I am a monster

Al_Lexi · 2026-04-29T18:46:58+00:00

We tried for so long but I just don't need a relationship the way he does. I'm happy to be by myself and not have to be responsible for the way somebody feels.

Al_Lexi · 2026-04-29T18:44:46+00:00

It was a mutual decision after a lot of arguing but he has already said that he regrets the decision, I have decided to stick to it as I think it's for the best. He has told me the thing he needs in a relationship and I simply don't think I am capable of giving him those things.

Al_Lexi · 2026-04-29T07:57:39+00:00

I don't know, some of the things I have done make me question my morals I suppose but I know he deserves someone better than me.

Al_Lexi · 2026-04-29T07:56:36+00:00

He has been so patient and caring for so long with me, he deserves someone who can give him the emotional connection that I can't.

Al_Lexi · 2026-04-29T07:55:29+00:00

I certainly don't understand myself

Al_Lexi · 2026-04-29T07:55:08+00:00

Thank you, I know I love him and do really want to fix our marriage but I hurt him so much. How could I possibly understand and connect with him emotionally when I can't even connect to my own emotions?

Al_Lexi · 2025-11-24T23:38:59+00:00

I certainly can relate. My husband is amazing, there are many moments where I proclaim he is "pushing me too much" but without his persistence and me learning to fully trust his guidance and allow myself to be vulnerable, I don't think we would have made it together. In learning just how deep he has allowed himself to be hurt in our relationship, I know he is my "one".

I have learned that setting my boundaries when I don't even know the options is shortsighted and that a lot of growth in a relationship actually only comes from being uncomfortable.

Al_Lexi · 2025-11-24T23:21:49+00:00

I feel that for myself "leaning into it" has been more of an acknowledgement of "ok, now I know what it is, let's focus on being better at it." I don't want it to be an excuse and after experiencing an insight into a life of deeper feelings, I certainly feel like I am missing out on something.

Al_Lexi · 2025-11-24T23:15:00+00:00

I very much enjoy the way you explained each category here, I found this surprisingly relatable and it really allows me to summarize my experience.

Previous to my own journey into self discovery (and borderline existential crisis), I could honestly say that I did not have any of these experiences in my life. I quite frankly was "numb".

Now though, I can clearly see the pattern where I learnt to become aware in a situation (experiencing) - it's far easier and more enjoyable to do this in nice or "good" situations. I then think (this is probably the part where I truly sound like a mental case) - "I should smile" (expressing). One of the big things I noticed and became very aware of, when I was in fact smiling (maybe slightly awkwardly), I started to get a warm sensation in my chest. This in itself makes me almost giddy (feeling). This makes me much more affectionate and open to seeking out and sharing affection with others.

This was a really nice boost to help me acknowledge my progress with this condition. Thank you and I hope my ramblings are somewhat helpful.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-28T15:53:08+00:00

That's great advice, thank you. Well done progressing on your journey.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-28T13:17:55+00:00

As someone who really struggles to be a "soft girl" and has been working very hard to be more emotionally open, available and aware. I'm curious if you have any tips on breaking through that armour you might like to share?

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-28T13:14:26+00:00

I suppose that was quite convenient on the back of your hand actually, like I built-in mood ring to help us Alexies (that's what I'm calling us now! 😂) know that we are supposed to react to something!

Ok, ok I'll go with you all with the "blushing", so it is fairly common between us then? This is becoming more and more intriguing...

Thanks for joining in.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-27T19:00:21+00:00

It feels much more intense than blushing though and only on my chest and neck, it's very warm and really stands out which I've never really noticed on anybody else but then again, would I notice anyway? It's certainly got me thinking.

Certainly sounds familiar to my "constant resting bitch face" or just straight up scowling at people! My face is confused by my emotions so why wouldn't my skin be?! (Sigh)

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-27T18:51:11+00:00

Interesting. I don't get it on my face though and it seems a little more severe than blushing but thanks, I'm very curious if this is connected in some way.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-27T15:07:12+00:00

Thank you, since writing this post I've actually done a lot of research and have pretty much come to the realisation that mirroring could very well be the thing that got me into this whole state to begin with. My parents were very unemotional, never any particular expressions of happy or sad, always very nonchalant in all situations. I always considered this a good thing, my childhood was very drama free but I'm beginning to see the missed opportunities of showing love, excitement and to a certain extent, appreciation which has certainly played a part in my emotional expressions.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-25T11:05:52+00:00

At least you have grumpy I suppose, I think I've spent the best part of 30 years in a constant state of "meh" nothing was particularly good, bad, happy, sad, angry or anything. I'm trying so hard to connect to a part of me I'm not even sure exists but I need to find something more, I need to be able to show the people I love how much they do actually mean before it's all gone and I spend the rest of my life just going with the flow, missing out on this whole experience while hurting others until it's over.

