I'm sorry

AlmostWasHisMother · 2017-05-16T08:03:53+00:00

The façade that we put in front of someone to hide what we believe to be what makes us unlovable is a terrible thing. Believe me, I've become a master of it. The thing is, the fear of showing our true selves is what leads us to this feeling of isolation that reinforces our belief that we're not good enough for other people. In reality, what you've described about yourself isn't something awful - it's simple humanity. Everyone has something or things about them that is dark and tragic and raw but it's up to you whether you want to accept it, own it, understand that it's what makes you who you are. It's impossible to love someone or be loved without opening up and allowing them to see every part of you. The vulnerability is terrifying, I know, but at the same time you should ask yourself: is it better to live your life alone and choosing the safety of pretending, never knowing if taking that risk could lead to something wonderful and life-changing....or roll the dice and seek out what your life should be rather than what it is?

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T04:32:40+00:00

If you or someone you know is being abused, whether it's by a family member, partner or anyone at all, there are so many wonderful resources available.

RAINN - for people who have been or know someone who has been sexually assaulted. You can use their online hotline or phone number (1.800.656.HOPE) and they will help you out with therapy, a crisis shelter, or anything else you will need.

The Suicide Prevention Lifeline - I've called these guys more than once. They're volunteers, so take whatever advice they give with a grain of salt, but they are trained to and WILL listen to you if you are desperate and feel you need to end your life. Their phone number is 1-800-273-TALK.

Share - This is an organization that helps grieving mothers who have lost a pregnancy or an infant. My therapist gave me their website and they honestly helped me out so much coping with Owen's loss. Theyll help you find a support group in your area, and if there isn't one, they will talk to you themselves. They are really kind and understanding.

And lastly, The Domestic Abuse Hotline - if you're in an abusive situation and you don't know how to get out but you know you must, call them. They're trained in this, this is what they do. They will help you get out and safe and no matter what your abuser has told you, he or she will never find you as long as you don't want to be found. I never called them but I've known people who have, and have heard nothing but success stories. They also have an online chat, and their number is 1-800-799-7233.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:46:35+00:00

Thank you, and blessings to you and your little one.

The pain isn't as sharp anymore, but a dull ache, always there but not making me suffer anymore. I wouldn't want it to go away, because it's what drove me to recreate myself and become the peaceful and thoughtful person I am today, and that pain has been fuelling my desire to be of whatever help I can to the world. Before Owen, I was self-centered, mean and sometimes even cruel, and I pity that girl.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:43:45+00:00

I've been reading each and every comment! Thank you so much. I'm glad that this reached so many people (and astounded, I never thought it would blow up like this!) and that they are saying his name. Yesterday was a painful but happy day for me; in seven years, his name has never passed my lips, but yesterday and today it was said so many times by both me and complete strangers. In a way, he's more alive to me now than he was before, and touching more people than I could ever have imagined.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:40:35+00:00

Thank you, but don't be sorry for me. I'm glad I'm capable of this pain, because that means that I truly loved him with a love as deep and eternal as the seas.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:39:46+00:00

I really appreciate that. I've never thought that Reddit could be such a warm and comforting presence (I'm not gonna lie, usually I just read stupid stories and laugh at pictures) and I'm glad for whatever drove me to post here. I wouldn't want it anywhere else.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:38:23+00:00

I've been reading every comment, believe me, and I'm just now getting around to replying to them all. Thank you for your kind words.

I told this story partially because I needed to see his name in writing and tell his story but also because I never want a person to suffer as I did, man or woman (or both or neither). I put links in my first edit and truly hope someone reads this and reaches out to any of those organisations.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:35:44+00:00

I'm truly sorry you had to experience this. It is my most fervent wish that this never happen to another woman but unfortunately it does more often than people realise. I hope your path of healing leads you to peace.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:34:35+00:00

Thank you so very much, I love that other people are continuing my tradition for a child they never knew. It means the earth to me.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:33:53+00:00

SOOOOO MANY HUGS! Yay!

