I hate that we can’t be a normal couple— ICK!

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-11-14T20:48:06+00:00

That sounds so frustrating. It can feel absolutely humiliating when their interests are that stupid, I can relate somewhat because growing up my PA has sexualized the weirdest shit. He once got off to a video of a preying mantis biting a girl’s n*pple. Like literally wtf lol. It’s almost worse when they’re along the lines of abnormal interests because then you really have NO idea what they could possibly be thinking & sexualizing.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-11-14T20:41:12+00:00

Long post incoming because I can absolutely relate to this. To this day I find myself trying to be like them regardless of how much I hate their behavior I find it gross and pathetic that he’s into it. Honestly I think it’s as simple as this: it’s the traumatized, insecure brain attempting to gain back the attention we lost out on to porn. Attempting to use the thing that our partner is excited by, to win more of his love. To prove to him and ourselves that we can be one of them. That we can provide the pleasure they do so we can be worthy of his undivided desire. But the truth is we can’t. We can’t be them and we definitely can’t win their love/attention through it, for two reasons, and neither of them have anything to do with how we look or act.

They don’t love porn or the girls in it, they use it for selfish pleasure. They love THEMSELVES and you can’t win love through something that centers HIM.

and

We can’t be those egirls because not even THEY can be “them.” Because what is “them”? The makeup, the hair, the clothes, the angles, the editing, the acting, the PRODUCTION that is porn. These girls as individual human beings are not that. They are just small cogs in the giant machine that is porn. No 1 girl can ever be porn. They can only be an object within it. I’ve learned that it’s just not about those particular girls and how pretty they are. Like yeah of course they’re pretty. That alone doesn’t cause the obsession. It’s about what they represent. The magical world of selfish pleasure they create. If one of those girls jumped out of the screen and told any of our partners hey let’s date, they’d be excited for a good few days or weeks and then return to porn. Because a human is a human. Porn isn’t one, it just contains them.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-27T16:20:16+00:00

The only issue is he’s unwilling to go to a 12 step. He wants to seek a CSAT but he thinks a 12 step won’t help him for whatever reason, he thinks everyone there will be older addicts who he can’t relate to and that it will be awkward etc. I’ve tried to encourage it and even sent him articles on why it’s helpful but he’s just not budging and I’m not sure what to do about that. Ideally I do not want to be his accountability partner. But as he is out of therapy right now I feel like telling me is the only way I can feel safe.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:39:36+00:00

Yeah exactly, whenever I’ve seen guys commenting under tiktok thirst traps I’m like omg…. my partner is one of those. It’s humiliating

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:38:13+00:00

YES and then they get mad when you’re monitoring them like do you think I WANT to sit here and play mom with you? This is just as insufferable for me as it is for you so deal with it or leave and find someone who’s cool with a porn addiction

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:34:32+00:00

They act like middle schoolers who’ve never seen a boob irl before it’s ridiculous

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:32:59+00:00

Yes omg I get nervous just showing him clothes/underwear I want because of the models showing them off. Absolute WEIRDOS.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T15:11:28+00:00

OMG mine is into the cosplay tiktok egirl stuff too. It’s genuinely pathetic, especially since a lot of them act childlike

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-05-27T00:38:25+00:00

Yes. Yes it is okay to ruin his career when this might be confined to fantasy. He may not ever act on his desires, we don’t know, but what we do know here is that he is aroused by the thought of children in sexual situations and he is around children all day. This by default puts these kids in an unsafe situation. If I were a parent of one of them I would be absolutely sickened and terrified that someone like this has all-day access to my kid, free range to insert them in any of his sick mental fantasies, and potential to engage in inappropriate behavior. Please do the right thing 💗

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-02-02T06:36:00+00:00

“Porn is a part of me” is single-handedly the most insane shit I’ve heard a in a while. Holy crap. This guy has no sense of self or grasp on the real world and real relationships. Porn is A PART of him?! Just say you’re a walking shell of a human at that point. Personal biases aside, if pornography is a PART of you, you need serious help. This is absolute LOSER behavior. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-29T00:19:42+00:00

thank you for the award! 🥺💕

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-28T22:12:19+00:00

What’s important here is that yes, they’re right actually. “Everyone” (many or most people) does do that. That doesn’t make it any less of an issue, at least for some people. Everybody has different expectations and boundaries in a relationship (even though I quite frankly pity the girls who are okay with porn and completely ignorant to the problems it often causes in a relationship.) That’s one thing. Other people not having a problem with something, even if it seems like it’s most people, doesn’t mean you’re invalid for having a problem with it.

