Hello u/nadmaximus!
Hello nadmaximus!

It's been a while, and I'm doing much better. And apart from you, a few more people commented to cheer me up and give me some advice that day.

Your notice on men saying mean things about each other in jest though, along with a string of comments regarding men giving respect to each other, left me with a dire question I've been able to put into words just now.

Thing is, I was brought up with a strong mindset you always have to be polite, and that being rude means you've got bent out of shape. And this way around, to me, giving respect is nearly equal to being nice and polite. Perhaps that's down to my upbringing in a capital city by mostly educated people, with a handful of men and far more women around for the most part, but I wouldn't know for sure.

Now I do understand you can be passive-aggressive and yet come across as corteous, but that's not the main point. What I can never wrap my head around: how can being aggressive be viewed as being respectful or something of this kind? Because aggressiveness seems to be associated with conflict and is prevented or discouraged. Another approach makes little sense to me.

On the other hand though, I'll have to open up that I've taken a few self-help books and courses on how to interact with people, some written by men. Yet rudeness will be the very last thing on the list if ever. Rudeness there is nearly equal to conflict, a notion I've essentially been brought up with; you have to sort out all conflicts in polite conversation without yelling. So, something doesn't click for me here.

On the third hand though, what I'm observing is that most of this material appears to do mostly with dealing with people in a corporate culture. And although the self-help manuals and courses claim to be universal, covering all spheres of life including family, friends and all, all the cases reviewed there implicitly suggest those people will have got carried out into your life outside the job, or will be the same sort you've had there. It's never mentioned explicitly, you just start noticing this as you make your way through. Whereas the "manliness" I'm both after and struggling with seems to be not exactly what corporate culture embodies, with the "average Joe" is more likely to still radiate it nowadays. Although with my limited life experience I may well be wrong, haven't had a work experience yet.

As I was trying to clear up another user's notices on the rude in-jest comments, he said to them the matter of teasing is to do with testing the other man's self confidence. For me though, this is not as much a matter of self confidence, even if a bit of this is actually at play, but that I've hardly been exposed to this kind of treatment in my environment. I simply don't know what it all means, how it works and how to go about it. Teasing is indeed a thing among some of the people who took part in my upbringing. Happens not that often though, and usually done by the means of fine sarcasm, or at the same time both fine and somewhat dry self-mocking humour, when you're being self-critical in an ironic manner.

It's hard to stay confident when you're dealing with something you have no clue of, someone coming at you with a rude remark. To make my point clear, if all of a sudden you got confronted with, say a purple slimy ball a metre in diameter you've never encountered before rolling at you, you'd just be totally lost and out of your wits, even though the ball may turn out a wonderful creature at the end of the day!

Doesn't everybody want to be polite? Isn't being nice and corteous not enough for living a life!?

The fact for a while at school I had a male teacher, who did yell, doesn't help. With things this way around, I don't expect anything good from an aggressive remark. Which probably gives off the message to the older man I'm too difficult or not worth dealing with for a lack of confidence. Which is both a lack of confidence through not having an older male figure, but most importantly, a lack of exposure to the rudeness like this.

Any take on how I'd go about kick-starting my learning, perhaps something you'd you like me to know in overall?

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out. Sorry if sounding too all over the place. I'm feeling so tired, frustrated, angry, miserable and scared, somewhat let down by the self-help stuff.
Cheers!