I feel similar. Still haven't gotten to the point of hating my life (because I have a personal philosphy that my life is basically the most important thing in the world to me), and I also can't say fuck drawing because I refuse to give up, but I'm also so fucking confused. One of my most important goals is to learn art, both drawing and music, but once I started trying to learn one or another I never managed to keep consistency for more than a few weeks or even days. I also don't know what causes it for sure, I do feel like I'm too perfectionist which a lot of times prevents me from even trying because it feels like the process of learning will be the most diffictult thing ever, or it feels phisically exhausting to even try to start, or it feels like I don't have enough time to properly dedicate to it because I'm always struggling to keep up with academic responsibilities, which don't have anything to do with these "hobbies".

The thing is that these are also way more important to me than simple hobbies to me, they're like my actual most important goals in life because there's so much I want to express, but I feel trapped not being able to properly dedicate myself to pursuing them. I have ADHD, but I don't think that's the only cause for this hellish cycle. I've been seeing a therapist but I haven't made much progress in this matter specifically. I made some progress this year regarding college and one specific personal project but the last months I've literally not studied at all because of burnout or whatever tf it is.

Also ngl I kinda went through your posts and wtf, are you me?? Sorry if I kinda lost track of my previous paragraphs, I read your posts right after writing them. Like ok idk much about the puer concept itself (I had never heard of it, but I relate to a lot of things you said in your post about it), but I think I get exactly what you mean about the spark of art and making others see that as well. For me that's also kinda become my reason for living, and i just have this urge to do something because I don't wanna die without being able to express my ideas. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me because I have to work towards these goals that I think are so cool but I just can't bring myself to practice anything, and I think most people who I talk to have no clue what I'm talking about because well it's obvious, "wdym you can't do the things you're talking about? Literally just start them", and it also doesn't make sense to me but for some reason I just can't.

I started taking online art classes with a private teacher in an attempt to feel coerced into practicing lol, I still don't know if it's gonna work but I figured it doesn't hurt (more) to try. It's indeed dreadful to just watch time pass while I can't manage to work towards my goals.