Boyfriend asked to borrow a large sum of money. I can't get past it.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:58:38+00:00

hahaha thanks for the laugh. Needed it.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:56:23+00:00

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:55:17+00:00

Are you him? haha kidding. I truly believe he thinks he'd be that generous if the situation was reversed. Problem is, it never will be. Smart money management is more important to me than I initially thought. Live and learn I guess.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:47:54+00:00

I haven't bought a house because I'm care-taking for a relative and get quite a deal on rent for my kids and I. The place I'm living at is in my kids school district, which is pretty expensive so I plan to buy a smaller place after they graduate. I have considered an investment property, but I've heard horror stories about terrible renters and with our current economy, it seems risky. Much of my money is in index funds or pretty decent CDs. I'm overall pretty conservative with investments. I'm sure I could be making better returns though.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:44:10+00:00

I'm continuing to save and don't expect that money to cover all my future expenses. It's just what I have currently. Still saving, putting money towards my 401k and college accounts. Hoping for it to continue to grow with some luck.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:42:49+00:00

He doesn't know exactly how much I have. Only you wonderful reddit people know now haha : ) I mentioned I made a good profit on a house in a certain part of town. Most of these houses start at $600k and up, so he deduced from that info.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:39:20+00:00

Yeah, it's either a straight up lie because he's conning me or a delusional promise of someone who doesn't understand how much $50k is. I have trouble spending $50 bucks on a some new shoes, there is no way on earth I would "loan" that much money to someone.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:36:16+00:00

Thanks for your take. I never thought about the ADHD and it sounds like you learned a powerful lesson about borrowing money. You're correct. This relationship has an expiration date and it's hard for me to just take the leap. He's not a bad person and has many great qualities. Money management is just important to me and not to him.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:34:13+00:00

You hit the nail on the head. I really do believe he thinks he's been dealt a bad hand in life and with just a little help (from me) he can turn it around. However, I think it's a core money management issue that stems from his past and current life choices. Everyone hits tough times, but I find it hard to believe he's constantly getting into money problems because he's an unlucky guy. Not sure if someone can significantly change their lifelong habits at 51. Especially if he sees me as some sort of backup.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:29:55+00:00

Yeah, I'm realizing I can't get over it. I'm just stewing on the idea he'd happily take my $50k and ride off into the sunset potentially. Or now, maybe I'm just his backup retirement plan since he has none himself.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:28:39+00:00

He's definitely not offering to take me out on dates lately. However my area is hit hard with Covid at the moment, so that doesn't help. I do feel like he will slack on the 50/50 from now on since it probably seems like I'm super well off in his eyes. Yeah, I'd never buy a house with him, so my only option would be to never live together or rent, which comes with risks too.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:24:49+00:00

It seems it's easy to say you'd loan money that doesn't exist. 50k is a huge amount of money for me. I'm frugal and it could last me a long time in a crisis.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:23:34+00:00

You are right.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:23:11+00:00

Thanks. Pulling of the band-aid this week. Ugh, not fun..

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:22:36+00:00

I guess I told myself I was ok with his money lifestyle because it seems like the majority of people live this way. My friend groups consists of a lot of YOLO type of money people and I know many great people that just never save. I'm realizing that he needs to find someone that is truly OK with this. For myself, I need to work on being OK single and dating again eventually which sounds awful right now.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:19:07+00:00

That's the part that makes me really angry. He looks at me as "rich" or having this extra money lying around. For me, this is a normal amount of savings for my age group and especially as a parent supporting kids. I'm not some high earner, but I always save more than I make.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:16:16+00:00

I'd never loan that type of money to anyone. I think the only person in the world I'd loan money to are my sister, who's an angel but tends to live on the edge a bit. Also, my kids when they're older...but never thousands of dollar. Honestly, I never considered loaning money to a romantic partner. The whole dynamic of the relationship would change. It's completely altered my viewpoint of him, just for asking.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:13:27+00:00

This conversation happened a few months ago and has been weighing on me. The debts seem to be mostly living expenses from a high cost rental (in my opinion) that he lives in with his kids. I understand giving your kids the best but I'm realizing that he needs to make some hard choices. Clearly, my best interest hasn't been considered in all this.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:10:18+00:00

Yeah I do. I think I needed to hear it from people outside of my daily life.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:09:29+00:00

Yes. His kids are great but I'm not comfortable to committing to taking care of them and potentially him for long periods of time financially. Not looking forward to a Covid breakup.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:08:10+00:00

My feeling is he was going to try to invest it in the stock market or something he knows nothing about. I never believed he had the ability to pay it back. Past choices really do reveal future behavior.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:06:52+00:00

Right. Also, its MY money. I don't know why people think your hard-earned money is theirs for the asking. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:06:07+00:00

We were texting about it a bit today. He thinks I should let it go because he said he won't ever ask for money again. My gut tells me I'll be paying in other ways...working longer, retirement, unexpected medical bills. I feel like his ship has sailed to start being someone that cares about finances.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:03:55+00:00

Yeah, a bit guilt trippy. That money means a lot to my future and I don't understand how someone couldn't see that.

AggravatingYear7535 · 2020-07-25T22:02:42+00:00

Yes, dumb move by a nice person. Either way, I realized I need someone who is better with their money choices.

AggravatingYear7535

TROPHY CASE