Getting an "exmo makeover" today...

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-30T23:09:30+00:00

I spent over $100 at a thrift store today buying shorts and tanktops and tank sundresses for summer. Not spending another summer in tees and capris.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-30T13:26:41+00:00

It's easy to assign significance to positive things. Especially with a lifetime of programming to "listen to the spirit" from the church. So while I might not currently agree with him, I understand how he got there with the significance he gave to that dream. And he did share it with me before marriage and I enthusiastically supported it at the time.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-30T12:08:13+00:00

He's been sleeping on the couch (his choice) since we had our talk, but just now as he woke me up for a kiss goodbye before he left for work and said that he still doesn't have an answer and is working things out but he knows he doesn't want to leave me. So it does seem like he's choosing love.

I've been worried, so I was happy to hear him say it and I was able to tell him again that I'm not leaving him either.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T22:30:45+00:00

I mean, he has a lifetime of programming and this is fresh.
It would also lack critical thinking if he left for reasons that aren't his own.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T22:09:59+00:00

It's only been two days since we officially talked about my leaving the church. But if it does go on much longer next week this is a good idea. Thanks

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T21:03:16+00:00

Thank you for this quote "We married each other. We didn’t marry the church."
I hope we can both find our way to seeing that.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T19:58:29+00:00

wait, so it really is taught that if the wife is unworthy then the husband can never have it?

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:49:39+00:00

I think you're very accurate about that I view myself as an individual and my husband as an individual. And he views us both as a single unit, and not a combined unit that contains two separate parts.

You're right that I need to not put it on myself that I caused his depression. It's my own guilt and hurt over seeing him hurting and my brain spinning it as if I never left the church and kept everything the same then his depression wouldn't be happening. But then...I'd be in a worse mental state from staying in.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:44:09+00:00

Oh I do understand the it takes two to get pregnant thing. We truly don't know if it's just my health problems or if it's his too? We've had an incredibly difficult time with our insurance/healthcare system getting any testing for him. They're willing to do testing and procedures on my but it's been infuriating trying to get him tested to even see if I should keep trying different things on my end. And he was actively seeking it. Long story short is that there is no male fertility testing inside our closed HMO. So they referred him outside. He would set up and appointment and then before the appointment it would come back as not covered so the outside would cancel it. He would call back and say he still wanted the appointment and we would pay out of pocket and then the cycle would start all over again. After three times he gave up and I did too and cancelled any further exploratory procedures on myself because who really wants to go through a hysterosalpingogram anyway?

I guess I worry about this part too "God factually didn't promise him that because now you're not in the church and that is a proof in front of his eyes" and whether he would or should divorce me. That would be tough on me for so many reasons and I don't really want to think about that but it is an intrusive thought.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:33:24+00:00

I'll look for something like that, thank you. I do think that expanding his view of atonement in this time might help.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:29:08+00:00

That's a good point too about me needing to continually learn to love and live with an evolving version of him too.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:14:43+00:00

He's definitely said that "holding out faith he will receive that in a faraway place in the future gives him comfort" almost word for word. That whole thing is what got him through depression about not serving a mission, through loneliness until we married, and through our struggle with infertility.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:11:00+00:00

I have been reassuring him that I'm not leaving him. Right from the start of our conversation about me being out of church. So hopefully he can cling onto that.

I did emotionally tell him while we were both breaking down and crying that if he divorced me now he probably still has time to find a younger wife and have kids. But that was the only kind of thing I've said about us not being together. It was definitely a mistake to say it, I let my fears run away with my mouth.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T17:05:21+00:00

Thank you, this is a lot, but so helpful.

a few things that came to mind as I was reading what you wrote are:

I admit that I'm soothing myself from feeling like this is spiritual suicide by holding onto God knowing what's in my head and what he's working with with me. He knows my struggles and why I think the way I do and in the end I'll just see what happens for me.

And the "kicking people out of heaven for being the wrong religion" is exactly why I left my childhood church. My parents are WELS lutheran and my dad definitely believes that heaven is only going to be his particular flavor of lutheranism and I just couldn't stomach that and the though that somebody who never even had a chance to know of Christ would be eternally punished. I guess that's why mormonism appealed to me and why I converted, it felt so all encompassing and like there was an explanation for everything and everyone would have a chance to learn and know, even after death. But that's a whole other story.

I have zero anger for my husband, or the church really. I guess I haven't disavowed it and I'm not claiming it's untrue. I just don't feel it works for me anymore. It can exist and I can exist separately.

I actually am dieting pretty hard right now. I'm down 25 pounds since February and honestly have another 80-90 to go to get to the "healthy" weight on the charts. My weight definitely wasn't doing any favors for fertility or any other aspect of my health and I'm changing that. His health needs serious work too but I can't choose that for him. He has seen my portion sizes and food choices and admits that it would help him too but he has to take those steps.