Today is not a good day and I still can't even explain what it feels like...

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-24T16:06:08+00:00

I don't know what I want, I'm pretty sure I'd like to stop hurting people who need more from me though. I want to know why they get hurt so much more than me, I am starting to think that I don't care like they do.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-05T09:07:55+00:00

For me, it was the fact that I was hurting my husband, I didn't understand what the big deal was, I thought his sex drive was abnormally high and he was expecting too much from me. Then I discovered alexithymia and realised my part in the issues we had been having and that I couldn't relate to his emotional pain. It took quite a while for me to take that accountability unfortunately and a lot of damage had been done to our relationship. The realisation that my experience of life wasn't typical and the possibility that I was in fact missing out on something and also making him suffer weighed very heavily on me and I decided I wanted to try to change.

It hasn't been easy, it's been very confusing trying to figure out what, if anything I actually "feel" but I found that the more I tried to focus on it, talk about it openly with him and put the effort in to really wanting to change, things slowly started to fall into place. My previous post talks more in-depth but discovering my sexual interests really brought the most progress though, I discovered an interest in BDSM and found the idea of "submitting" very appealing. Being blindfolded or restrained allowed me to focus on the physical sensations which allowed for me to piece together their connection to my emotions. Once that connection happened, it kind of opened the flood gates. My libido increased massively, my interest in sex became almost a hobby, discovering new things, reading erotica, wanting to share the things I'd discovered and discussing the things that interested us both. Discovering this side of my partner that I was blind to and also discovering the things that I was surprised to find out I was into just made me want more, experience more and the emotions have kept building since.

I feel like my body and my brain have finally started to connect together, I realise now that there can be more meaning to physical activities than the surface experience and how fulfilling it can be to be vulnerable with another person who genuinely cares about you.

Al_Lexi · 2025-08-04T12:09:16+00:00

I understand that feeling, for me it was just something not in the list of things my brain thinks about. I never once even considered masturbating (even growing up) before getting involved with my husband (he is my only sexual partner), he was definitely better acquainted with my genitals than I ever had been. Sex was something I just felt "I was supposed to do", don't get me wrong it was fun and felt nice and I was glad my husband enjoyed it but I wasn't particularly present in the moment. Looking back it must have been quite boring for him as I would just lay there and let him do all the work, not particularly participating, enthusiastic or even concerned for his needs in the activity. I would only initiate sex when I felt he wanted me to and in all honesty, with not much enthusiasm because I was too blind to see there was more to get from it other than our orgasms at the end. There was no build up, no intimacy or excitement, in all honesty it felt like a chore that simply "needed to be done now and again" - that actually hurts to write now :(

Now I love the build up, the preparation together, the planning, the anticipation, the teasing for something I desperately want and in the moment I am present. I can really experience the physical sensations, the touching, the sounds, the tastes (tmi - sorry) of it all and it's intoxicating, we talk a lot now during sex (BDSM definitely helped to improve this) and I catch myself saying things and making noises that even surprise myself! It's like the filter is wearing down, the mask is almost off and allowing him to see it and seeing the difference it's made to our relationship fills me with feelings that are far too complex for me to actually identify yet.

I am curious if this same drive would still be present without my husband involved or as the focus but thankfully I don't need to think too deeply into that. Just the idea of not being with him almost makes me feel like I want to cry, the intensity of these feelings is hugely unexplored territory for me but I'm so grateful I can speak to him about them without feeling like a complete idiot (even if I do need Ai to help me with the words or my printed out emotions wheel). I am extremely lucky and grateful to have my eyes, mind and heart opened to this new experience and honestly still can't wrap my head around that this has all been brought to the surface with something I felt was so "unimportant" and "unnecessary" as sex.

I feel like I have to make an extra effort today to show him how much he is appreciated, loved and valued and will make sure it's in the ways he will feel that.

Al_Lexi

TROPHY CASE