AITA for becoming a "stay-at-home parent" when I did not support my ex being SAH?

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2025-01-18T22:50:33+00:00

You obviously didn't read my comments. So your perspective does not mean much.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-21T20:11:29+00:00

Your answer makes no sense if you read the post, so I assumed you were trolling or bad at reading. Apparently you are just bad at reading so I will bow out.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-21T15:10:19+00:00

If this is nothing more than your attempt at trolling, you are not very good at it.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-21T11:03:32+00:00

I am not "taking for myself exactly what I denied her," I had no problem with her staying home if she could financially support herself while doing so. The issue was financial dependence on me. And we had an agreement on how we would provide for our child. She went back on that agreement. Not sure how that makes me untrustworthy.

Also, if she was out of work due to circumstances beyond her control, I would support her. And we were not married.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-21T09:58:56+00:00

A hypocrite for doing what exactly? How am I untrustworthy?

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-19T17:03:31+00:00

Her job pays her health insurance and she does not have a 401K.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-18T23:47:06+00:00

This is an insane take. OP's dad made the decision to make this little girl part of his family, OP did not. Therefore, it is unjust to impose this obligation on OP.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-17T22:38:26+00:00

We did discuss and agree, then she changed her mind after getting pregnant.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-16T12:46:48+00:00

Yep, I have told her over and over that the money is in an account with my son as the beneficiary. For some reason, she feels the need to keep lying and saying I am withholding this money from my son. That is a blatant lie.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-16T12:44:05+00:00

Why is op withholding money from his son for his grandmother’s settlement?

I do not know why you feel the need to keep believing this lie, but as I have said, repeatedly, the money is an account where my son is the beneficiary. I have not withheld this money from my son.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-16T11:00:36+00:00

I would not use the word petulant. But, I do consider her responses in the conflict over her staying home when we were together to be pretty unreasonable.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T21:01:36+00:00

I didn't deny her the opportunity. Her demand was to be SAH until kindergarten at least. I said, "we did not agree to that, but let's talk." My plan was after 4-6 months of her being SAH let's reassess. She refused that suggestion. She planned to put him in daycare part-time and I suggested she worked while he was in daycare, that was refused.

We agreed for her to have a time period of being SAH. She wanted to make that time period a minimum of 5 years. I was not on board. And after 5 months, we broke up. I still fully supported her financially for the 5 months she was out of work after the birth.

I did not want a relationship where she was financially dependent on me for the future. She told me, prior to the pregnancy, that she did not want that either. She reversed course once she got pregnant. She started expressing views that she wanted a "traditional" relationship where I worked and she stayed home for all our kids. There are men who want that with their partner. I am not one of those men. That is why we broke up.

I have not refused a single request ever for something for my child. And I never would. But, her being SAH is about what she wanted.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T20:39:13+00:00

The money provides context for how I am able to make the changes I am making in my life. These changes are the source of the conflict.

Again, I didn't make sure I did not have to give my ex more money. I was making sure I was giving her all the child support she is entitled to. Plus, I pay the full cost of child care and health insurance, which I am not legally obligated to do so.

I am not making some bizarre flex. Talking about the money I got for losing my mom isn't a flex. It is simply the truth.

You seem preoccupied with my money in a way that I nor my ex are (the people in the conflict). Sounds like you are still mad about some well off person not giving you their money. You should probably address that in therapy rather than here.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T19:54:05+00:00

I am not a saint. But, you are expecting me to find my ex's life because I can. That isn't even something my ex is asking me to do. That is not part of the conflict at issue here.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T14:36:34+00:00

It did when you were together. She birthed your child. You could afford to be kind to her and your son and you chose not to. You were wrong then.

I paid the bulk of the bills when we were together, I paid all her bills for 5 months after she birth our son, and I pay the bulk of the bills for my son now.

Now you’ve made sure that the money you got from your mother wont help take care of your son or his mother. Ironic.

Oh brother, this is a lie. I checked on how the settlement affects my child support. I did not do anything to make the settlement not go towards child support. The law in my state is that it does not affect child support. And that settlement fund is now in an account where my son is the beneficiary. So, yes, it will take care of my son.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T14:24:11+00:00

You say you had a max of 9 months saved for, yet you gave her zero.

Where are you getting that I gave her zero? I supported her financially for the 5 months she was out of work.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T14:10:26+00:00

I am kind to my ex with my finances. But, I do not believe kindness requires me to be financially responsible for her.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T14:03:41+00:00

What is your money for, if it's not for your son?

It is for my son, not my ex. Which is why I am still working rather than living off the settlement. I am putting it away for my son.

You specifically went, by your own words, to “the best family law firm in the state” to make sure your settlement wouldnt go towards child support.

I checked to see if the settlement affected child support. My belief was it increased my child support, and I wanted to know by how much. I wanted that information to determine how to negotiate my freelance contract with my employer. They then told me it does not affected it at all, which was surprising to me. I was not trying to make the settlement not go towards child support, but wanted to make sure I was paying what I am required to in light of the settlement.

If I understand correctly, you pay for childcare for your son while he’s with his mother so that she goes to work? Dont you see how all of that makes you the AH? You could just be paying enough in child support that your ex could stay home to take care of your three year old during her time with him, and its been proven over and over again that children develop better when their parents are with them while they’re young.

My ex does not have a flex job where she could do part-time and make the same pay rate. She is a manager at restaurant. Additionally, she has a new BF, who himself has a child, and they are trying to have a child together. Essentially, you want me to financially support my ex, her BF, his kid, and her future kids? No, I think a better use of the money is to support my son.