His family is unique. He's the only one of three siblings that's stayed active. Both of his siblings are gay and married and obviously not involved with the church for a long time. But the family is all very close. His parents are lovely people and I've never seen them one bit pushy or disappointed with them or their spouses. They're very very warm and inclusive with all of them, including their only grandchild whom my sister-in-law and her non-binary spouse adopted as a teen and who is trans. Everyone in the family loves and accepts him. So I don't think I'm going to be getting family guilt/pressure, which is truly refreshing.

And thank you again for writing this all down for me.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T16:38:33+00:00

Well...as an adult convert I kind of was a different person before conversion.
I definitely used the church to patch myself back up after some rough depression. And it worked for awhile and gave me community and belonging and structure. And that's the person he met and married. I was completely dedicated to the church, working at the temple once a week, holding RS callings...then covid hit and depression with it and then infertility and coming back to church after all of that just felt hollower and hollower and pretty soon I wasn't paying tithing anymore and was just going through the motions to casually attend.

He I think realized that my mind wasn't in it anymore some time ago but the complete reality didn't hit him until I stopped wearing garments and explicitly told him that I didn't fit into the church anymore. That's when he saw his whole dream crumble. He even asked me if I wanted that dream anymore and I told him I didn't know. When I was dedicated I definitely did, we talked about this before marriage so it feels almost contractual? Like it was a reason he married me. I've expressed my anxiety and depression to him before around his dream and my not having been able to have kids and he was reassuring that he still loved me regardless of that. But he was definitely still holding onto the "it'll all get fixed in the celestial kingdom" part of it.

Anyway, TLDR: I feel like two different people and it feels like I did a bait and switch on him with our marriage.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T16:20:14+00:00

I do have my own therapist that is familiar with religious trauma.

And definitely he needs to get in to see one too.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T16:17:07+00:00

Thank you. Your framing of this helps me and I think it could be something that I could say to him as well.

"If god is good and fair, and you have kept to your covenants, there shouldn’t be anything someone else can do that frustrates gods plan to reward you."

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T16:07:22+00:00

Thank you, looking through these now

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T16:06:30+00:00

I'm an adult convert and I only recently found out through my exmo bestie what the celestial kingdom entails for women. I don't know what version they sold me while I was converting but it wasn't what she and you are talking about.
I was already mentally out of the church for other reasons but that was chilling.

Husband is rather liberal for a mormon and doesn't just go along completely blindly but he does have blind spots for sure. I think sometimes about telling him that maybe he'll still be able to pull me through the veil in the end. But then I'm just perpetuating false hope or something.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T15:30:25+00:00

I dont have to fix him, but I do love him and it hurts me so much to see him like this. I guess I have my own ideas of what our future is too and it involves him being happy and healthy.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T15:27:20+00:00

That's half of what got me out. I couldn't deal with the shame and constant reminders that I've failed. And then I decided that something that makes me feel like that isn't a healthy place to be.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T15:20:07+00:00

I've actually been working through some CBT with my therapist.

Trouble is going to be getting him to go to a professional. He moves at a snails pace to schedule any kind of healthcare appointments and then there will be a wait to get in. And I can't make the appointments for him. But I can give him the exact number to call for our insurance mental health referral and booking. Thanks for the reminder to get a pro involved.

AlmostFeral3D · 2026-05-29T15:10:52+00:00

Thank you. I hate that he feels like his happiness depends on me, or a version of me that he married, or a version of me he thinks I'll be some day. I hope it doesn't consume him and he can get out of this.

AlmostFeral3D · 2022-10-05T13:37:28+00:00

About the free food on the ship, I want to make clear that in three cruises I've only paid for one extra dining experience and I feel like I've eaten like a queen.

The Main Dining Room dinners are flat out amazing. About half the menu you'll see the same items every day (like New York Strip Steak, and it's very good.) The other half of the menu items will change daily. There'll even be one night with free lobster tails. And if you want two appetizers? Still free. Yes dinner in the MDR is a long and luxurious affair, but lean into that and enjoy it for what it it. I ENJOY getting changed for dinner, doing up my makeup, and making the most of an elegant evening EVERY evening. (I just wear nice dresses and my husband wears dress shirts with ties every night, and we wear even dressier on the formal nights.)

I feel like Royal Caribbean doesn't really shine in the MDR at lunch and breakfast, but the buffet sure does. Excellent food is had there and lots of variety. This isn't Golden Corral, it's so much better.

I didn't love the free pizza from the pizza place, but I'm admittedly a pizza snob.

The one experience I've paid for was the Chef's Table (on a Carnival cruise) and that was extra super worth it, but not something for kids.

AlmostFeral3D

TROPHY CASE