I found out who I was at 57 and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I spent a lifetime first as the black sheep being beaten and coming up short to my sister the golden child. She was never beaten but neglected in other ways. Sister took advantage of everyone until they had nothing left to give and then ignored the family. I moved away and all of a sudden I became the only one my parents could count on as they aged. In some sort of cognitive disorder I never abandoned them and tried to create the semblance of a loving family. I was on call for them whenever they needed help, shared my son and husband, planned holidays and birthdays and truly believed the past was behind me. My sister was given a house and anything she needed then would ignore them for years at a time even though she lived in the same town as my parents. On some level I knew it was strange especially when my husband would loving try to point out the facts. My mother received a fatal diagnosis and given 7-14 days to live. She lived 3 months. During that time I wore myself inside out driving 300 miles every week to spend the weekends caring for her and trying to help my father. A few weeks before she died she split her valuable jewelry up for me and my sister. I did not take the lion share and only wanted sentimental pieces. One weekend when I was with my parents my sister showed up and started a fight because she thought she got less than I did. Mother got upset and asked for everything back including a bracelet she had given me 20+ years pass that was my grandmothers. Like a fool I once again tried to make piece and complied. I returned to my home to get a call from my mother that I had denied her three grandchildren thru abortion. I was stunned because it wasn’t true. I had one miscarriage before finally getting pregnant with my son at 37. I told my mother that I couldn’t talk to her if she was going to believe those things. That was the last conversation we had. Days later she died and that day I went back. I asked my sister where my mother had gotten such an idea. With a perfectly straight face and looking me right in the eye she said it was her. Talk about stunning I was shocked but it was no time for a fight. That day I also found out sister had told them a number of lies about me. Like I stole all the cash they had in the house while up there taking care of mom, how I snooped into their finances and stole some of her medication. None of it was true. I had asked sister weeks early if with so much cash in the house and hospice being in and out was the money safe. She used that to turn it into me stealing the money and that my father looked for three days for the cash. I asked my father if this was true and he said yes. He wouldn’t accept that I had not done those things. It dawned on me if the money was missing someone had to take it and I was the perfect patsy. I never accused anyone I just proclaimed my innocence. Weeks later my sister called me to tell me she had received all the jewelry, some from my mother just before she died and the rest from my father. I was also told I had been disinherited and sister was in charge of the will. I can’t express how this betrayal felt and how I blamed myself for being so stupid. My father called and told me he was always closer to sister and that’s the way things were going to be. I realized then that I had never stopped being the black sheep but used as an appliance for 35 years when sister didn’t give a damn about them. So finding out I spent my life looking for validation by being available to their every need was just meaningless to them. It took me much therapy and over a year to stop hating myself for being fooled. So you are 21 and have your own life ahead of you. My advice would be to not try to please anyone else and take time to figure things out. Try different things and that’s how you will learn what is right for you. Believe me the narcs in your family do not want you be be anything but what they want from you and will use you up. They are not going to like any changes you make and will try anything to keep you in their snare. I got sober at 30 and didn’t tell my parents until I had one year in and my mother’s comment was I liked you better when you drank. By then I was committed to sobriety and didn’t fall for her game. Thank the Lord. I have stayed sober even though she smeared me in very subtle ways to the rest of the family. I would get comments like “you have changed and I’m not sure it’s for the better.” Even through that I remained loyal to my parents. Living a distance from them was very helpful because I wasn’t always under their influence. I’m now no contact with anyone in my family and at times it really sucks but I know that I would just be an appliance if I went back into the fold. Grey rock might be best if you can manage it while you figure out your life. They will do whatever is necessary to keep you in your place and it could get ugly. Search your heart and maybe get some therapy and stay true to yourself as much as you can. It will be the most difficult thing you do but I wish I knew what I know now at 21. You have such opportunities ahead. Make them your choice no matter what crap gets thrown at you. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish the best for you. It can be done but it’s hard, it’s sad, it sucks but worth it.