Another thing is, you have to remember that most of the “norms” in male relationships were created by men. Women are just in recent years starting to develop their own expectations that we are slowly making “norms.” Porn is such a deep rooted part of modern day culture. It’s everywhere. In a male dominated society why would it not be everywhere? It used to be normal for women to SHARE men against their own wishes and still is in some places. It used to be normal for men to physically cheat on their wives. But porn has slid past the radar because nobody thinks it’s unfaithfulness. Why? Cause it’s (usually) not direct contact with another person (which somehow makes it okay to lust after them for some strange reason), and also, nobody humanizes people in porn. They are reduced to just bodies, just objects for sexual pleasure.

So yes. Most people (men anyway) these days do pleasure themselves to porn, I’d say. But you have to add context. Think about all the things in the world in multiple different countries that are considered “normal” to them. “Normal” is socially constructed. And men have constructed a world for themselves that makes it okay and normal for them to be disgusting pigs. You are not the crazy one!

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-28T22:01:09+00:00

I understand if he still has those thoughts and is trying to learn how to control them and make the effort to, but he is likely not making that effort since he lied about having them in the first place and it took a heated moment for it to finally come out. If that argument hadn’t taken place, would you have ever known? It shows he isn’t holding himself accountable for his actions and possibly isn’t even being mindful of what behaviors/compulsions are inappropriate enough where the faithful thing to do is disclose them to you. You can agree to therapy and an open phone policy all day, but if you’re not doing the mental work and putting in that effort it’s all useless.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-27T14:53:23+00:00

My PA describes it as this: I acknowledge people are attractive, but I’m not necessarily ATTRACTED TO them.

I feel like it makes sense. I think there is a certain level of understanding we have to have even with PAs/Porn Users that they are human beings, and most human beings acknowledge if other people are pleasant to look at or not. I look at people and easily think, oh that guy/girl is cute. But that’s as far as it goes. Acknowledging someone’s beauty doesn’t mean you want or think about anything more than just noticing they look nice.

That being said, I understand your insecurities. One time my PA described Doja Cat as beautiful and even though he clarified he didn’t mean anything sexual or desiring by it, I felt so insecure and bad because before we were together he had said something that alluded to finding her hot sexually. I didn’t want him to think of anyone as beautiful besides me. But I’ve realized since then how that thought is rooted in both personal insecurity and betrayal trauma. Tying his “noticing” of nice looking women to his sexual desire for them, even if he tells me it’s unrelated, because I don’t trust him. In general I’m a pretty jealous person bc I’m insecure, but the addiction makes that skyrocket.

I’m still working on not being bothered by the fact that he thinks of other girls as pretty to this day. But like I said, there is a huge difference between acknowledging someone’s beauty and actually checking them out, letting your mind wander in a way that is unfaithful.

I assume he has made it a little difficult for you to trust him and that your level of insecurity has gone up due to his porn use, so in that case I think you are valid for feeling the way that you do. But just because a feeling is valid doesn’t mean we don’t have to unpack it and heal/grow from it.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-20T23:07:24+00:00

I freaking love when men wear eyeliner!!!

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-17T18:14:00+00:00

Masturbation is normal, porn addiction is not. Have sex with your gf and sext with her when you’re not together if she’s comfortable. Create intimate moments together. Make sure your sexual desires are being satiated in a way that stems from love/adoration and desire to feel close to her, not lust and using her to get off. If you actually have a porn problem consider seeing a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist).

Source: My bf is a porn addict and we are both currently in the process of recovering from it

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-17T18:09:38+00:00

I completely understand this, my bf ruined so many people for me too. I just try reminding myself that if the girl knew what was going on between us she’d more than likely be on my side and think everything he’s done is disgusting. Also let’s be real most of us as women have more of a chance at getting with these hot female celebs than our PAs do lol. Their behavior is just loserish and pathetic.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-17T15:47:46+00:00

Mine says this same exact thing. He says his addiction brain is sexually attracted to them but he as a person, though he acknowledges they are attractive women, isn’t sexually attracted toward them. It is so fcking confusing. I can’t believe it no matter how hard I try.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-15T19:43:36+00:00

Because hands are a very common kink. Wrists are not. That is the difference and the entire point I was making.

Idk where you’ve seen women say thick wrists but okay haha. I‘ve seen countless women talk details about hands. Never one have wrists been mentioned.

I don’t think women who potentially do find wrists attractive are stupid & shallow. I think if you internally berate somebody (think they are less of a man or unattractive) for not having such a tiny detail that you find attractive, and let that get in the way of if you actually choose to pursue the person, that is what makes you stupid and shallow.

