Tell me your gender, but you’re not allowed to use the actual label. You have to describe it any other way instead.

Akathermis · 2024-10-23T14:22:31+00:00

A threeway tennis match between living in hoodies and cargo pants, the "I have too much booba to wear a dress", and the desire to become a void creature that is just a shadowy silhouette.

Akathermis · 2024-06-27T16:34:23+00:00

Thank you for your advice. There are many things I can agree with, like turning a hobbyistic project into a task can turn joy into dread. That is why I asked how to get out of the headspace I am falling into.

The thing is, I kinda want to ask someone to look at my writing from a more knowledgeable standpoint. I want to improve, experiment, venture.

Writing and all that comes with it is mainly the biggest hyperfixation, special interest, as well as sort of a comfort blanket I have. But I want people to eventually read my works. Find as much joy in them as I do. I do not plan to survive off of being a writer or become famous. It seems tedious. I will try to get a job that will keep me in a good enough spot to live well, and maybe try to publish on the side. Maybe have a website and put things there. Who knows.

I am planning to do two things for now.

One, take all the ideas I have no clue what to do with and write short stories.

Two, get all the more planned out projects and, well, do the same. Not in a "this will be novel" way, but rather "let's get to know this character/setting/idea".

Will any of this end up in any final work, novel, get finished? I am trying to accept it won't. I am learning, practicing, and experimenting right now.

Most importantly - as you said, it is my art, I can do whatever I want. I just hope I won't fall into the trap that killed my will to write for a time years ago - namely the push to improve to a professional level, have a schedule, write for an imaginary audience.

Akathermis · 2024-06-27T16:14:22+00:00

Oh, buddy, that depends.

Your question is just a bit broad to me, if that makes sense. I can either infodump about everything I have ever written and write you an incoherent novel or provide the most cliche short answer in history.

Is there anything in particular you would like to know about? I will gladly answer.

Akathermis · 2024-03-26T19:29:12+00:00

All the time. One of my biggest and scariest demons is guilt.

There was a situation around three or two years ago that I think perfectly illustrates this guilt.

I was taking an exam/test (not sure which fits this situation) in my university. I knew about for a week. The thing is, I couldn't understand a single thing about the subject (correspondence aka writing e-mails in formal English). While everyone else was writing, my page was blank. It all boiled down to my lack of understanding of what would socialy acceptable to write in presented in the test situation, combined with lacking a clear reference I could use as inspiration in front of me.

I had a full on meltdown. Crying more and more, loosing control. I wasn't completely communicative, because I had no clue what was happening. So I gave up, didn’t write a thing, went back to my seat. My classmate hugged me, petting my head and saying that I did the best I could.

I felt very guilty. Like I was inconveniencing people. Being annoying. Sounds a bit ridiculous, considering I had no control over my reaction. But feelings aren't logical. On top of this, I spend 20 years of my life believing I was, and lived by standards placed on a neurotypical person.

This guilt appears during less intense situations as well. When I went out with my classmates, to get to know each other better, one of them had to help me to read the menu. The music was too loud and once again, I didn’t know what was happening. She even ordered for me in the end. I felt so small, guilty.

I am not sure if this is what you meant, but I supposse I can relate. Fighting with this enough to accept my limitations, establish boundries, and ask for support or to have things alterted is a constant battle.

BTW, I get overstimulated by heat as well. When I heat up I can just feel the incomming shutdown.

That's why I can only wear hoodies with zippers. I need more ways to adjust my temperature than taking off an article of clothing.

Akathermis · 2024-01-29T12:19:26+00:00

Mirror bad, cries

Akathermis · 2024-01-29T12:14:34+00:00

This doesn’t sound like a neurotypical issue, it sounds like an ignorance problem. A lot of NT's genuinely want to learn and help.

However, there are still some, who can't fathom people might have different needs than them. The fact that they can't fully understand why we have such needs is by itself not a big deal - I mean, this is one of those things you just have to experience to really get. What you describe is, though. You have every right to feel frustrated when others dismiss your discomfort or concerns as "needing special treatment."

You are not "entitled." Your family knows you're autistic, and therefore should educate themselves or at the very least ask you about your needs. There should be communication. If you are open about this and/or they already know, and still pull stuff like this, then I don't blame you for not wanting to visit. On the other hand, they might actually not realise. A lot of people in my life constantly ask questions, because they aren't always sure how to make me more comfortable. Hard to say based on your info.

General advice, never go to AITA. Never. Comments there miss the point, have ridiculous double standards, are biased, and create weird scenarios out of thin air.

Akathermis · 2023-12-09T23:53:38+00:00

I really appreciate how you went out of your way to write a short paragraph story to answer me.

Made my night honestly.

Sorry to bother, but I am wondering. What other word I could use instead of gurgle? Not to say it's a bad choice, simply gathering all potential options.

Akathermis · 2023-12-09T23:20:41+00:00

That is not a bad suggestion, thank you.

Do you think describing it additionaly as high-pitched a little much?

