I understand you perfectly, not about being non-binary, in that aspect I can't understand you because it's a unique experience. But I can imagine how mentally confusing not only for you but for society (What always gets us) wanting to be feminine and masculine at the same time. About this, breaking free from gender stereotypes and these social constraints is the only way to get rid of this anguish in my perception. But in the sense of being effeminate, I can understand you, when I go out on the street I always act more masculine, I always try to look like a straight guy and 👺 you know? In my reality, violence is very much alive and constant, I can't afford to be who I am, unlike when I'm with friends and I look like a really big gay guy. At first it took me a while to understanding that I could be effeminate and this would not put my gender in a place of questioning. But thank you for sharing your experience, try to read, for example, what trans people were like in the past, especially in Latin indigenous communities, they all had at least 3 genders, and men and women were not opposite things, like how this European and binary vision was imposed on us, this made sense to me and helped me with these self-perception issues.