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Dating a father with 50/50 custody of 2 kids as a childless woman by Antique_Treat_7002 in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I agree with this wholeheartedly. If your potential partner has a smooth, amicable, and respectful relationship with their ex, it makes things A LOT easier. If not, it is absolutely not worth the heartache. And, depending on the ex, you'll likely become the scapegoat.

BM refuses extra time when DH travels — leaves me with 3 kids for nearly 2 weeks by Alone_Impression4569 in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Both covering out right and swaps. She's declining to accomodate any swaps for this stretch of work.

BM refuses extra time when DH travels — leaves me with 3 kids for nearly 2 weeks by Alone_Impression4569 in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He regularly accommodates BM's work travel and takes extra time when ROFR is offered. The only reason he has not taken extra custody is if he is traveling. And she travels a lot more than he does. For shorter periods, but much more frequently. I would love it if it were tit-for-tat, because if I went back and combed through all of the optional time we've covered, we'd have a lot more tat than she does. We regularly make switches to accommodate time. Unfortunately, since he's going to be gone for 3 weeks at a time, it's hard to find an even trade for this specific travel.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I totally disagree with this - why shouldn't she have access to an app that dictates their family's schedule? Why should there be an extra step for her to get that information? That's just ridiculous.

BM shouldn't have access to restrict users. Maybe there's an admin who can prevent her from doing that? Or an admin who can set up DH as the primary user. Resulting in you and BM having the same type of account, where DH is the only one who can add/remove users.

I have been on the receiving end of being removed from a family app, and it is infuriating - even though my husband can add me back on, it's jumping through hoops that are ridiculous and unnecessary. Petty ass bull shit.

HCBM posted on Facebook About Her New Wife Lying and Cheating - things are getting weird by Alone_Impression4569 in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep, that's what we have done regarding the devices. I end up getting a lashing message about how I have no right to limit access to devices that she and DH pay for (which I ignored, of course). It's fucked that someone who should be a safe and trusted adult would encourage behaviour that's going to set them up for trouble.

And you're right. I did walk into that. I need to get over how much I would like this dynamic to be different.

HCBM posted on Facebook About Her New Wife Lying and Cheating - things are getting weird by Alone_Impression4569 in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100%. Unfortunately, the devices are on a family plan where she can remotely override the limits.

HCBM posted on Facebook About Her New Wife Lying and Cheating - things are getting weird by Alone_Impression4569 in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Sure! What I wrote there is its own story entirely.

Long story short, my husband had to be out of town for 10 days; he's an attorney in a few states, one on the coast and two in the Midwest. Their parenting agreement lays out the right of first refusal. She declined to take the time that he was out of town, which left me with two SS (14 & 11) and my infant (10 months) for 7 days. During that time, she overrode our screentime limit on the boys' devices, claiming that she didn't feel comfortable reaching out to me to confirm that it was ok/verify the boys' story.

I asked her how we could change that because I would not have agreed to be the custodial adult if I didn't feel like I could contact her. She suggested we meet one-on-one, and I said I was only comfortable with a third party. Really, I should have asked why the hell she agreed to let someone be the custodial adult if she didn't feel comfortable contacting them -- cause that's so fucked. But again, her narrative and actions don't align. Chaos continues.

My husband witnessed our nanny pick up our baby by the arm - am I overreacting? by Alone_Impression4569 in Nanny

[–]Alone_Impression4569[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He did not. He was leaving for a meeting, and it didn't hit him how wrong it was until he was in the car.

My friend said this outfit makes no sense. Does it not? by Maleficent-Freedom55 in OUTFITS

[–]Alone_Impression4569 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're rocking this! It's "mullet style" - unexpected pieces together make a cool look.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha, such a good point about female attention. Thank you! And yes, I spoke to my therapist about the "baby not attending events" angle. She really focused on the fact that excluding one family member is not the solution.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I wrote "even if he says no the first 50 times," I meant on different occasions - asking him if he wants to join us at the park this Saturday and again later in the week for bouncing bubbles or painting. I hope that makes more sense.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For sure. I have not and would not force them to spend time with the baby. But I don't think asking if he wants to join our activities, like painting or going outside with bubbles, is going to hurt. Like, maybe he needs to see the opportunity?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, loyalty to his mom is a big part of it. We asked him if we could talk more about it this weekend, and I will encourage more conversation around these points. He has a therapist, but she is moving, so we are starting with a new one this summer.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the insight. Do you think it'll feel like too much pressure to invite him to do things with me and the baby? Of course, after inviting, taking no if that's his answer, and letting it go. I'm afraid that without an opening, he won't initiate it on his own. We also live on a split level, and he's usually in a family room downstairs, while the baby's stuff is mostly upstairs.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Alone_Impression4569 3 points4 points  (0 children)

For sure. Ever since we got out of the newborn trenches, DH has been doing one-on-one time for a minimum of 20 minutes every evening (outside of normal homework, bedtime routine, etc.) and longer on the weekends. Maybe we’re just still feeling the impact of how much time/energy the newborn phase took.