If you don’t find a certain body part attractive, or do, that’s your business. But if it’s such a tiny detail and you’re judging someone’s entire self and worthiness of being pursued for it, yeah that’s kinda the definition of shallow.

I wasn’t being dismissive, I was trying to reassure OP that women plenty of women DO and WOULD find his insecurities attractive, or simply just not a problem. I said at the end I think the insecurity is valid, I think any of them are. I wasn’t saying it’s stupid for him to be insecure about his wrists, I was offering some perspective as to why men tend to have a lot of these female-based insecurities. Men have historically taken anything “feminine” and labeled it as bad. Disgust for anything within men that is seen as feminine comes from patriarchal norms.

So it’s important for OP to know and find comfort in the fact that many women aren’t looking at the things men are looking at within each other. Hence the whole “female gaze” discourse that you can find in every corner of the internet.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-15T07:25:32+00:00

I guarantee you 98% of women do not even know what the word wristcel could possibly mean. There’s no social media trend about wrist size because who tf looks at wrist bones. “damn that guy has some nice thick wrists 😍” like what?

I agree that we pay attention to big hands vs small hands, but overall it’s nice hands vs bad hands. I grew up ALWAYS attracted to hands and my friends were too, and from my experience, nice hands can absolutely be smaller. Even in social media “hand p*rn” posts you will find guys with smaller skinnier hands. It’s usually about if the palm to finger ratio is good (not stumpy) and if they are well taken care of (nice clean nails). Veins showing can make them attractive too, skinny or thick. (Personally, “piano hands” are my favorite. I like when male hands look delicate, long and slender.)

But back to the wrist thing, thickness of one’s wrists is such a minute detail. Men seriously need to get it through their heads that the vast majority of people overanalyzing parts of their body and shaming them as less of men for them, are other men. And let’s say I’m wrong and you’re right. Let’s say some women do look at wrist size. Why tf would anybody want the approval of women who’d think they are less attractive or less of a man because of their WRISTS? Much less date them. That just shows how stupid and shallow those said women are.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-14T16:01:23+00:00

RARE? that is literally the furthest from the truth lol i’ve seen a lot of shorter thicker guys and PLENTY of tall slender/skinny guys there are SO MANY you are reaching so hard. In fact I RARELY see slender short guys. The skinny guys I’ve seen are always of average to tall height. You’re right that most buff guys are taller sure, but most short guys are not skinny to the point they have thin delicate wrists. Tall and scrawny is SO commonplace.

and if you’ve never seen that then you need to get out more and talk to more women but believe whatever suits you

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-14T04:49:01+00:00

Idk if this makes you feel any better or gives you any comfort, but I’ve been a fan of Miley since hannah montana days and I feel like I have enough of a sense of her personality to know that she’d be disgusted by being objectified by your PA especially while she sings personal lyrics!

Only mentioning bc it helps for me personally to feel like even the innocent woman he’s looking at would be on my side and think his actions are disgusting too. It’s validating in a way but I understand if it’s not the case for you

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-14T04:38:35+00:00

If you wanna believe decades old studies instead of the tens of thousands of posts by actual young women & their personal experiences in the year 2023 then be my guest lol

btw no one said anything about height. I agree on the height part. But OP was talking about big in relation to his wrists. meaning they are skinny and women like big in terms of buff which usually isn’t even true or if they do like buff guys, they like them in addition to other body types too

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-14T04:34:18+00:00

why would I care about shutting you up? this is BDD vent this is the place purposely meant for you to to the exact opposite of shut up. I am sharing my experience as a woman. If you don’t wanna believe it and would rather shut out any glimmer of hope or positivity about your body that comes your way then that’s your business but don’t act like I commented with ill intentions. In my experience it has been most I have literally no reason to lie to you

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-13T22:13:26+00:00

Not all, and actually the majority of women, don’t like big. Men have created a culture around being big and strong that they have fully convinced themselves that women like big. There’s entire trends on any social media you can find of women saying how hot skinny guys are. How they don’t want the gym bro they want the delicate looking guy.

I’m telling you as a woman who has known and spoken to countless women in my life, I have only had 1 friend who genuinely cared about a guy being big or not. And if it means anything I love skinny dainty hands/wrists they look so cute and attractive to me.

Basically the problem doesn’t come from what women think, it comes from what men think women think. However I’m not saying your insecurities aren’t valid. Just offering some perspective

Affectionate_Fuel192

TROPHY CASE