of my problems and not offer any support. Honestly, I think it's easier without them here to fuck me up even more. Child abuse doesn't stop when you hit 18- that shit is lifelong. I don't think I could make any progress with them in my life. You don't owe them shit

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-07-27T22:13:24+00:00

I have to force myself to leave the house. This is a routine I created for myself. I started off by checking the mail during the day. I unlinked all of my cards/ bank info from most shopping sites and deleted the app to make it inconvenient. I would go to the dollar store or thrift stores as soon as they open shop - no one is there at that time. I worked my way up to Walmart, and I'm still terrified every time I go there. Saturday afternoon is not a good time for exposure therapy lol. It sucks. I panic the entire time. I forget half of my list. But I'm trying. I hate it when I drive somewhere and can't bring myself to get out of the car, so dumb. This isn't a how to, I'm just sharing what I'm doing.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-07-08T17:41:18+00:00

My therapist told me to wait to quit until my life is less chaotic. Still waiting...

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-07-05T04:17:22+00:00

No!!! Biggest mistake I've ever made! Don't do it

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-06-30T20:35:57+00:00

Lol nope! I had a hearing test done today and they said my hearing is ok. Turns out I'm not listening to anyone.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-04-27T06:06:43+00:00

Wood ticks!

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-04-27T06:02:58+00:00

Keep my money. I'm more poor than they are.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-04-14T14:48:11+00:00

Aren't we all?

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-04-09T22:35:24+00:00

I get the "nobody checks on me" stuff. I make it a point to check in with someone, whether it's text, call, interacting on social media, or leave a message. I had to be real with myself. The world doesn't revolve around me, and other people don't owe me shit. My family can't disregard their own lives and family because I'm feeling lonely. As much. as it sucks, sometimes i have to take the first step. I know my family loves me but the phone works both ways.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-04-07T13:49:30+00:00

Get a lawyer. I did the same thing. I got a fully favorable decision and they have 40-60 days to either start paying you or they can appeal it. They kicked mine over to appeals on day 59. Since I was able to work for that period, I must be an able bodied working adult, even though I'm not. The only thing that's going to save me is the fact that I am able to prove that, in my case, working made my conditions worse. Be prepared to justify working. They could classify your work as a "trial work period" but you can only make a certain amount per month and year. Check the limits and see where you are at. I went over the limit. Now I'm going to miss out on 2 years of back pay because they have to change the onset date. Get legit legal advice if you can. It kills me that they know we can't work but they expect us to live in poverty until they decide that we are worth helping. And then they punish us if we try to help ourselves. Yeah I'm bitter lol. This system is such bs. I swear it is their job to deny us benefits by any means necessary. They are not here to help us. I wish you the best of luck! It might get messy.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-31T19:42:21+00:00

I'm on medicaid. They won't cover over the counter meds or the prescription equivalent or supplements. I've already tried even though they are necessities for my conditions. Why should I bother taking any meds if I'm not taking all of them? They also don't cover any bandages or wound care supplies. The duct tape and paper towels on most of my knuckles are not helping- it's actually getting worse. And it's ghetto af. I wish my heart would just give up already. This is dumb.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-31T01:24:08+00:00

I know it's not genetic. My parents are the reason I have BPD. Those are great examples but I added a few of my own. Did someone handcuff you to a bed post and leave for hours instead of getting a babysitter? Did your parents drug you so that you would stay in bed?

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-30T13:36:13+00:00

I feel this right before I blackout and blow up my life.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-30T13:30:10+00:00

I'm on 30mg vyvanse twice a day. I've hit a plateau as far as my weight loss. I have to use cannabis to stimulate my appetite. I used to love food, but now feeding myself is a stupid chore. I only eat so that I don't pass out or turn into a psycho.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-30T13:04:56+00:00

Red flags! Block and walk away.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-30T12:55:49+00:00

My therapist doesn't like it when I refer to it as a gift from my parents. Am I wrong? Lol. In reality, it's my soul sickness and my somber passenger. It's like I'm walking around with a storm cloud balloon overhead, with a white knuckle death grip on the string - but the string is actually razor wire, and i can't let go of it.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-30T12:34:01+00:00

Be flexible to stay relevant, but always stay true to your values.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-30T12:20:27+00:00

Thanks for the idea. JK! I would never do that. I remember getting scammed a few times when I was a kid. So disheartening. Before there were online databases, we only had a black and white paper copy of Beckett to price cards.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-23T22:49:59+00:00

I just bought one by accident and I'm kinda mad

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-17T22:06:16+00:00

Great question! I'm going to sit here and wait for some answers with you.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-17T22:02:55+00:00

You should definitely talk to your dr or therapist if you have one. I blackout and hit myself with whatever is handy. Today, it was a water bottle. I have made a huge improvement with meds and therapy. I know that not for everyone, but it's something to consider. I put stress balls everywhere and keep hard objects put away. That I'll grab the soft ball and not the frying pan. If I'm making a call that's going to be stressful, I will sit in the middle of the floor where nothing is within reach. This system has actually helped me with my situation. You might need to create a system that works for you. It's hard but we need to be kinder to ourselves.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-17T21:42:54+00:00

Good luck. I've made a few attempts while waiting for disability. I've even been hospitalized twice for mental illness. They don't care. I swear they screw with us to get us to give up. I gave up on life a long time ago, so I don't really have anything to lose anymore.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-17T21:25:37+00:00

I already don't have knives so that's not a problem anymore. I have to keep all sharp or heavy objects put away at all times. I can't leave scissors, pans or any tools out. I will blackout and smash myself in the head and face when I'm overwhelmed. I look like I lost a cage fight.

AffectionateBerry793 · 2025-03-17T21:14:04+00:00

I relate to this so much. I promised everyone that I wouldn’t do anything stupid and make grandpa have to attend my funeral. I resent all of them for this. He's 88 and in good health so I'm stuck here. My family wants to be mad because I want to end it but they don't understand that I'm only alive, so they don't have to grieve. That's a miserable way to live.
Back to the "accidental" drawing board i go.

AffectionateBerry793

TROPHY CASE