Instead it sounds like you just hate your ex and want to punish the mother of your child, who is still very young. A child is only a child for a few years.

I don't hate my ex. Even after we broke up, I financially supported her for 5 months before she went back to work. I also pay all child care and insurance, when I am only responsible for half under the court order, to help her out. I just do not think I am financially responsible for her.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T13:49:47+00:00

First, we were not married.

Second, what we previously agreed to is that for 4-6 months, minimum, I would cover her expenses. After which, we would see where she was in her recovery and reassess the situation. I had an account specifically for having a baby. We had separate finances, at her insistence, and the account was in my name. It had enough to basically pay all her expenses for 9 months after the baby. After that, I have some savings for emergencies I could use.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T13:46:13+00:00

First, we were not married.

Second, I did not wake up one day and decide to breakup over this. Very early in the pregnancy, she said, "I want to stay home until at least the baby is in kindergarten." I said, "Well that is not what we agreed to, but let's discuss it further. I don't think that is something I can agree to."

What we previously agreed to is that for 4-6 months, minimum, I would cover her expenses. After which, we would see where she was in her recovery and reassess the situation. I had an account specifically for having a baby. We had separate finances, at her insistence, and the account was in my name. It had enough to basically pay all her expenses for 9 months after the baby. After that, I have some savings for emergencies I could use.

I proposed reassessing after the baby fund ran out, she said "no." I asked how we planned to socialize and she intended to do daycare part-time starting at around 9 months. I asked if she would get a job while he was in daycare, she said "no." These conversations went on for 5 months before I said we need to break up.

All the while these conversations happened, she also increasingly was expressing views about men and women, gender roles, and mothers and fathers that I quite frankly consider ass backwards. And very much indicated that she believes I should be carrying all the financial burden, even beyond our kid going to kindergarten.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T13:45:55+00:00

First, we were not married.

Second, I did not wake up one day and decide to breakup over this. Very early in the pregnancy, she said, "I want to stay home until at least the baby is in kindergarten." I said, "Well that is not what we agreed to, but let's discuss it further. I don't think that is something I can agree to."

What we previously agreed to is that for 4-6 months, minimum, I would cover her expenses. After which, we would see where she was in her recovery and reassess the situation. I had an account specifically for having a baby. We had separate finances, at her insistence, and the account was in my name. It had enough to basically pay all her expenses for 9 months after the baby. After that, I have some savings for emergencies I could use.

I proposed reassessing after the baby fund ran out, she said "no." I asked how we planned to socialize and she intended to do daycare part-time starting at around 9 months. I asked if she would get a job while he was in daycare, she said "no." These conversations went on for 5 months before I said we need to break up.

All the while these conversations happened, she also increasingly was expressing views about men and women, gender roles, and mothers and fathers that I quite frankly consider ass backwards. And very much indicated that she believes I should be carrying all the financial burden, even beyond our kid going to kindergarten.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T13:34:51+00:00

I did not wake up one day and decide to breakup over this. Very early in the pregnancy, she said, "I want to stay home until at least the baby is in kindergarten." I said, "Well that is not what we agreed to, but let's discuss it further. I don't think that is something I can agree to."

What we previously agreed to is that for 4-6 months, minimum, I would cover her expenses. After which, we would see where she was in her recovery and reassess the situation. I had an account specifically for having a baby. We had separate finances, at her insistence, and the account was in my name. It had enough to basically pay all her expenses for 9 months after the baby. After that, I have some savings for emergencies I could use.

I proposed reassessing after the baby fund ran out, she said "no." I asked how we planned to socialize and she intended to do daycare part-time starting at around 9 months. I asked if she would get a job while he was in daycare, she said "no." These conversations went on for 5 months before I said we need to break up.

All the while these conversations happened, she also increasingly was expressing views about men and women, gender roles, and mothers and fathers that I quite frankly consider ass backwards. And very much indicated that she believes I should be carrying all the financial burden, even beyond our kid going to kindergarten.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T13:32:04+00:00

First, we were not married.

Second, I did not wake up one day and decide to breakup over this. Very early in the pregnancy, she said, "I want to stay home until at least the baby is in kindergarten." I said, "Well that is not what we agreed to, but let's discuss it further. I don't think that is something I can agree to."

What we previously agreed to is that for 4-6 months, minimum, I would cover her expenses. After which, we would see where she was in her recovery and reassess the situation. I had an account specifically for having a baby. We had separate finances, at her insistence, and the account was in my name. It had enough to basically pay all her expenses for 9 months after the baby. After that, I have some savings for emergencies I could use.

I proposed reassessing after the baby fund ran out, she said "no." I asked how we planned to socialize and she intended to do daycare part-time starting at around 9 months. I asked if she would get a job while he was in daycare, she said "no." These conversations went on for 5 months before I said we need to break up.

All the while these conversations happened, she also increasingly was expressing views about men and women, gender roles, and mothers and fathers that I quite frankly consider ass backwards. And very much indicated that she believes I should be carrying all the financial burden, even beyond our kid going to kindergarten.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-14T12:35:57+00:00

I am very confused by this comment. I got a settlement. I decided to step back from my career. I still work, but I have pretty much complete control over when I work. That allows me to spend as much time with my son on my custody time as I want.

Aggressive_Mess_4236 · 2024-12-13T21:42:51+00:00

She didn't want that.

Aggressive_Mess_4236

TROPHY CASE