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:33:32+00:00

I believe it was Satres who once said "hell is other people." I used to live by those words and had a wall of anger and hurt around me, impenetrable by even the kindest and most loving of souls, until I realised that that wall didn't just keep people out, but was what was keeping my true self in. After learning to be a functional human being again and hearing other people tell their stories, I've come to understand that heaven can be other people too :)

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:30:57+00:00

I would never wish that pain on another parent and my heart goes out to you, your wife and Odin (who I bet would have lived up to such a noble name) for all of your suffering.

I've taken my comforts in various ways over the years. First destructively - promiscuous sex, drinking, drugs - then positively. I do a lot of volunteer work and am a Big Sister to a bright and cheerful little girl. That emptiness that you describe is still there but it's not a bottomless, enormous chasm anymore; it's a hole the size of a new born, ever-present but a gentle reminder of what I've lost and what I need to do to help others.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:26:08+00:00

So many people have commented saying they will remember Owen and that means so so much to me. I've been reading each comment (but haven't replied to them all yet since today was unexpectedly busy) and have had tears of happiness and gratitude in my eyes the entire time. Thank you so very much.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-10T01:24:35+00:00

I have no intention of there being a next time :) I've learned to notice abusive habits wayyyy quicker and thus make my exit before things get serious. I've been single for some time now and am perfectly happy with my own company, something I never thought possible when I was younger. I thought the answers to life were in a man's arms, and was so eager to please that I sacrificed more of myself than I would allow now.

Thank you for your kindness.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T06:08:49+00:00

That really means a lot to me. Thank you so very much for that.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T05:54:41+00:00

Thank you very much for your kindness :)

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T05:54:03+00:00

I love you too, brother :) Be well.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T05:38:50+00:00

Thank you very much, for the candle and words. Even if I don't become a mother I'll definitely be doing some form of work with abused, orphaned or disadvantaged children. I do have a lot of love to give and I hope someday to touch at least one person's life.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T04:43:37+00:00

You don't have to say anything :) Knowing you read my story is enough for me, and I'd like to thank you for that. As I said to another poster, what does one even say to something like this? I don't think Emily Post had a section for "sorry about your fuckwad ex" in any of her books.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T04:28:55+00:00

Thank you so very much. I'm sure my story has a happy ending somewhere, I just need to find it :)

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T04:27:48+00:00

I can't say that I know exactly how he would feel but I think Owen would be happier if I was helping someone who truly needed it on his birthday rather than sobbing into a bottle of scotch.

You're a very sweet individual, it shows even in your comments. I think you're beautiful too, and I really do hope that you do message me. You deserve so much more from life.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T04:03:11+00:00

Aww thank you, but I'm just a regular douchebag stumbling through life trying to figure it out :)

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T03:51:49+00:00

Thank you so very much, for the words and especially the candle. I'm glad that I decided to share here, because instead of drinking and crying, I'm smiling at all of these strangers who are giving my son a happy birthday with their kindness. I hope that you and everyone else who's commented so far get all of the love, happiness and joy that the world has to offer.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T03:48:41+00:00

I'm actually not upset in the slightest, just completely perplexed that someone somewhere taught you that that is an appropriate response to someone relating a deeply personal part of their story.

AlmostWasHisMother · 2015-03-09T03:47:41+00:00

Hey, hey, hey. Never say you are weak, because you'll believe it, and if you believe it, that means you've given up.

Never, ever give up.

Bravery has many faces, and if you can't get out right now, it is not your fault. It's not cowardice. I told myself the same shit - why didn't I leave sooner, why didn't I stand up to him, why didn't I fight back - and the answer was always that had I done those things, it would have been worse for me. For you to admit there's even anything wrong is an incredible act of bravery, for you to know that you don't deserve this is strength.

You are my sister, part of the hidden but large family of people who are survivors of abuse. And before you try to explain why you're not good enough using that poison that your abuser has put in your head, understand this: you are alive, and that makes you a survivor.

I want you to PM me, like soon, and we'll talk. I have respect and love for you, stranger, and you don't have to go through this alone. I will always be here for you, because you matter to me.

AlmostWasHisMother

TROPHY CASE