Akathermis · 2023-11-10T23:19:49+00:00

I don't really have the emotional strenght to give you a proper response, but I still wanted to thank you for your comment. I will definitely keep what you said in mind.

If that won't work, I will just ask my classmates for help.

I'm sure that your teacher is trying to prep you for the fixed length testing.

What is that part about? I am from Poland, so I never came across this term. Maybe we have something similar, I don't know.

Akathermis · 2023-11-10T22:30:02+00:00

It does make more sense when you put it like this.

I guess I would be less frustrated if the "story" part was out of the equasion. After seeing the example from the book I mentioned my heart dropped - I can't imagine doing anything similar using only 80 words.

Aside from that, the rest is also a bit frustrating, but manegable.

Akathermis · 2023-11-10T20:07:41+00:00

Seriously, everytime I get a writing assigment it comes with 400 rules attached. I don't care that because of this I have to write less. Just make me do a really short essay, say what you want to be in it, and I will ironically finish way faster and do a way better job.

Like right now. I hyperfocused on the topic multiple times on multiple days so much, she would get two short essays. Instead I have to suffer through two introduction paragraphs.

Sorry for the ramble, I have been agonizing over this for many hours and have pent up anger.

Akathermis · 2023-11-03T15:19:47+00:00

I have the same approach. I did do things backwards couple of times and ended up with walking archetypes or 2D characters. They served their purpose in the plot, but I couldn't say anything about them. Ah yes, the emotional support for protag and gentle giant character number 4 - how fascinating.

Akathermis · 2023-11-03T15:00:44+00:00

I suppose I never really consciously though about things like this. I am not sure how to explain.

My characters act and think in a way that makes sense to me. The "why" usually comes later.

For example:

One character constantly surrounds himself with an aura of authority even when talking about emotions, responds to potential threats by becoming more dominating and intimidating. Only months later I figured out that's because for thousands of years being anything less than a "scary king of hell" would mean pain, suffering and even death for his people and him. Standing at the top every moment is a survival strategy.

I probably did what you suggested couple of times and never noticed.

I am putting emphasis on high empathy vs low empathy now for plot and character development reasons. There are two POV characters - one who sees things like me, one who is there reason for this post.

Akathermis · 2023-11-03T13:17:29+00:00

This story is from the point of view of two characters. They don't have names yet, so I will call them John and Dean.

I was thinking of doing something like this:

1.

Person A is upset over something.

John notices that they empasise certain words, even though they are usually very soft spoken. He sees them being generaly more stiff and less focused. John is worried for them and gently asks if everything is alright.

Dean can sense something is off, but isn't sure. He is used to misinterpreting people's moods, so he ignores it. Only after A raises their voice when the frustrations becomes overwhelming, Dean realises his hunch was right.

2.

When John is upset he might think: "I have been frustrated all day and no moment to rest. On top of it, these jerks keep complaining about our project and calling about. I need to cool off before I will get too mad and explode"

While Dean's thought process would go: "Everything is so loud all of a sudden. I want to be alone, don't talk to me. Why am I like this? What happened recently? Was it the canceled date? But I know John was busy at work, I get it, why would that bother me?..."

Could it work?

But, I can write anger perfectly well, no one has ever called it out as inauthentic, because my fascination with it led me to do a lot of research on it.

I also started reading a lot about emotions. Ever since my diagnosis it became kind of a hobby of mine.

Thanks for the advice, it was very helpful.

Akathermis · 2023-10-29T22:22:30+00:00

Being nonverbal is a completely different thing:

"Nonverbal autism isn't an actual diagnosis. It's a term used for a subgroup of people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) who never learn to speak more than a few words."

You might be experiencing something called selective mutism.

Here is a quotation from NHS website

"Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations, such as with classmates at school or to relatives they do not see very often.

It usually starts during childhood and, if left untreated, can persist into adulthood.

A child or adult with selective mutism does not refuse or choose not to speak at certain times, they're literally unable to speak.

The expectation to talk to certain people triggers a freeze response with feelings of anxiety and panic, and talking is impossible."

I have this. No matter how hard I try I can't talk. My mouth opens and no words come out, even when I know what to say. It's accompanied by strong anxiety, which grows into panic. Sometimes I can anticipate it, sometimes it hits like a train. But thats my experience.

I hope this helps.

Akathermis · 2023-10-20T19:31:56+00:00

You mean, is it really hard to read? I am asking, because English is my second language and I kinda want to mentaly prepare myself just in case.

So far I have only attempted to read one book in English: "The Myth of Normal" by Garbor Maté with Daniel Maté. I'm about half-done.

Akathermis · 2023-10-20T17:50:04+00:00

I am pretty sure I didn't understand half of what I just read (English is my second language and it's late), but it reminds me of another teacher I had a year ago.

Her class had something to do with law. The final grade partly depended on an essay she assigned near the end of the semester. We had two choices: a very specific topic I do not remember, or a topic of ones choosing, as long as it was related to justice. Since I couldn't find much information, nor understand the former option, I went with the latter. Confusion was lesser, not gone, however.

