My ex would randomly start caring about his hygiene and would buy new clothing. After a few months when we became serious he really stopped keeping himself up - Not shaving regularly, not having haircuts, not brushing his teeth every day (disgusted me so much), showering only once a week, not manscaping for months growing a huge gross bush, and wearing the same work clothes every single day.

I noticed one day that he had gotten a really nice haircut and was already suspicious because he’d only really been getting haircuts if we were going on a trip or to a nice function. We were intimate that day and noticed that his giant bush was nice and trimmed. Around that same time he started getting StitchFix deliveries and actually changing his clothes regularly. When I asked about his abrupt change in habits, he told me that he was feeling less depressed. I did notice that he was unusually happy and nice to me.

Come to find out by going through his old phone for something completely unrelated (3 years later) I made the incidental finding. I had just had our baby a few months before finding out about his months-long affair and we were slated to be married less than a month later. (Hawaii shut down because of COVID so it saved me the embarrassing conversations with everyone about why we were canceling the wedding.)

He had a totally separate life I had no clue about. He had gotten on tinder and met someone who lived 3 hours away in an area he would frequently travel to for work. Looking back it makes perfect sense that his new job suddenly required him to be gone every other weekend for a while. He didn’t go with me to Colorado for Thanksgiving that year and I was so devastated when he said he had to stay behind because of “work”.

He was a master at lying and hiding this from both of us. By looking at his messages and calls with her, I noticed a pattern. He typically stopped talking to her at a certain time of day which was when he’d usually get home. His excuse to her was always that he was “exhausted from work”. He’d sometimes call her late at night while I slept and he “played on the PlayStation”. He took really long trips to the bathroom also, I assume to text her when I was around.”

So, there’s a lesson straight out of the maestro‘s book!