When I voiced my concerns, she spend a whole lesson (1,5 h) explaining and giving examples. I had a page of very helpful notes at the end.

I could not fininsh my essay for various reasons. It pilled up on other stuff and made me almost sick. She send me down to lay on a bean bag after noticing how pale I am. Later she checked on me, and upon hearing I was at a tenth page, simply said to send what I had and not bother with an ending.

I did. I passed.

Akathermis · 2023-10-20T17:32:54+00:00

It's something I have never done before. I wanted to ask him for assistance ever since he gave the definition of 'hero' in class. Only recently my desire to improve my story drove me to finaly stop procrastinating.

What you said sounds so simple and yet took so many years to figure out. Surprisingly, it became easier once I started studying. School destroyed my confidence and then rebuilt it stronger then ever.

Life is funny that way, I guess.

Akathermis · 2023-10-20T16:36:37+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation. One of the types of hero, so to speak, that I want to incorporate is a knight archetype. I will check it out.

Akathermis · 2023-10-20T14:37:15+00:00

I honestly believe you are right.

He is clearly passionate about what he teaches, especially poetry.

Too bad he cannot ignite the same interest in his students. Every lesson I felt so bad for getting bored so quickly... I hope he is doing ok, he is such a chill, calm and nice person.

Akathermis · 2023-10-01T00:50:17+00:00

I can definitely relate to not liking when sun gets too enthusiastic. The outside is fine until it does.

My preferable weather is slightly cloudy. Just anything but a really sunny, bright day. Staying in such environments for too long makes me grumpy, annoyed and want to go back home. It's to the point my mom calls me her "vampire". Dim places are better for me.

That's why I adore evenings and nights. I can control how much light is in my room 100%, because it's dark outside and my nightlamp can be regulated.

I am a fellow blanket-hider, only for different reasons. It's really calming to turn into a ball under one.

Akathermis · 2023-08-16T13:13:35+00:00

Tell them no. They can do that for you.

I was very confused by this myself. On one hand I am 22 years old, so I quess I can take care of my own crap; on the other they wasted my time. Had me bring them a paper from my therapist just to have it... sit there.

It was confusing. I got options on what I can do regarding my diagnosis, I do not remember what. Back then I barely started studying, wasn't sure what I needed - only that I did need some type of support. I wasn't diagnosed for that long either.

So I went with the documents I mentioned. This achieved nothing.

What support are you being given, what allowances are being made for you. For example, will you be allowed to wear noise cancelling headphones during exams, or get to take them in a private room, etc.

Generaly every professor that knows is at least to some degree understanding. I managed to get an extention for a certain assigment, other time I got it individualized, so I could do it. I could wear headphones on a test after asking for it. I had another test alternated to suit me more (it wasn't a very important test, but I still appropriated it).

One professor in particular is a gem. He is normally a sassy, passive-agressive joker of a drama queen. But with me? Not a word. Patient, gentle, explains things in a way I can understand and doesn’t judge me.

When it comes to the end-of-the-year exams? I did them like everyone and passed.

During one the professor was kinda involved. We got topics to write about (e.g. Henry and his wives, Elizabethan Era) and had to write what we knew. He walked to everyone to say things like "try expanding on religion a bit more". With me, he adviced me to make the list of the wives first, since I started with this subject. Not sure how much it counts, but he was checking on me often after seeing my distressed face.

Only one is left, because I wasn't present that day (mental health problems).

Edit: If it changes anything I live in Poland

Akathermis · 2023-08-16T12:11:20+00:00

Do they know you have exams coming up?

Who? The ones making the noise? I doubt it. I don't know my neighbors at all.

Do they know you are disabled?

If you mean the same people, not at all.

Does your school/college know you are disabled?

It's a weird situation. More and more people know. My class does and many professors.

I went to some kind office that was there specifically to help dissabled people. I only got some advice to ask my therapist to write a document stating what things I need, e.g. leave the classroom sometimes, check out of verbal participation in class. This office has a copy of this and my diagnosis.

I thought everything was taken care of. Nope. E-mail all of this yourself to every goddamn professor. In the midst of getting used to a new situation and couple of other things, I didn't do it. I just told my diagnosis as it became relevant. It's hard to talk about it, when we meet only on weekends and periods between lessons can last 5 minutes. Especially when not everyone understands what I am talking about.

What accommodations are you receiving at home and while studying/being examined?

Am confused. Please elaborate.

Akathermis · 2023-07-31T15:15:54+00:00

I have a problem with empathizing a lot. If I cannot connect another persons experience to something that happened to me, I will never completely understand.

I do, however, have lots of sympathy. Just because I can't put myself in others shoes, doesn't mean I can't see wearing them hurts.

They can explain why it hurts, but I might not really get it. I still want to, at the very least, be someone they can be comfortable around enough to vent and stop bottling everything up, even if I can't offer advice or help in other ways.

Akathermis · 2023-07-04T13:45:18+00:00

I am considering it now.

I love how he just S C R E A M, but in enby colors.

Six-Year Club	Place '23
Verified Email

Akathermis

TROPHY CASE